The Further Adventures of Captain Fuck-up

[ArtsyDrawer]

@ArtsyDrawer what do you think?

I'm honestly surprised and honored you say I can criticize another person's work.

It's... Interesting... I worked in a clothing warehouse, so I actively tried NOT to become capt. Fuckup.
I did this with a notebook. Every time the boss explained how to do something I was like "hold on, repeat please?"
I kept this notebook on display. The boss was unnerved.
The story itself is quite... I'm not sure how to call it. I'm not sure there's a word to call it by.
A man (alright, an alien. Still, though...) Is a MASTER of fucking up.

A little history: quite some time into the job I ended up teaching newbies how to do shit, I have encountered many fuckups. Grandiose fuckups!
You would NOT BELIEVE how these people fucked up at THE SIMPLEST THINGS!
We're talking retrieving an item from a shelf.
"Go to B-1-1 and get the brown coat."
"Alright."
B-1-1 is filled with coats that are all the same size, but different in color.
Time passes, and this guy isn't back yet.
As soon as I'm about to take off and search for him, he comes back... With a bra.
"I told you to go to b-1-1..."
" Yes"
" And bring me a brown coat..."
" Yes"
" And you brought me a bra..."
" Yes"
" WHERE THE HELL DID YOU FIND IT?!"
" C-17-2"
" WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO THERE?!"
" I dunno"
I'm describing one incident, yes, but it had happened MORE TIMES THAN ZERO! THIS IS A CALL FOR REINVESTMENT IN THE EUGENICS COMMITTEE!
Sometimes a person is literally too stupid to be kept alive, I'm sorry.

So... If the @thinkkank is projecting himself as Capt. Fuckup, which, for the record, is indeed a somewhat healthy way to cope, trust me, dude, you haven't seen actual fuckups.

As for the writing itself, the structure, the diary-like style, I personally like it.

All in all, so far I like it. In particular, that one bit - "don't let it stay in." (paraphrased)
If you dwell on your fuckups, they just stay in and live in your brain rent free. You gotta evacuate them.
It's a process, it takes time, but eventually you learn to say "well, shit."
It's an important skill.

But yeah, I like it.

Edit: do not change Capt. Fuckup because of that incident I described. He's perfect as he is. Adding more fuckery, imo, will ruin the character.

 

[whatevs]

Good post but I was thinking about the suggestion by another poster of having some cartoon strips with the story, done by you.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Good post but I was thinking about the suggestion by another poster of having some cartoon strips with the story, done by you.

Once again, I'm honored by your suggestion, but my drawing skills are shit.
Certainly, rising, but atm it's shit (see signature).
When I feel confident enough, though, and OP doesn't ctb, I'd gladly take this project on.

 

[thinkkank]

the factory bought a new nail gun because the other two couldn't be repaired. They gave it to me and within minutes of using it it got jammed. Brand new gun with that new gun smell and it just shits the bed the minute I touch it. It must be a Bunglebot! They're probably everywhere, which means the minute I touch them they malfunction. Guess I can't drive, or use the fridge, or use a calculator. The only thing that isn't a bunglebot is the laptop I use to type these stories.
The gun decided to behave and I managed to make some panels. Just when I was getting into the groove of panel making I suddenly felt the urge to piss. "I'll just hold it in for a few minutes until I finish this panel" I thought, but no my bladder had a different plan. I suddenly felt this large volume of water drop down into my dick and I had to clench my fists to keep it from gushing out. "Change of plan, code red code red" I thought as I walked to the bathroom holding in the torrent of piss that was trying to break out. Managed to make it to the bathroom and let it all out. My eyes literally rolled into the back of my head. It was an orgasmic release which left me feeling lighter for several minutes. I walked out of that bathroom stall a new man. All of a sudden colors were brighter, there was a spring in my step and a song in my heart.
The rest of the day was probably shit but I couldn't notice because I was so relieved from that one piss

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Monday: today seemed relatively chill. Missed the bus, but that's nothing new. I waved at the bus driver to let me in, but they ignored me and drove off. What classy people. I only ran into one grumpasaurus who was a little too touchy. He saw me making a mistake and literally grabbed my fingers and told me to stop doing what I was doing. The only fuck up I made was dropping cardboard out of the dumpster. Everyday I take the dumpster to the trash compactor and it is usually filled to the brim. Today it was filled with cardboard which kept falling over.
The Grumpasarauses Greg and Barry didn't roar too loudly today. If this keeps up the Captain will never show up. He will remain dormant inside me as I get better at this job. I'm kind of sad to see him go. He was growing on me. I was starting to get used to seeing his antics on a daily basis, but I guess this might be the end of our little adventure.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Wednesday: Cappy was given a new task involving plugging up some holes in a wet area. I was sure that the Captain would appear this time. A new environment, a new task, clearly this was a new opportunity to fuck up, but alas, nothing happened. I didn't slip and fall. Didn't plug up the holes the wrong way. I did exactly what I was told to do and I did it well. What a disappointment.
I'm tempted to think that as I get the hang of this job, I'll make fewer mistakes which means the Captain won't show up. I'm not going to lose faith though. I know there's a big fuck up waiting for me out there somewhere. Alls I gotta do is just wait. I can feel the power of chaos building up inside me. Soon it will burst out in the most spectacular and embarrassing mistake ever. A factory fire maybe, or a forklift pileup, or a power blackout that affects every building within a five mile radius. I don't know what it'll be, but I know it will be big and it will all be the Captain's fault.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Thursday: HEEEES BAAAACK! The Captain Returned and did an outstanding job today. The Captain started the day of by waking up late and showing up to work really late. I was on panel duty so I had to make a certain number of panels before lunch break. The Captain outdid himself for this job. I nailed things all wrong, got glue on the wood which is a big no-no and I was too slow. I did such a bad job that they literally grabbed the nail gun out of my hands and told me to sweep up and take out the garbage. "It feels good to be back" I though as I swept away with a little spring in my step.
The Captain also showed up when taking out the garbage. The garbage can had long pieces of wood that were sharp. I was wheeling the can to the trash compactor when one of the long pieces of wood tore someone's uniform and made a hole. The guy gave me this "I'm gonna kick your ass" look, and I nervously apologised and quickly walked away. "Just another day for The Captain" I thought.
Later on they let me make more panels, but little did they know that the Captain was planning to make a special appearance. The Captain was making panels too slowly, so slowly that someone else had to come in and make the panels. The manager was watching the whole thing. I can only imagine what was going on in his mind "this guy comes late almost every day and this is the work he does?"
To bring bring such an eventful day to a close some Haitian guy tried to make me convert to Islam. He saw me waiting for the bus and walked up to me. Started talking about the five pillars of Islam and all of that jazz. He told me he would give me some DVDs that had more information, but I told him I don't have a DVD player and my optical drive is fucked. Bus finally arrived and walked away. The whole thing was surreal. He felt like an NPC, just spawned out of nowhere and started talking. Most of his dialogue tree must have been about Islam.

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[°Celsuis_Caesar]

These are very good, reminds me of Captain Cosmos; Keep it up!

 

[thinkkank]

These are very good, reminds me of Captain Cosmos; Keep it up!

thanks. writing these helps me get through a lot. appreciate the comment.

 

[whatevs]

I'll put this thread on watch, I only saw this because you responded to another thread.

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Monday: day started off normal. I usually start the day by running into an asshole who always gives me their two cents or I fuck up something minor, which is followed later on by a major fuckup (kind of like an appetizer fuck up). Greg wasn't there and it was looking to be a chill day. Hopefully Greg got explosive diarrhea and tuberculosis which incapacitates him for several weeks (a man can dream).The factory was a bit understaffed because a number of people just didn't show up for some reason. This meant I had to do some jobs that I wouldn't normally do. The mad men at the factory decided to give cappy a drill again to drill some panels. Let's see, what do you get when you mix Captain Fuckup with his old friend the drill? A Massive Shitshow! Cappy ended up getting a bloody booboo on his finger from using the drill. The Drill bunglebot wasn't fucking around. I got two blood clots as a result of drill's wrath, but I managed to finish the job. No one said fucking up would be an easy, clean job. Sometimes things get rough, but Cappy can handle it!
The next fuckup was screwing the wrong screws onto panels. I was supposed to screw black-headed screws onto black panels, but I used grey-headed screws. When Larry saw what I did he gasped out "oh my god". The Captain had a little grin on his face and thought "merry Christmas Larry, a little something from me to you". Had to take out all the screws and drill in the right ones
After the drill jobs I was told to sweep up the place. Somehow the broom handle hit my dick twice! I'm not talking a light tap but a hard hit to the head that left me sore for a minute. Cappy was on his A game today.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Star date_Wednesday: Had to use the toilet in the factory in the morning. The toilet clogged up and the water rose with each flush. I wasn't aware that the water was rising until the water reached a level where it was touching the tip of my dick. I looked down and saw shit-brown water nearly coming out of the bowl. I got up and closed the toilet seat. I figured I could leave it closed and hopefully no-one would know it was me. Funny enough when I closed the bowl the toilet flushed and all the water went down so nothing overflowed. "Phew" I thought. "Crisis averted".
I went to my station and started doing my duties, but I noticed a certain stench coming from somewhere. "Oh no" I realized. The shit water must've touched my shirt! The smell is coming from inside the clothes. Now I smell like shit. Great. What a great way to start the morning. Can I have just one day where nothing goes wrong? Please God, just give me one day where everything goes my way, I'll never ask for anything ever again.
I decided to soldier on despite stinking up the place. After a few hours one of the supervisors told me that the big boss wanted to see me. "well, shit. I guess it's bad". I wasn't anxious, I just wanted to get it over with. If the boss wants to yell or fire me, fine, just let it be quick. The boss wanted me and another guy to go to a nearby warehouse to help unpack some materials that had shipped in. Sounded easy enough so I agreed to do the job.
The drive wasn't that long, we reached the warehouse and we were told that the delivery truck would arrive in a few minutes. We waited. And waited. And waited. We waited so long that we took a nap. Don't get me wrong, I love getting paid overtime to do nothing but nap, but goddamn was it boring. The supervisor at the warehouse allowed us to have some of the food in the lunchroom so I got a free pizza and soda, which I assume was God's way of making it up to me for the shitty morning.
The truck finally arrived and we unloaded some boxes for 30 minutes. It would take several hours to unload everything and it was already getting late so the supervisor told us we could go home without finishing the unloading.
All in all it wasn't that bad.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Monday: When I was at the other warehouse I had a cold soda and ended up with a little sore throat. It wasn't a big deal at the time, but it turned into something nasty. had a little sore throat and stuffed nose which turned into a fever with chills. Had to take two days out of work. Was sick on Thursday and Friday. The boss at my employment agency called and said the factory manager doesn't like it when people take too many days off. He told me to make sure I go to work on Monday. Monday comes around I'm still coughing but I go to work. The company has a policy that says if you are coughing or have a fever you should stay home. I clearly didn't do that. Supervisor told me to keep my distance from people and people were avoiding me like I had the plague. If there's one thing that I'm good at, it's making everyone around me feel uncomfortable. Now you might be thinking that someone from another planet with superpowers would have a stronger immune system, but the thing is my body doesn't fight viruses. A virus that makes someone tired and woozy leads to them making mistakes. Captain fuckup is fueled by mistakes so the virus is actually an ally. It made me fuck up more and made captain fuckup even stronger. It was a tag-team from hell. a flu virus and an alien from a planet of fuck ups. my day was going to be bad no matter what. Later in the day I get a message from the agency boss saying 'if you're sick just stay home the factory manager isn't happy what the fuck are you doing?' I'm guessing the supervisor contacted the agency about my health. To think that all of this started by drinking a coke from the fridge.

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[Celerity]

View attachment 97328

Captain's Log - Stardate_Monday: When I was at the other warehouse I had a cold soda and ended up with a little sore throat. It wasn't a big deal at the time, but it turned into something nasty. had a little sore throat and stuffed nose which turned into a fever with chills. Had to take two days out of work. Was sick on Thursday and Friday. The boss at my employment agency called and said the factory manager doesn't like it when people take too many days off. He told me to make sure I go to work on Monday. Monday comes around I'm still coughing but I go to work. The company has a policy that says if you are coughing or have a fever you should stay home. I clearly didn't do that. Supervisor told me to keep my distance from people and people were avoiding me like I had the plague. If there's one thing that I'm good at, it's making everyone around me feel uncomfortable. Now you might be thinking that someone from another planet with superpowers would have a stronger immune system, but the thing is my body doesn't fight viruses. A virus that makes someone tired and woozy leads to them making mistakes. Captain fuckup is fueled by mistakes so the virus is actually an ally. It made me fuck up more and made captain fuckup even stronger. It was a tag-team from hell. a flu virus and an alien from a planet of fuck ups. my day was going to be bad no matter what. Later in the day I get a message from the agency boss saying 'if you're sick just stay home the factory manager isn't happy what the fuck are you doing?' I'm guessing the supervisor contacted the agency about my health. To think that all of this started by drinking a coke from the fridge.

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I'm sorry. You're in a terrible situation. I wish you could get a better job.

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Wednesday: today was literally the best day ever. Most of the wood panels I was working with were deformed so it made it incredibly difficult to work with them. They're kept in a pile and I have to pick four at a time to use. There were deformed panels mixed in with regular panels so I had to sort them out. Upon inspection I found that the "regular" panels were just less deformed, but still deformed and I had no choice but to use them, which took several minutes for each panel. That was the first win. Second win was I was nailing things the wrong way. Cappy decided to show up real early and nail things his way. The result was a lot of bad panels that were unusable and basically garbage. Larry kept coming to me and telling me to make a new panel, made a new one, only to have that one be garbage too. Other people were coming to me and complaining that they were waiting for new panels. Third win was the massive shit that I had to hold in the whole time while badly nailing deformed boards. The coffee and eggs I took in the morning came back with vengeance. I could barely think straight. I had people yelling at me telling me to hurry up and make new panels, while I'm trying to work with deformed wood and holding in a massive shit. The cherry on top was the manager coming to watch me fuck up. Fourth win. I deserve Superbowl rings for all this back-to-back winning. There has to be a curse on me. I had to have pissed some voodoo priestess off at some point in my life. Forget having a rabbit's foot for good luck, I need a whole goddamn rabbit hanging from my neck to ward off this bad ju-ju.

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[Pluto]

Best. Thread. Ever.

As an aside, I had exactly the same experience (warehousing/driving) when I started my current job. I fucked up at a level no one had ever seen before. But I did learn slowly and within 3 years I was viewed as one of their best people. A big part of it is having a training department that is actually accountable for results, rather than blaming poor Captain. I'm an ex-trainer from a previous job so I know about that too.

 

[freedompass]

Thanks for the laughs 'Cappy'

 

[rationaltake]

Can't wait for the next one.

 

[whatevs]

That was tame considering what Cappy is able to achieve at the height of his power. I hope he continues with smaller but reliable fuckups. You become endearing to people if you're only mildly incompetent/clumsy.

 

[makethepainstop]

Brother the good captain is not alone.

 

[thinkkank]

Best. Thread. Ever.

As an aside, I had exactly the same experience (warehousing/driving) when I started my current job. I fucked up at a level no one had ever seen before. But I did learn slowly and within 3 years I was viewed as one of their best people. A big part of it is having a training department that is actually accountable for results, rather than blaming poor Captain. I'm an ex-trainer from a previous job so I know about that too.

I wish there was a training department, but my company cuts corners at every turn. it's cheaper for them to hire people with no experience, let some of the senior workers train them, squeeze as much labour as possible out of them, then fire them when they fuck up

 

[thinkkank]

Caplog Thursday: Greg started my day by being his classy self. I'm busy making panels and he walks up to me, takes the nail gun out of my hand and says "you need to do it right". Motherfucker I have been doing it right for the past 2 hours, the only one who is complaining is you. Greg is up my ass so many times I should charge him an entrance fee. I know I shouldn't let old grumpy get to me, but goddamn can be he annoying sometimes
He's also calling me "boy" now. Dickface knows my name but still calls me boy. Unbelievable.
Larry comes over and tells me to stop what I'm doing. He snatched me away from my one true love and told me that I would help him install some wooden panels. I was basically Larry's assistant for the day. holding panels and boards in position while he drills it, getting him screws, wiping the sweat of his brow. the life of an underling. Cappy always capitalizes on any opportunity to make a mistake, so naturally he showed up during the smallest of tasks. I got the wrong screws, got the wrong-sized boards and even held them the wrong way up. Larry enthusiastically told me how he felt about my performance. As usual he was rude, but I could handle it. Sifu Greg taught me well. Greg is a black belt asshole and Larry is a baby blue belt. The whole time Larry was talking I was hearing a baby voice. "goo goo ga ga do your job properly" "boo boo you got the wrong size panels boo boo use your head next time" "I'm the big baby i wear the big diaper goo goo". i was hearing this shit for the rest of the day, but it beats being around Greg's dumb ass. I walked out of the factory and breathed a huge sigh of relief. All I got to do is just wait one more day until the weekend. What could go wrong?

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[outatime_85]

I had to have pissed some voodoo priestess off at some point in my life.

This is one of the many thoughts I have every day.

 

[leeloosnow]

this is amazing, cappy's found another victim subscriber.

 

[thinkkank]

Caplog_Friday: a new grumpasaurus has appeared! This guy just won't let me do my job. when he has nothing to do he comes over to me and tells me I'm making mistakes, then he tells me to let him make panels while i go do something else. He's clearly lying and just wants to do my job to make it look like he's doing something. It's happened 3 times now. That was only the beginning of my problems. Next a supervisor yells at me for being late and for missing a day of work. I missed work because I was throwing up all morning. I'm late because I live really far and have to take 3 buses. If one bus is late or I miss one bus then I'm going to miss the other 2. I wake up really early and leave the house early, but I always miss one bus. My supe knows this but he still yelled at me. He told me "just don't get sick and wake up earlier "wow what a brilliant idea! I already wake up early and I try to be healthy, but I never thought about just not getting sick. After getting words of wisdom from the supe I went back to making panels, and the guy who keeps bugging me and Greg did a double team on me. the guy who keeps bugging me dismantled the panels I made and Greg said "you're doing it wrong, you need to add more glue". Now this might seem like a harmless suggestion, but I was taught by one supervisor to use a small amount of glue. Now another supe is telling me I'm wrong and that I need to add more glue. They always do this to me. One supe shows me how to do something, then another supe tells me "no no you're doing it all wrong, what's wrong with you?". All of this was back-to-back.
The final thing that made my day so special was seeing Greg with another woman. Greg was training a lady to make the larger panels, which used to be my job. I was watching them with the corner of my eye and could hear a bit of what they were saying. Greg was being so nice to her, slowly showing her how to use all the tools and how to put the boards together, encouraging her and laughing with her and even making small talk. He taught her how to use the big saw. He never showed me how to use the big saw. He did things with her that he never did with me. Can you believe it? I gave that man the best two weeks of my life and he just threw me away like it meant nothing. Now I have to see him with someone else and he's treating her better than me! This confirms what I believed all along, that Greg intentionally taught me badly so that he wouldn't work with me. If I fucked up he would just say that I'm not able to learn and do the job, which is exactly what happened.
One one level I'm mad, but at the same time I'm glad that I don't have to work under such an asshole. Sure he bothers me from time to time, but if I worked under him I would have to be around him for hours. The one good thing that came out of my interactions with him was that he taught me how to deal with assholes like him. I can safely say that I am a little bit stronger because of him, so thanks for memories Greg.


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[Rounded Apathy]

Shit this stuff is a breath of fresh air. I think I need to spend more time in offtopic

 

[Forever Sleep]

Cappy is fast becoming my favourite anti-hero.

 

[rationaltake]

Brilliant!

 

[Pluto]

I'm not very well versed on the other-dimensional beings, Earthbound spirits, aliens and such that New Agers talk about, but it's very possible that Bunglebots are a real thing. The anecdotal evidence is ample.

 

[thinkkank]

Caplog_Monday: I was using the nail gun, just minding my own business when it happened. the air nozzle on the first nail gun flew off and the part of the gun that connects to it broke off. That was the first bunglebot. There's no fucking way that those two things happening at the same time was a coincidence. No that shit was malicious. This nail gun was looking for blood. Went to the supervisor to get a new one and he tells me they don't have any more. He got mad because he thought I broke it on purpose. I was given a second gun and things were going well, until that gun just stopped working. Checked the nozzle, everything was fine. Opened the gun, nothing was jamming the inside.. It looked fine but it just wasn't working. I went to the supervisor for help and he gave me this look like he was going to kick my ass. I should've told him that the nail guns were probably alien robots that cause mischief. That would've definitely helped him calm down. He still thought I was breaking them on purpose. Now why would any sane person do that? Cappy fucked up so bad they put me on clean up duty. Normally we clean up at the end of the work shift, but they put me on cleaning duty in the morning. The workspace wasn't dirty yet so I was just sweeping cleaning floors like a dumb-dumb. Larry got another gun, but didn't let me use it because he thought it would break. Just kept sweeping and throwing trash trying to look as dignified as possible. Everyone knew what happened, but I just kept my head held high while I swept the same space ten times. The only saving grace was that Greg wasn't there to see it happen. If he was I would have never heard the end of it. I have shit luck, but every once in a while the universe gives me a small break.

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