I feel fairly calm right now, but not in a good way. In a way which typically occurs after burning out from an episode of complete distress and desperation. These episodes are happening weekly now. I reckon it's because I'm so actively suicidal but stuck in the house with my mum. Apart from that I'm working and having to put all my strength into being normal on the outside while I'm feeling like I'm already dead on the inside.
I ended up putting my foot through my door because I was that desperate and so angry because all I want is to die. Though an ease of my situation would make it a bit better, but I'd still want to die. So now there's that stupid false hope I have which a part of me is saying it's definitely false, and the other part saying it might not be. I've also pretty much just been binge eating on and off for a couple of weeks now due to this. Just planning on dying but never getting round to it because I'm scared if I fail yet again I'll have to face the consequences (yet again). There's no care when I attempted suicide, though things were put in place which somehow managed to ruin me even further. Some of those things are ironically named "healthcare", when in fact all it's done is gaslight and isolate me. Telling me, without actually saying, that's it's my choice to end my life. Yet not allowing me a dignified way to do so.
So now I'm just waiting for the suicidal rumbling to build up again until I explode... again. I can't explain the feeling. It looks like I'm having an extreme tantrum when it happens. And sadly, that's how it's viewed as and explained to be by professionals. A tantrum. I just wish people understood the absolute agony of how it feels to be wholly trapped. Yes, I can physically move about. But I am stuck in my head. Even me describing it as "absolute agony" doesn't do it justice.
I ended up putting my foot through my door because I was that desperate and so angry because all I want is to die. Though an ease of my situation would make it a bit better, but I'd still want to die. So now there's that stupid false hope I have which a part of me is saying it's definitely false, and the other part saying it might not be. I've also pretty much just been binge eating on and off for a couple of weeks now due to this. Just planning on dying but never getting round to it because I'm scared if I fail yet again I'll have to face the consequences (yet again). There's no care when I attempted suicide, though things were put in place which somehow managed to ruin me even further. Some of those things are ironically named "healthcare", when in fact all it's done is gaslight and isolate me. Telling me, without actually saying, that's it's my choice to end my life. Yet not allowing me a dignified way to do so.
So now I'm just waiting for the suicidal rumbling to build up again until I explode... again. I can't explain the feeling. It looks like I'm having an extreme tantrum when it happens. And sadly, that's how it's viewed as and explained to be by professionals. A tantrum. I just wish people understood the absolute agony of how it feels to be wholly trapped. Yes, I can physically move about. But I am stuck in my head. Even me describing it as "absolute agony" doesn't do it justice.
