Yeah sometimes the antisocial behaviour stems from autism, and the narcissistic, too. You both seem a explosive mixture just as me and my ex.
That is the word, thank you. When we started hanging out with eachother 4 years ago and more feelings evolved I thought to myself "Meteora, you cant do this, this is a repetition of what you ve already experienced so many times in your life". But I was very in need of a friend or partner so at some point I just gave up control and enjoyed the good parts. And there were also many unexpected nice things.
Yes true, they apparently have to make a concious decision because they don't feel it naturally. My ex was desperate about the fact. It always seemd to me he wanted to be "normal". Which of course he never could but I somehow believed in his will for change. And he did change a lot, too.
The part where he knows what you need and refuses it.... phew... that's very very tough. And also that he has this ex.-wife he loved more than anyone......... it s so painful what you re describing and.... I wished you d find the strenght to leave him because you deserve better...... but of course, I know perfectly how you feel......
It's sad to read that you are going to ctb....... however, I wish you a safe journey to the other side and may you rest in eternal peace.
I'm still here. My option is open to me nearly anytime, so not losing anything by postponing it, potentially indefinitely.
This morning he dropped me off where he used to back when I had a life outside this place, we figured that would be best so no one questioned why he didn't report me. I told him if he talked so would I, & I'd just do it when I got anyways. He kept saying how he was right about everything & I was wrong. I said if he thought everything he did was right that meant he would continue on the way he has been the last 6 months & I couldn't live without him but I couldn't live like this. I had deleted WhatsApp, & ALL my contacts & messages. He knew I had no one I could call (he knew I didn't have any numbers written down anywhere either) & that I was going to cbt.
I got near enough to the location where I planned to do it & wanted to finally end this. (My first failed real attempt was at 14, & I made it to day 3 of VSED a couple times as an adult but wasn't in a suitable place to continue). He kept texting asking me to come back, & I finally asked him if he really only had 1 regret about his actions over the last 6 months, & he admitted he had a few. I am not hopeful. I wish with all my heart for our relationship to work, that this honeymoon stage will go on forever... On my way back I passed where I planned to cbt, so was able to confirm the suitability of that method. Even knowing I was coming home to my partner, I got such a strange & lovely feeling seeing & thinking about how I actually could be at peace if I wanted to. It was so comforting.
Think I am in shock now. I was fine coming back in the taxi, but then it took me 2 hours to roll a cigarette & make a cup of coffee, that was hours ago. No music or phone or anything-just checking occasionally in case a text from him came in (notifications off or something.) Feels strange being alive, had a foolproof method so it wasn't like the last times when I hoped for the best-this was certain.
He knows there is no way I could stay away from him & was even going to get me a ticket out of the country, but he really is the love of my life. We really do like the same stuff, similar life goals, etc. I'm a loner & so is he, so we were perfectly content just to be together & talk for hours. Our childhoods, everything. I would never cbt over a breakup, but what we have is special. Beyond lovebombing, we just connect in a way I never have with anyone else. I fell in love with him, then got so trauma bonded it's embarrassing. I can't even be near him without some part of my body connected to him.
I even like that he's a bit obsessive & controlling. In my messed up world the more attention someone pays the more they care. I do have a perfectly legitimate & "healthy" reason that I like him knowing where I am at all times though. When I ran away from my abusive father as a teen I had to cut off ties with everyone, hitchhiking around the country under a fake name. Standing alone on a desolate road, no one knows who or where you are... it was so horrifically lonely & scary-if anything happened no one would have ever known. It's extremely reassuring just to send a quick text so he knows when I change my location.
With trauma bonds you do need to remember that it can get easier & easier for each new partner to trauma bond you. I faked Stockholm at 15 the first time a partner wouldn't let me leave (it's not easy sleeping handcuffed) but found with each successive partner they had less trouble getting it to form. I am very strong willed & was able to leave them, though I wasn't able to even think about dating for a couple years afterwards. What I just went through... I could never live without him. Please be aware this is a possibility, & it probably really is the best thing for you to go no contact immediately, while you still can.
Yeah, we're quite a pair. I'll have to do some of those games so I can hit that magic number and DM, if I can. He may think being on here isn't good for me in which case I will miss you & keep you in my thoughts, but if I do cbt i will be back to at least let you know.
