Venting The guilt of committing suicide while in a relationship

[diviosd]

This past year it feels like almost everything in my life has gone downhill. Ive lost alot of people; three of my family members have passed away recently, one of them in my care. I've lost most of my friends due to my poor mental health. I lost my job and I'm struggling to find another. There are many more factors but all in all, I'm just in a shit place mentally, and I'm more suicidal than I've been in a long time. meds dont help, therapy doesnt help. The only thing holding me back from doing anything is my boyfriend.

Hes extremely attached to me, we spend most of our time together and I am more or less his only real friend. he's terrified of abandonment and when i even brought up my past attempts, not even mentioning my current state, he sobbed for hours at the thought of losing me. I don't know what to do. He's the sweetest person I know and he genuinely is the one highlight of my life and I would never want to do anything to hurt him, but im hurting too, and im really sick of it.

How do you end your life knowing by doing it youre hurting someone else you love? Ive never had to think about this before, because i barely have a relationship with my parents anymore and even when i was younger living with them there was more tension than affection in my home, and I dont have any friends I would call close. I have had cats but thats not really the same. This is a really distressing dilemma to me.

 

[MessyNonsense]

I don't know. That sounds really, really hard and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what advice to give, i wish i did. I wish i could take away the pain of everyone of this site. Fuck.

 

[LevUwU]

I get what it's like. I love my girlfriend more than anything, and I know without me she'll be beyond distraught. But I look at it from a perspective of objectivity, at what point does the pain of living outweigh the pain of their grief?

 

[sotomie]

I'm struggling with the same situation right now and I don't know how to cope :(

 

[diviosd]

I get what it's like. I love my girlfriend more than anything, and I know without me she'll be beyond distraught. But I look at it from a perspective of objectivity, at what point does the pain of living outweigh the pain of their grief?

I think about this too. I just dont want my suicide to be the reason he ends up where I am now

 

[FullCircle]

Same. My husband and my pup. Without them I would've been gone a while ago.

 

[Weird username]

When I was in relatinship with my partner, I was having similar thoughts. My ex is a wonderful, lovely guy that would get very upset and start crying when I was depressed and suicidal. I was thinking how to end our relationship so I could kms. I left. Been few years, I miss him so much that no words could ever explain. My depression got even deeper, and I still cant kms lol stupid SI
You have someone that loves you,you keep fighting for them,adjusting your meds etc
with time things will get better

 

[diealegend24]

This past year it feels like almost everything in my life has gone downhill. Ive lost alot of people; three of my family members have passed away recently, one of them in my care. I've lost most of my friends due to my poor mental health. I lost my job and I'm struggling to find another. There are many more factors but all in all, I'm just in a shit place mentally, and I'm more suicidal than I've been in a long time. meds dont help, therapy doesnt help. The only thing holding me back from doing anything is my boyfriend.

Hes extremely attached to me, we spend most of our time together and I am more or less his only real friend. he's terrified of abandonment and when i even brought up my past attempts, not even mentioning my current state, he sobbed for hours at the thought of losing me. I don't know what to do. He's the sweetest person I know and he genuinely is the one highlight of my life and I would never want to do anything to hurt him, but im hurting too, and im really sick of it.

How do you end your life knowing by doing it youre hurting someone else you love? Ive never had to think about this before, because i barely have a relationship with my parents anymore and even when i was younger living with them there was more tension than affection in my home, and I dont have any friends I would call close. I have had cats but thats not really the same. This is a really distressing dilemma to me.

I think this is exactly why I'll never be in a relationship. I don't ever want to be in a predicament like this. After my parents pass away I don't want any one else holding me back.

My little brother was favorite person in the world. He was my everything, he passed away from cancer in may. Now all I have left is my parents. There are no people in this life that I love more than them.

After they pass away I won't have any reason to live anymore.

 

[diviosd]

I think this is exactly why I'll never be in a relationship. I don't ever want to be in a predicament like this. After my parents pass away I don't want any one else holding me back.

My little brother was favorite person in the world. He was my everything, he passed away from cancer in may. Now all I have left is my parents. There are no people in this life that I love more than them.

After they pass away I won't have any reason to live anymore.

I know, ive felt very selfish ever since entering a relationship because of this. my past relationships have been with other people who had serious mental health issues like me so in a way there was always less guilt because we understood eachother, but my boyfriend is a very happy and optimistic person who constantly says he wants a future with me, it makes me feel sick with guilt. It was so much easier when i didnt have to think about anyone but myself but selfishly I can't imagine him not being with me until the end at this point

 

[Manfrotto99]

Forgive me if it appears that I'm judging - I dont struggle to understand why someone would seriously contremplate commiting suicide if they had a loving partner in their life who desires a future with them. So many of us have no one and nothing.

 

[diviosd]

Forgive me if it appears that I'm judging - I dont struggle to understand why someone would seriously contremplate commiting suicide if they had a loving partner in their life who desires a future with them. So many of us have no one and nothing.

because loneliness isn't the only factor in why im suicidal

 

[Manfrotto99]

because loneliness isn't the only factor in why im suicidal

No of cause it isn't. I'm just speaking as someone who has experienced nothing but a lifetime of loss and rejection. I've never known anyone who has loved and needed me apart from my dog. Sbe kept me going but passed away some years ago. Now there is no reason at all to go on and so to be honest I am envious of people who have someone dear to them. Yet, we all have our different yet valid reasons for being here.

 

[GroundControl]

I'm in a similar boat. My partner is wonderful and knows about my intentions, at one point when we were just friends we were going to CTB together, but they found a new drive for life with me and changed their mind. I've been teetering on the edge thinking about them, knowing that they'd end their life too if I passed. It is a difficult factor to consider, but I find solace in the hope that we will be together in death, when it all comes to an end.

 

[crabclaw]

I feel similarly about my partner and other people close to me who I know would be devastated to lose me. I've had my partner sob in my arms at the thought of it. I don't really have any advice for you, I just know how much it sucks and hurts to be in this position. Continuing to live just to keep other people happy is just as suffocating.

My partner is so unbelievably supportive and wants me to recover and I find it so impossibly frustrating. To be honest, I really want them to leave me because I don't want to hurt them so much when I take my life. I have this feeling that I KNOW that I will eventually die by suicide, and I wish I could push people away because I don't want them to be hurt when it inevitably happens. I have expressed this exact feeling to them, telling them that I WILL kill myself and that they WILL be hurt if they stay, but they continue to stay anyway. I don't know what to do, it just feels like an impossible position because I know I am going to hurt them horribly no matter what I do. Sending lots of love.

 

[Weird username]

Forgive me if it appears that I'm judging - I dont struggle to understand why someone would seriously contremplate commiting suicide if they had a loving partner in their life who desires a future with them. So many of us have no one and nothing.

Sometimes brain is just fried like that,for women it is very often related to cycle and hormonal shift that can bring a deep dark thoughts one cant control. Childhood traumas as well, bpd etc but from outside it does look insane to have that person but still desire to suicide.
I sicerely hope you meet that person who will love you and care about you

 

[Manfrotto99]

Sometimes brain is just fried like that,for women it is very often related to cycle and hormonal shift that can bring a deep dark thoughts one cant control. Childhood traumas as well, bpd etc but from outside it does look insane to have that person but still desire to suicide.
I sicerely hope you meet that person who will love you and care about you

Thank you, I'm too old to meet anyone now...and my hormones have shifted over permanently to that dark space where they can't be controlled. I could never break that cycle of abuse from childhood - I only ever attracted men who took advantage of and used me. I hope you can somehow make the most of what you have.

 

[depthss]

My bf is the only reason I'm alive rn too
I'm in a bit of a different situation where my life has technically had a lot of improvement in the past year or so, but I still wish I was dead
He is the sweetest and most caring guy I've ever met and he's made me feel love in a way that I didn't know was possible. Nothing makes me sick to my stomach like imagining him finding my body, or getting the calm that I was dead.
In my mind, all I can see to do is try and push through it for his sake. I don't want to drag him down with me. I love him and I want him to live, which unfortunately, also means I have to live

 

[ceilingabove]

This is probably the most morally grey and complex predicament around suicide, imo. I have so many conflicting thoughts on this. I wish you gentleness and care, you're not a bad person for suffering.

 

[kikoxp]

i'm going to be honest with you. i had to make her hate me to get it to stop. and so i told her a cruel lie

i don't recommend it. i lost everything. the life that i once had, gone in an instant. i don't recommend it. it hurts more watching them walk away than if you had just done it yourself

i just don't recommend it. I was cruel. I'm wishing you well.