- Nov 24, 2020
The scheduled day is coming. I will fast for 24 hours. 48 might be suspicious and think I'm sick or something. My method is to take an antacid 1 hour before NS, two or three hours before a strong analgesic and during that day my usual anxiolytics, increasing the dose somewhat out of fear. I have atenolol which is a beta blocker and will help with tachycardias. I will prepare two glasses of 25 gr. For 85 kg I think it will be fine. I'm not going to deny that I'm afraid but I can't take this life anymore. It is a price to pay for the unknown. I start to think about the suffering that I will generate for those close to me but I have to. This life has no future. I am an empathetic person and perhaps that is why this is the most difficult step, imagining the pain of others, but in 19 years I have had to fight a lot to keep jobs, a lot of medication ... this is not life. Going out into the street with the fear of a panic attack, not going far or traveling. My brain is not made for this life. I just have to write my note. Fuck, it's hard. I would like someone to hold my hand but I'm going to spend it in absolute solitude. I'll do a parting thread, just that.