• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

F

FadeToBlack1109

New Member
Jul 18, 2025
1
I have absolutely made the call to ctb, decided on a method that I deem as fool-proof as possible and I have everything I need, as well as my apartment where no one will check on me for days/weeks. I'm completely set to do it.

But I still just... don't? I prolong my suffering with every day, I keep reading on this forum to comfort myself with this decision and I go through the plan in my head all day long. But I never get out of bed and actually do it. I can't stand it anymore, everyday is torture (I'm not gonna get into the personal details, but believe me, it IS torture).

I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I've read about people on here waiting for a certain date or until their meds run out or their rent is due or whatever, but I don't have any of that.

Is this something that other people experience as well? Is this just SI or like, a sign there's still some fight left in me, even with no win in sight?

And how do I get myself to just do it?

Just wondering about other people's experiences
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: Dejected 55, betternever2havbeen, kunikuzushi and 3 others
Rynalia

Rynalia

Who even am I?
Apr 22, 2025
285
For me, my lack of haste is a bit intentional. I'm not in a rush to die, but it's not like I'm waiting for anything either.

I have a huge amount of self-loathing, and I honestly don't see myself as someone deserving of either a good life nor a quick death.

My plan was almost always of the slow and grueling variety. To back myself into a corner and lock all the exits. To live a meaningless, painful life and to die a miserable death.

Considering all the things I've been subjected to in my life, I'm a little offended that no one ever bothered to pull the trigger on me when I was down, all these years.

Perhaps my mentality grew even more twisted because of that. No one pulled the trigger even when I was down, so even I grew to see myself as someone who didn't deserve to die, much less live.

Perhaps it sounds a bit dramatic, a bit showy, a bit 2000s emo, perhaps. I've been hit with the, "you're only seeking attention" bit plenty of times as well.

But it was never the case that I wanted anyone else to be dragged into this whole self-destructive path... Not like they would notice even if I had a neon sign though. That's just how much I don't really matter to people around me.

I also frankly find it far too late to get help at this point anyways, not because it would be hard to recover, but because even if I did recover, I have nothing to actually look forward to. My life "stopped" when I hit my teenage years, after all.

I'm not living, I'm only existing.

Honestly if I died by sheer luck via a non-method or even through a health complication, I would just consider it a mercy kill. Saving me from myself, even.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: kunikuzushi and monetpompo
T

Terrible_Life_99

Member
Jul 3, 2025
68
I have the exact same problem. My life is absolutely inhumane. From the moment when I wake up my suffering starts. I'm completely isolated and just want to hang myself. My problem is when its all theoretical I am so confident to end it bud every time when I look at the woodbeam or make my tests I become absolutely anxious.
My only advice: we just have to do it, at least in my case. I reflected my whole life and I realized how terrible it was and that it'll get much worse when I stay here. I will have to force myself to finally end this suffering .
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: kunikuzushi
O

offbalance

All I want is peace
Dec 16, 2021
234
I have absolutely made the call to ctb, decided on a method that I deem as fool-proof as possible and I have everything I need, as well as my apartment where no one will check on me for days/weeks. I'm completely set to do it.

But I still just... don't? I prolong my suffering with every day, I keep reading on this forum to comfort myself with this decision and I go through the plan in my head all day long. But I never get out of bed and actually do it. I can't stand it anymore, everyday is torture (I'm not gonna get into the personal details, but believe me, it IS torture).

I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I've read about people on here waiting for a certain date or until their meds run out or their rent is due or whatever, but I don't have any of that.

Is this something that other people experience as well? Is this just SI or like, a sign there's still some fight left in me, even with no win in sight?

And how do I get myself to just do it?

Just wondering about other people's experiences
Could be SI, but there's nothing wrong with waiting. Many people on this forum say you can't just simply kill yourself it has to be the right time. That being said, dwelling on harsh realities of life helps me reduce SI and feel more ready.
 

Similar threads

S
Replies
2
Views
155
Suicide Discussion
FuneralCry
FuneralCry
KimDokja
Replies
0
Views
98
Offtopic
KimDokja
KimDokja
scriptedsad
Replies
10
Views
387
Suicide Discussion
erik_signe
erik_signe
bl33ding_heart
Replies
3
Views
124
Recovery
soledad.virgen
soledad.virgen
dantexxnfrn
Replies
2
Views
221
Suicide Discussion
moonlightbeach
moonlightbeach