Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
I don't feel right. Everything feels so bitter, everything burns. I feel alone and no one can save me from my brutal fate of not being smart enough to work and ending up homeless or something equally terrible. I can't work because I can't retain knowledge, pay attention, or remember. I'm absent minded, I have trouble with my working memory and auditory processing and I get overwhelmed by tasks and complex info. I'm always getting bullied or fired because of it. My parents recently dropped another bomb shell on me: I have to be out of the house by May. I CAN'T work. I don't want to work. I'm too burnt out to try again. I could get a boring job wipng tables or working the fitting or or something LIKE that, but I'd be so bored and under paid. Everything that gives the pay I need is either physically or mentally demanding. I can't do ANYTHING. I GIVE UP.
I've been told at chipotle job, "You have no problem solving skills, Everyone here is to nice to say it." "usually you bring the whole team down" "you have less energy than a cancer patient." "put two and two together." "GO HOME!" "GET OFF THE LINE! GO CLEAN!" "CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR JOB PEREFORMANCE?! "."you screwed up" "......IF YOU DO THIS WRONG ONE MORE TIME ITS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY!" bullied me and then said, "what are you going to do about it?!" After i cried they said in another rude way, "feeling better now?!" My supervisor was really condescending she'd always ask, "Are we going to have a good day today?"
at target I wasn't fast or good enough at get this SCANNING ITEMS! I wasn't learning fast enough at a special needs job I took working with adults who are more retarded than me.
I was screamed at at my most recent job too for similar reasons. Heres some of the stuff they said, " YOU EVER WONDER WHY PEOPLE ARE SO MEAN?! ITS BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN!" "YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THOSE STORIES!" (when I told them I was abused) I said I wasn't trying to be and it was rude to say that in the first place. This is what I got "YES YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT!" Which I was trying to trouble shoot. "GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN FIT IN!" My other coworker-"I HAVE TO ONE ON ONE YOU...AND YOU PROBABLY COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT!" to my supervisor, "I WANT HER OUT!" I said, "I DON'T DESRVE THAT! I'M DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION! FORGET IT!" my coworker, "YOU DON'T DESREVE A LOT OF THINGS!" Conversation with my other co-worker: Me: "Do you need me to help you with anything else right now?" Her: "No you can just go sit down and stay out of my way." me: "You know what that was kind of rude." Her: "No it wasn't" Me: "ok explain to me how THAT wasn't rude?" Her: "I'm done arguing with you today." I also told her I didn't like her tone and she said, "I don't care!" This is how I get treated EVERYWHERE I go or I'm just fired for not being capable.
I'm tired of this BS. I've been told I just haven't found my niche. Like I have one I couldn't do retail because I'm not smart enough to run a cash register, I can't do fast food because I'm not fast, I can't do insurance because its too complicated, I can't do personal care because theres to much to remember and people are awful, I can't do warehouse because Its too exhausting/I can't pay attention/i'm not fast enough or smart enough, I can't do anything techy because I suck at computers that rules out just about everything else. My mom tells me if I change my "thinking patterns and self image" get organized, get up earlier and put more effort into my appearance then I won't have these problems. She thinks this will all change if I do that. NONE of that will solve anything. Its useless.
As for the rest of my life:
All my memories of better days are bitter and burn. I hate the people in them and wish none of it ever happened. Reality is killing me slowly, there is no safety from it accept sleep and SS. Nothing feels right, its all one big mess. Even if I changed the way I thought about and handled stuff like my mom said, I should, I'd still fall short in everything I do. I still get bullied because my best isn't good enough. I'd be that much more burnt out. People are getting something out of my existence wether it be someone to bully and take things out on, or something I give to them. I'm a giver and a nice person, but I feel empty. I'm not getting anything out of this life. I don't even get one thing. Nothing. There's absolutely NOTHING for me here. But it doesn't matter now. Slowly I've stopped caring. The bitterness is slowly fading away, because I know its going to be over soon. I'm committed to ending things. I bought the stuff for blood choke and tied a slip knot as a back up. I've found a good place to die. The day of, I'll tell my parents I'm going to a friends house for a sleep over, then go to my secret ctb safe haven and end things. It brings me peace knowing that this shit show will be over soon. No one really understands how much I hate it here. I have no attachment to this life. I wish there were something better after but I know its just over. I feel locked out of everything. I'm not succeeding in school, I'm not getting my dream job, I don't want to date or get married, I don't have my dream body, I'll never be sucessful in graphic design and I don't have anything going for me. My art wasn't even good enough for my past principal to appriciate, which i'll get into later. I was never smart enough for anything. I wasn't smart enough to go to university/ join a sorority. I went to junior college and felt left out of the college experience. My bff of 7 years joined me there my second year and stopped being my friend because I was suicidal(because i didn't know what career i wanted and I was having physical discomfort due to pcos which wasn't diagnosed at the time) She made the excuse that I was "to negative" well thats bs. A good excuse to not care. After that I had no one because most of my friends liked her better. I trusted no one. Sure I have friends now but for how long? People are good at leaving. WHO wouldn't be "negative" in my shoes?! This thread isn't even HALF of what I have BEEN THROUGH.
I wasn't just college, I was bullied in middle school. They called me a chubby baby and said, "GOT MILK?!" because I have a big chest due to pcos. They constantly taunted me and this boy named chad made his fingers into a gun and pointed it at my head. That was the ONLY time teachers stepped in. I said, "YOU KNOW WHAT CHAD?! IF I WRE YOUR MOM I WOYULD HAVE ABORTED YOU!" and they had NO PROBLEM punishing me for that, but they NEVER punished him or his rude friend Reid. I was never well liked in high school. I was the weird/annoying girl with the tacky personality/the one with issues. Aside from the gymnastics team, no one appreciated me or my personality. When I was younger, I watched people fit in at Op-c and Holy spirit elementary I was just to stupid to be a part of it(i'm retarded so I wasn't ever on the same level as everyone else). At Holy Spirit elementary, I was the dumb kid with the para. I needed constant breaks and they were never long enough. I argued with my para that I needed more time and the mean nun, sister petra over heard and she came charging at me screaming, "YOU'RE SO FULL OF HATE.etc" and I was shocked, embarrassed and angry. I didn't know this at the time, but I had undiagnosed ADHD and had trouble processing things and got overwhelmed by assignments and info. I shut down and drew to keep myself from having a panic attack. That wasn't allowed though and I got mad when my teachers and para said I couldn't draw. They called the mean principal, mrs.Watson and she would bend down a few inches from my face and scream at me in sort of a threatening whisper, "ISABELLE MYZER DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" and she smirked when I cried, humiliated me and took my picture just to harrasse me, when I asked her why she did it she said, "because I'M the principal and I'm allowed." She'd try to make me mad in front of people and make me look bad. I hated her. But no one really saw it from my end. People did nothing but judge. After all shes the principal and shes "allowed" and that TOTALLY makes it right.
My friends, meg and michelle understood and got their parents involved. Meg's mom told the priest and he did nothing. the resource teacher, Mrs.Brun saw me at my worst and still cared. Shes my favorite person in the world and one of the few people who make me feel safe and understood. She gave my friend fnathan (the other dumb kid) hot chocolate when we got back from oak park. She was always there like a long lost aunt that I never had. I tried reaching out to her recently, but she has a busy schedule and I don't think she even knows how to help me. I miss her, but some of the memories of her are the mean principal, Mrs.Watson bullying us. Most of the good memories I had with her are blocked out, after the hot chocolate memory almost everything is vague if there at all. I usually remember everything, but they're just gone and the only reason I can think of is that maybe there's some PTSD about what went on my last year at Holy Spirit. Like I said, the principal, mrs.Watson and nun, sister Petra bullied both of us. I try to tell my truth, and explain my side, but no one understands and so many people dismiss it and tell me to move on. You wouldn't believe the number of people who blame me... As for the other place I attended part time for academic support, things were different but same end result.
I though there was something genuine in my teacher and principal at Op-c because they seemed to care at the time, they laughed at my short story made me feel supported. They had no idea about what watson and petra did, and I intended to tell them. so I tried reaching out and staying in touch with them. I just wanted comfort and someone I could trust. I thought it would bring me peace and healing to talk to them again. My teacher, Ms.Allen and I became facebook friends and talked sometimes. After she asked me about how to find monarch caterpillars, she stopped talking to me. Then my account got hacked and she blocked me. I thought it was just a misunderstanding so I asked her about it on another form of social media and she didn't even respond. I made art for the Op-C principal, mrs.Morgan. She originally said she wanted to meet, but I guess she changed her mind. I left the art at the door and she thanked me for it but said she couldn't meet. I even offered lunch but she just didn't care all she said was, "Isabelle, I can't meet with you socially." like she was annoyed almost. Maybe she wasn't trying to be mean, but I don't really care at this point. I can't say I'm to surprised either, because this is just how people are. I was disappointed. I thought I saw something genuine but yet again I was wrong. It was all a lie.
They pretended to care and they won't miss me. I remember when I was at Op-c. I was upset and stressed about everything. I remember a kind teacher telling me that my strengths and that I was kind. I remember her telling me not to beat myself up. I remember a kind principal taking me for a walk to calm down, talking to me about cute butterflies and other things that made me happy. I remember her giving me advice. I remember the encouragement. I remember meeting my reading goal and them saying how proud they were of me and giving me a trophy. I remember a kind teacher and principal laughing at the short essay I wrote about the best summer I ever had with my friend Meg and my favorite person, Mrs.Brun. I remember them caring and making me feel like it was all going to be okay. But that memory was the last one that made me feel attached to this life and now its bitter and makes my head burn. I don't feel right...everything feels off. I think I've reached my limit. I have this fundraiser to do, which will probably be another disappointment or waste of time but it's for my old friend, Alliea who caught her bus early. Idk if she wrecked her car on purpose to kill herself or if it were just an accident...but it doesn't matter because she's gone and soon I will be too. My last good deed better not be for nothing, maybe this is selfish but I hope I get something out of it. I'll go out with a bang...or maybe I'll just leave.
I've been told at chipotle job, "You have no problem solving skills, Everyone here is to nice to say it." "usually you bring the whole team down" "you have less energy than a cancer patient." "put two and two together." "GO HOME!" "GET OFF THE LINE! GO CLEAN!" "CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR JOB PEREFORMANCE?! "."you screwed up" "......IF YOU DO THIS WRONG ONE MORE TIME ITS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY!" bullied me and then said, "what are you going to do about it?!" After i cried they said in another rude way, "feeling better now?!" My supervisor was really condescending she'd always ask, "Are we going to have a good day today?"
at target I wasn't fast or good enough at get this SCANNING ITEMS! I wasn't learning fast enough at a special needs job I took working with adults who are more retarded than me.
I was screamed at at my most recent job too for similar reasons. Heres some of the stuff they said, " YOU EVER WONDER WHY PEOPLE ARE SO MEAN?! ITS BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN!" "YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THOSE STORIES!" (when I told them I was abused) I said I wasn't trying to be and it was rude to say that in the first place. This is what I got "YES YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT!" Which I was trying to trouble shoot. "GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN FIT IN!" My other coworker-"I HAVE TO ONE ON ONE YOU...AND YOU PROBABLY COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT!" to my supervisor, "I WANT HER OUT!" I said, "I DON'T DESRVE THAT! I'M DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION! FORGET IT!" my coworker, "YOU DON'T DESREVE A LOT OF THINGS!" Conversation with my other co-worker: Me: "Do you need me to help you with anything else right now?" Her: "No you can just go sit down and stay out of my way." me: "You know what that was kind of rude." Her: "No it wasn't" Me: "ok explain to me how THAT wasn't rude?" Her: "I'm done arguing with you today." I also told her I didn't like her tone and she said, "I don't care!" This is how I get treated EVERYWHERE I go or I'm just fired for not being capable.
I'm tired of this BS. I've been told I just haven't found my niche. Like I have one I couldn't do retail because I'm not smart enough to run a cash register, I can't do fast food because I'm not fast, I can't do insurance because its too complicated, I can't do personal care because theres to much to remember and people are awful, I can't do warehouse because Its too exhausting/I can't pay attention/i'm not fast enough or smart enough, I can't do anything techy because I suck at computers that rules out just about everything else. My mom tells me if I change my "thinking patterns and self image" get organized, get up earlier and put more effort into my appearance then I won't have these problems. She thinks this will all change if I do that. NONE of that will solve anything. Its useless.
As for the rest of my life:
All my memories of better days are bitter and burn. I hate the people in them and wish none of it ever happened. Reality is killing me slowly, there is no safety from it accept sleep and SS. Nothing feels right, its all one big mess. Even if I changed the way I thought about and handled stuff like my mom said, I should, I'd still fall short in everything I do. I still get bullied because my best isn't good enough. I'd be that much more burnt out. People are getting something out of my existence wether it be someone to bully and take things out on, or something I give to them. I'm a giver and a nice person, but I feel empty. I'm not getting anything out of this life. I don't even get one thing. Nothing. There's absolutely NOTHING for me here. But it doesn't matter now. Slowly I've stopped caring. The bitterness is slowly fading away, because I know its going to be over soon. I'm committed to ending things. I bought the stuff for blood choke and tied a slip knot as a back up. I've found a good place to die. The day of, I'll tell my parents I'm going to a friends house for a sleep over, then go to my secret ctb safe haven and end things. It brings me peace knowing that this shit show will be over soon. No one really understands how much I hate it here. I have no attachment to this life. I wish there were something better after but I know its just over. I feel locked out of everything. I'm not succeeding in school, I'm not getting my dream job, I don't want to date or get married, I don't have my dream body, I'll never be sucessful in graphic design and I don't have anything going for me. My art wasn't even good enough for my past principal to appriciate, which i'll get into later. I was never smart enough for anything. I wasn't smart enough to go to university/ join a sorority. I went to junior college and felt left out of the college experience. My bff of 7 years joined me there my second year and stopped being my friend because I was suicidal(because i didn't know what career i wanted and I was having physical discomfort due to pcos which wasn't diagnosed at the time) She made the excuse that I was "to negative" well thats bs. A good excuse to not care. After that I had no one because most of my friends liked her better. I trusted no one. Sure I have friends now but for how long? People are good at leaving. WHO wouldn't be "negative" in my shoes?! This thread isn't even HALF of what I have BEEN THROUGH.
I wasn't just college, I was bullied in middle school. They called me a chubby baby and said, "GOT MILK?!" because I have a big chest due to pcos. They constantly taunted me and this boy named chad made his fingers into a gun and pointed it at my head. That was the ONLY time teachers stepped in. I said, "YOU KNOW WHAT CHAD?! IF I WRE YOUR MOM I WOYULD HAVE ABORTED YOU!" and they had NO PROBLEM punishing me for that, but they NEVER punished him or his rude friend Reid. I was never well liked in high school. I was the weird/annoying girl with the tacky personality/the one with issues. Aside from the gymnastics team, no one appreciated me or my personality. When I was younger, I watched people fit in at Op-c and Holy spirit elementary I was just to stupid to be a part of it(i'm retarded so I wasn't ever on the same level as everyone else). At Holy Spirit elementary, I was the dumb kid with the para. I needed constant breaks and they were never long enough. I argued with my para that I needed more time and the mean nun, sister petra over heard and she came charging at me screaming, "YOU'RE SO FULL OF HATE.etc" and I was shocked, embarrassed and angry. I didn't know this at the time, but I had undiagnosed ADHD and had trouble processing things and got overwhelmed by assignments and info. I shut down and drew to keep myself from having a panic attack. That wasn't allowed though and I got mad when my teachers and para said I couldn't draw. They called the mean principal, mrs.Watson and she would bend down a few inches from my face and scream at me in sort of a threatening whisper, "ISABELLE MYZER DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" and she smirked when I cried, humiliated me and took my picture just to harrasse me, when I asked her why she did it she said, "because I'M the principal and I'm allowed." She'd try to make me mad in front of people and make me look bad. I hated her. But no one really saw it from my end. People did nothing but judge. After all shes the principal and shes "allowed" and that TOTALLY makes it right.
My friends, meg and michelle understood and got their parents involved. Meg's mom told the priest and he did nothing. the resource teacher, Mrs.Brun saw me at my worst and still cared. Shes my favorite person in the world and one of the few people who make me feel safe and understood. She gave my friend fnathan (the other dumb kid) hot chocolate when we got back from oak park. She was always there like a long lost aunt that I never had. I tried reaching out to her recently, but she has a busy schedule and I don't think she even knows how to help me. I miss her, but some of the memories of her are the mean principal, Mrs.Watson bullying us. Most of the good memories I had with her are blocked out, after the hot chocolate memory almost everything is vague if there at all. I usually remember everything, but they're just gone and the only reason I can think of is that maybe there's some PTSD about what went on my last year at Holy Spirit. Like I said, the principal, mrs.Watson and nun, sister Petra bullied both of us. I try to tell my truth, and explain my side, but no one understands and so many people dismiss it and tell me to move on. You wouldn't believe the number of people who blame me... As for the other place I attended part time for academic support, things were different but same end result.
I though there was something genuine in my teacher and principal at Op-c because they seemed to care at the time, they laughed at my short story made me feel supported. They had no idea about what watson and petra did, and I intended to tell them. so I tried reaching out and staying in touch with them. I just wanted comfort and someone I could trust. I thought it would bring me peace and healing to talk to them again. My teacher, Ms.Allen and I became facebook friends and talked sometimes. After she asked me about how to find monarch caterpillars, she stopped talking to me. Then my account got hacked and she blocked me. I thought it was just a misunderstanding so I asked her about it on another form of social media and she didn't even respond. I made art for the Op-C principal, mrs.Morgan. She originally said she wanted to meet, but I guess she changed her mind. I left the art at the door and she thanked me for it but said she couldn't meet. I even offered lunch but she just didn't care all she said was, "Isabelle, I can't meet with you socially." like she was annoyed almost. Maybe she wasn't trying to be mean, but I don't really care at this point. I can't say I'm to surprised either, because this is just how people are. I was disappointed. I thought I saw something genuine but yet again I was wrong. It was all a lie.
They pretended to care and they won't miss me. I remember when I was at Op-c. I was upset and stressed about everything. I remember a kind teacher telling me that my strengths and that I was kind. I remember her telling me not to beat myself up. I remember a kind principal taking me for a walk to calm down, talking to me about cute butterflies and other things that made me happy. I remember her giving me advice. I remember the encouragement. I remember meeting my reading goal and them saying how proud they were of me and giving me a trophy. I remember a kind teacher and principal laughing at the short essay I wrote about the best summer I ever had with my friend Meg and my favorite person, Mrs.Brun. I remember them caring and making me feel like it was all going to be okay. But that memory was the last one that made me feel attached to this life and now its bitter and makes my head burn. I don't feel right...everything feels off. I think I've reached my limit. I have this fundraiser to do, which will probably be another disappointment or waste of time but it's for my old friend, Alliea who caught her bus early. Idk if she wrecked her car on purpose to kill herself or if it were just an accident...but it doesn't matter because she's gone and soon I will be too. My last good deed better not be for nothing, maybe this is selfish but I hope I get something out of it. I'll go out with a bang...or maybe I'll just leave.
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