that's all, folks (sn)

[a beautiful mess]

ongoing update:

(just fyi)

i am still on the fence. slept until midday, fasting. made my sn preparations again. wrote a last minute apology note to my landlord (specifying what he should sell in my apt. to help cover my mess).

then a close friend called for help with something work related, and we kind of talked about what's going on with me. i lied about the immediacy and specifics (like the bottle of h20+sn that was sitting just out of view of my webcam), but it was still some helpful perspective (both for and against ctb, actually).

i decided i'm giving myself at least a few days to mull this all over. financially, things don't get hairy until after this week (i kind of spent myself into a corner, based on the assumption i was ctb ... and probably also to force the issue). anyway, maybe having that space will help me make a decision one way or the other by the weekend. i'll let you know.

in the meantime, i'm talking with another friend tonight who has enough experience with real-life trouble that i think can handle going a little deeper down this rabbit hole with me.

i didn't mean to start this thread to string folks along. i am sorry about that. i specifically tried to wait until this was basically about to happen to post anything. but i'm am grateful to each of you for your empathy and thoughtful words. as this is literally real life and death stuff ... they really have meant so much more than i could have expected, however this goes for me.

thank you.

 

[takemenowpls]

ongoing update:

(just fyi)

i am still on the fence. slept until midday, fasting. made my sn preparations again. wrote a last minute apology note to my landlord (specifying what he should sell in my apt. to help cover my mess).

then a close friend called for help with something work related, and we kind of talked about what's going on with me. i lied about the immediacy and specifics (like the bottle of h20+sn that was sitting just out of view of my webcam), but it was still some helpful perspective (both for and against ctb, actually).

i decided i'm giving myself at least a few days to mull this all over. financially, things don't get hairy until after this week (i kind of spent myself into a corner, based on the assumption i was ctb ... and probably also to force the issue). anyway, maybe having that space will help me make a decision one way or the other by the weekend. i'll let you know.

in the meantime, i'm talking with another friend tonight who has enough experience with real-life trouble that i think can handle going a little deeper down this rabbit hole with me.

i didn't mean to start this thread to string folks along. i am sorry about that. i specifically tried to wait until this was basically about to happen to post anything. but i'm am grateful to each of you for your empathy and thoughtful words. as this is literally real life and death stuff ... they really have meant so much more than i could have expected, however this goes for me.

thank you.

ongoing update:

(just fyi)

i am still on the fence. slept until midday, fasting. made my sn preparations again. wrote a last minute apology note to my landlord (specifying what he should sell in my apt. to help cover my mess).

then a close friend called for help with something work related, and we kind of talked about what's going on with me. i lied about the immediacy and specifics (like the bottle of h20+sn that was sitting just out of view of my webcam), but it was still some helpful perspective (both for and against ctb, actually).

i decided i'm giving myself at least a few days to mull this all over. financially, things don't get hairy until after this week (i kind of spent myself into a corner, based on the assumption i was ctb ... and probably also to force the issue). anyway, maybe having that space will help me make a decision one way or the other by the weekend. i'll let you know.

in the meantime, i'm talking with another friend tonight who has enough experience with real-life trouble that i think can handle going a little deeper down this rabbit hole with me.

i didn't mean to start this thread to string folks along. i am sorry about that. i specifically tried to wait until this was basically about to happen to post anything. but i'm am grateful to each of you for your empathy and thoughtful words. as this is literally real life and death stuff ... they really have meant so much more than i could have expected, however this goes for me.

thank you.

I am so glad to hear you are letting some time pass before making this huge choice. No one here thinks you were stringing anyone along. The decision to ctb is not an easy one. I can only imagine what you are going through but I too will be at these same crossroads soon. I hope the very best when talking with your friend.

 

[rationaltake]

I'm pleased you've got the chance to talk with a couple of people. I hope it helps to clarify things.

 

[justanotherone2022]

Like you said:

"The decision to ctb is not an easy one."

So don't apologize. If you need to talk, write... just do it.

 

[Lonerzepam]

Wish you the best friend. I hope that whatever choice you make it will give you relief from whatever you are going through.

I really too don't wanna live what this life has become neither and I know I'll leave my things behind soon but I'm just not ready for it yet. My SN still hasn't arrived. But besides that I'm not ready for it mentally neither. I think I'll have to completely clear my mind before deciding. I'll try that by meditating cuz I heard it's also preperation for death.

We all gone end up meeting at the finishing line at some point. But I'd prefer rather being prepared for it and go out in a hopefully decently peacefull way (SN) or even N if I get my hands on it than carrying all my pain for the rest of my life and then eventually die a natural death which could be way less peacefull.

Whatever choice you make it's up to you atleast that's a good part of it. And also that you can choose the way how you want to die of course.

Wish you the best brother have a nice day enjoy every breath you take while you still can.

Peace bro

 

[blackwidow]

so complicated this life we live.. or rather exist in. I personally think that you've made the right decision.. talk to your friend try to dig deeper as you say..and don't let money determine your existence.. I fukin hate money. the root of so much stress despair and hate.. the is a recovery section on here, its not all about ctb and how to do it.. after all, as much as we don't want to be here reading some of the recovery posts is really interesting and uplifting., don't be blinkered to it like some are, utilise it see how you feel., I commend your braveness and send hugs to you my friend.

 

[GettingOut]

I feel for you so much and wish you get a lot of comfort and clarity from speaking to your friend. Don't feel bad at all about creating the post. By it you see how people support you in your darkest times and when hope appears again. You are a beautiful soul that has a lot of pain, but your beauty is much bigger than your emotional wounds. That is why you deserve genuine peace whether through ctb or recovery, only you can decide. Love you brother

 

[Cathy Ames]

ongoing update:

(just fyi)

i am still on the fence. slept until midday, fasting. made my sn preparations again. wrote a last minute apology note to my landlord (specifying what he should sell in my apt. to help cover my mess).

then a close friend called for help with something work related, and we kind of talked about what's going on with me. i lied about the immediacy and specifics (like the bottle of h20+sn that was sitting just out of view of my webcam), but it was still some helpful perspective (both for and against ctb, actually).

i decided i'm giving myself at least a few days to mull this all over. financially, things don't get hairy until after this week (i kind of spent myself into a corner, based on the assumption i was ctb ... and probably also to force the issue). anyway, maybe having that space will help me make a decision one way or the other by the weekend. i'll let you know.

in the meantime, i'm talking with another friend tonight who has enough experience with real-life trouble that i think can handle going a little deeper down this rabbit hole with me.

i didn't mean to start this thread to string folks along. i am sorry about that. i specifically tried to wait until this was basically about to happen to post anything. but i'm am grateful to each of you for your empathy and thoughtful words. as this is literally real life and death stuff ... they really have meant so much more than i could have expected, however this goes for me.

thank you.

Based on the fact that you said you don't want to die, I very much hope you can figure something out. Best wishes!!!!