That feeling of "What am I even waiting for"?

[FadeToBlack1109]

I have absolutely made the call to ctb, decided on a method that I deem as fool-proof as possible and I have everything I need, as well as my apartment where no one will check on me for days/weeks. I'm completely set to do it.

But I still just... don't? I prolong my suffering with every day, I keep reading on this forum to comfort myself with this decision and I go through the plan in my head all day long. But I never get out of bed and actually do it. I can't stand it anymore, everyday is torture (I'm not gonna get into the personal details, but believe me, it IS torture).

I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I've read about people on here waiting for a certain date or until their meds run out or their rent is due or whatever, but I don't have any of that.

Is this something that other people experience as well? Is this just SI or like, a sign there's still some fight left in me, even with no win in sight?

And how do I get myself to just do it?

Just wondering about other people's experiences

 

[Rynalia]

For me, my lack of haste is a bit intentional. I'm not in a rush to die, but it's not like I'm waiting for anything either.

I have a huge amount of self-loathing, and I honestly don't see myself as someone deserving of either a good life nor a quick death.

My plan was almost always of the slow and grueling variety. To back myself into a corner and lock all the exits. To live a meaningless, painful life and to die a miserable death.

Considering all the things I've been subjected to in my life, I'm a little offended that no one ever bothered to pull the trigger on me when I was down, all these years.

Perhaps my mentality grew even more twisted because of that. No one pulled the trigger even when I was down, so even I grew to see myself as someone who didn't deserve to die, much less live.

Perhaps it sounds a bit dramatic, a bit showy, a bit 2000s emo, perhaps. I've been hit with the, "you're only seeking attention" bit plenty of times as well.

But it was never the case that I wanted anyone else to be dragged into this whole self-destructive path... Not like they would notice even if I had a neon sign though. That's just how much I don't really matter to people around me.

I also frankly find it far too late to get help at this point anyways, not because it would be hard to recover, but because even if I did recover, I have nothing to actually look forward to. My life "stopped" when I hit my teenage years, after all.

I'm not living, I'm only existing.

Honestly if I died by sheer luck via a non-method or even through a health complication, I would just consider it a mercy kill. Saving me from myself, even.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I have the exact same problem. My life is absolutely inhumane. From the moment when I wake up my suffering starts. I'm completely isolated and just want to hang myself. My problem is when its all theoretical I am so confident to end it bud every time when I look at the woodbeam or make my tests I become absolutely anxious.
My only advice: we just have to do it, at least in my case. I reflected my whole life and I realized how terrible it was and that it'll get much worse when I stay here. I will have to force myself to finally end this suffering .

 

[offbalance]

I have absolutely made the call to ctb, decided on a method that I deem as fool-proof as possible and I have everything I need, as well as my apartment where no one will check on me for days/weeks. I'm completely set to do it.

But I still just... don't? I prolong my suffering with every day, I keep reading on this forum to comfort myself with this decision and I go through the plan in my head all day long. But I never get out of bed and actually do it. I can't stand it anymore, everyday is torture (I'm not gonna get into the personal details, but believe me, it IS torture).

I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I've read about people on here waiting for a certain date or until their meds run out or their rent is due or whatever, but I don't have any of that.

Is this something that other people experience as well? Is this just SI or like, a sign there's still some fight left in me, even with no win in sight?

And how do I get myself to just do it?

Just wondering about other people's experiences

Could be SI, but there's nothing wrong with waiting. Many people on this forum say you can't just simply kill yourself it has to be the right time. That being said, dwelling on harsh realities of life helps me reduce SI and feel more ready.

 

[FadeToBlack1109]

I have the exact same problem. My life is absolutely inhumane. From the moment when I wake up my suffering starts. I'm completely isolated and just want to hang myself. My problem is when its all theoretical I am so confident to end it bud every time when I look at the woodbeam or make my tests I become absolutely anxious.
My only advice: we just have to do it, at least in my case. I reflected my whole life and I realized how terrible it was and that it'll get much worse when I stay here. I will have to force myself to finally end this suffering .

Yeah it's exactly the same for me. I also came to the conclusion that I'll just have to do it sooner or later, but I'd like to convice myself to do it sooner. If I could make myself do it literally 10 minutes from now, I would. There's nothing stopping me. But I just can't and I don't know why

I don't know if I'm subconsciously waiting for things to get better... or to get worse.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Yeah I definitely get this too lol. Im planning on going through at the end of this month, maybe on August 1. I guess I still have stuff I wanna experience. Then when my time's up, well, my time's up, and I've gotta go.

 

[FadeToBlack1109]

Yeah I definitely get this too lol. Im planning on going through at the end of this month, maybe on August 1. I guess I still have stuff I wanna experience. Then when my time's up, well, my time's up, and I've gotta go.

Sounds valid, but that's actually very different from me

In your case, there's still stuff you wanna do. And you do have a date set. But for me, there's nothing left to do, nothing I'm waiting for, no specific date and no reason to set one. I could do it this very instant, but I just don't and I dunno why

Anyways, I hope you'll experience everything you want and find your peace whatever way you choose

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

can u say what method.

i have one method i could do today shooting myself but same i can't get myself to do it . i'm pretty sure it would work.

i know i need to do it as soon as possible . and part of my brain wants to do it too. when i think about it logically there is no reason to live and many reasons some very grave to get out of this hell.

 

[FadeToBlack1109]

can u say what method.

i have one method i could do today shooting myself but same i can't get myself to do it . i'm pretty sure it would work.

i know i need to do it as soon as possible . and part of my brain wants to do it too. when i think about it logically there is no reason to live and many reasons to get out of this hell.

I've been planning to do partial hanging with a few extra steps. I'd definitely prefer shooting myself as well, but don't have access to firearms in my country.

I don't think the chosen method has anything to do with our inexplicable hesitation though. Shooting is arguably the most successful method, and yet we're still hesitating just the same.

I guess we're just subconsciously waiting for things to get even worse, to give us that final push