Daisy88_99
Never Enough
- Apr 22, 2026
- 97
"If there was a button that could kill me instantly, I would press it without hesitation and I would for years. The ONLY thing stopping me is the lack of PAINLESS methods available."
Some people seem to have liked this reply I had on one forum so here I just want to get my thoughts out and elaborate so I'll yap a lot so I am sorry in advance for my rambling but I just want to get this off my chest before I acc CTB which is DEF gonna happen before or during this summer. Something big is starting on September for me and I have a feeling I'll not be around for that. I just wanted to write this because I have a feeling a lot of people feel like this.
So where to start? I'll start with this quote "Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75" - popularized by Benjamin Franklin.
I love this quote because I think it depicts the mind of a person who wants to CTB perfectly. I am sure I am not the only who would press the button and that's what I think it's meant by 'die at 25', it obv doesn't have to be 25 but the premise holds. I think if the answer to the question of would you press the button is yes, then I think you have already died, you are just waiting to be buried.
This story starts with a realization. The realization that our suffering is inherently meaningless. You can believe in a God and I am not here to make you a non-believer or call you out but these are just my opinions. I actually envy people that still believe despite this unforgiving world, I wish I had that strength and faith. But the people who believe in a God are lying to themselves, one look at the problem of evil and suffering, or even if you don't like philosophy then just ONE look at what's happening around the world should make you not believe, in at least the all-mighty all-"good" God. I am not gonna get into politics cuz that's not what this is about but everything is politics. I hate people who say "Let's not talk about politics" when the only reason they are saying that is cuz they have the PRIVILEGE to be able to say that. I am not gonna act like my life is all suffering, I do have my insecurities and bad-luck but I currently live in Canada which is one of most developed countries there is. My point is there are people going through much worse then I am which is a topic debated since the beginning of time so I am not gonna restate the argument here. The point is, I don't believe in God because if there is a God and he made THIS world, then that almost certainly means he's not all-good and I don't want to accept that reality.
The CTB thoughts have gotten worse recently, that's the entire reason why I made this account and I am researching my current exit plan which I have lot of faith on. But this is not where it all started. This started a looooong time ago and I'll just recall this one summer. I had the the thoughts everyday, I had made a plan, the plan wasn't perfect and foolproof but what plan is am I right. This plan involved a lot of suffering but I had ways to reduce that mainly through THC (weed). Everyday, and I kid you not, everyday for the entire summer I told myself tomorrow is the day, tmr is the day all of this meaninglessness ends, at least for me. Day by day the summer slowly started to fade away but the thoughts kept getting louder. Idk what stopped me maybe it was the thought of pain before death, or friends calling me, or my parents even tho I told myself what it doesn't matter, I'll be gone anyway. I have experienced non-existence for billions of years before I was born, and I was completely fine with it, so what is death if not going back to that paradise. But we are humans, we have emotions, and for me at least that thought wasn't enough. So like a coward I kept on saying I'll do it tmr but tmr never came. I swear obv idk how I would react to the situation but If i had a loaded gun in front of me on ANY of those days and on any day that didn't feel like it was enough, like most of my days are, I would have put it straight to my head and pulled the trigger. But yet again the summer faded away, the thoughts still there at the back of my mind, but once the summer was over, I had more distractions and more "reasons" to stay. But it didn't change anything, no matter how much drugs I did, how many carts of THC i went through, nothing ever erased that feeling. Am I forever destined to feel like this?
Anyway, here I am tdy. The thoughts screaming at me. With no way to calm down because I don't have THC anymore or nicotine. Forever stuck in this flesh-bag I call home in a reality that is prob not even real. And even though I think after we die, there is nothing, just a void. The idea that smth much worse awaits terrifies me but I am logical so that's not going to stop me from CTB cuz I am 99.9% sure it's prob just the void again. So here I am, ready to end it any day now once I get my hands on my method and figure out the exact plan. Floating on a space rock that is just following the rules of nature and physics, which is eventually gonna end, the sun will die, galaxies will dissipate, black holes will evaporate, atoms will break apart and and the Universe will sing its final song. Nothing gold can stay but I don't want to stay even one more day.
I am already dead. But alive to experience it.
Some people seem to have liked this reply I had on one forum so here I just want to get my thoughts out and elaborate so I'll yap a lot so I am sorry in advance for my rambling but I just want to get this off my chest before I acc CTB which is DEF gonna happen before or during this summer. Something big is starting on September for me and I have a feeling I'll not be around for that. I just wanted to write this because I have a feeling a lot of people feel like this.
So where to start? I'll start with this quote "Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75" - popularized by Benjamin Franklin.
I love this quote because I think it depicts the mind of a person who wants to CTB perfectly. I am sure I am not the only who would press the button and that's what I think it's meant by 'die at 25', it obv doesn't have to be 25 but the premise holds. I think if the answer to the question of would you press the button is yes, then I think you have already died, you are just waiting to be buried.
This story starts with a realization. The realization that our suffering is inherently meaningless. You can believe in a God and I am not here to make you a non-believer or call you out but these are just my opinions. I actually envy people that still believe despite this unforgiving world, I wish I had that strength and faith. But the people who believe in a God are lying to themselves, one look at the problem of evil and suffering, or even if you don't like philosophy then just ONE look at what's happening around the world should make you not believe, in at least the all-mighty all-"good" God. I am not gonna get into politics cuz that's not what this is about but everything is politics. I hate people who say "Let's not talk about politics" when the only reason they are saying that is cuz they have the PRIVILEGE to be able to say that. I am not gonna act like my life is all suffering, I do have my insecurities and bad-luck but I currently live in Canada which is one of most developed countries there is. My point is there are people going through much worse then I am which is a topic debated since the beginning of time so I am not gonna restate the argument here. The point is, I don't believe in God because if there is a God and he made THIS world, then that almost certainly means he's not all-good and I don't want to accept that reality.
The CTB thoughts have gotten worse recently, that's the entire reason why I made this account and I am researching my current exit plan which I have lot of faith on. But this is not where it all started. This started a looooong time ago and I'll just recall this one summer. I had the the thoughts everyday, I had made a plan, the plan wasn't perfect and foolproof but what plan is am I right. This plan involved a lot of suffering but I had ways to reduce that mainly through THC (weed). Everyday, and I kid you not, everyday for the entire summer I told myself tomorrow is the day, tmr is the day all of this meaninglessness ends, at least for me. Day by day the summer slowly started to fade away but the thoughts kept getting louder. Idk what stopped me maybe it was the thought of pain before death, or friends calling me, or my parents even tho I told myself what it doesn't matter, I'll be gone anyway. I have experienced non-existence for billions of years before I was born, and I was completely fine with it, so what is death if not going back to that paradise. But we are humans, we have emotions, and for me at least that thought wasn't enough. So like a coward I kept on saying I'll do it tmr but tmr never came. I swear obv idk how I would react to the situation but If i had a loaded gun in front of me on ANY of those days and on any day that didn't feel like it was enough, like most of my days are, I would have put it straight to my head and pulled the trigger. But yet again the summer faded away, the thoughts still there at the back of my mind, but once the summer was over, I had more distractions and more "reasons" to stay. But it didn't change anything, no matter how much drugs I did, how many carts of THC i went through, nothing ever erased that feeling. Am I forever destined to feel like this?
Anyway, here I am tdy. The thoughts screaming at me. With no way to calm down because I don't have THC anymore or nicotine. Forever stuck in this flesh-bag I call home in a reality that is prob not even real. And even though I think after we die, there is nothing, just a void. The idea that smth much worse awaits terrifies me but I am logical so that's not going to stop me from CTB cuz I am 99.9% sure it's prob just the void again. So here I am, ready to end it any day now once I get my hands on my method and figure out the exact plan. Floating on a space rock that is just following the rules of nature and physics, which is eventually gonna end, the sun will die, galaxies will dissipate, black holes will evaporate, atoms will break apart and and the Universe will sing its final song. Nothing gold can stay but I don't want to stay even one more day.
I am already dead. But alive to experience it.
