Help Text from ex-boyfriend

[Meteora]

I m in great emotional distress. My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. We were together 3,5 years, we broke up about three times during that period.

Tonight I texted him asking if he s still mad at me and if he s determined to break up for good.

His answer is a complete shock: he wrote that i shouldnt even try to reconnect, that he found a girl two weeks ago who gives him what I never did, that he s high on crystal.
That I fucked up our relationship.

That he will pay me back money and that I should send him his stuff


Two weeks ago he was still studying at the uni.....

My ex is an Asperger's autist. He had a very dark time when he was 15 to 18. He got addicted to crystal meth.

How on earth does he now end up taking drugs again after so many years of sobriety?????

I m so confused and crying and absolutely dont know what to do or answer.
I m so sad and angry that he replaces me..... after two weeks .
Of course she gives him everything I never could....
I m so done.

 

[notforl0ng]

I'm so sorry. Misery loves company and I guarantee you a state of misery is the only place he's headed. I've seen drug addiction take most of my loved ones and you never get over the pain. I don't have any words to make you feel better but I can tell you it isn't you who fucked up the relationship.

The girl who gives him "what you never could" is a temporary fix. Bonding over drugs. It leads to nowhere and that's the path he chose. It's never what people want to hear, but I think it's the right thing sometimes: you dodged a bullet.

I know how it feels to be replaced in no time at all and it's something I never actually recovered from. I've been emotionally unavailable and single for four years now. I think you should put on some music and cry it out. That helps me process things when the panic attacks come through. I recommend no contact with this guy if you can stomach it. It's more short term pain that helps you a lot more in the long run. 3.5 years is a long time for a relationship, and they say it takes around half the length of a relationship to really process the loss and begin to get over it. Try to be strong. It's not worth letting a single person have the power to push you to the edge, ever.

 

[SexyIncél]

His answer is a complete shock: he wrote that i shouldnt even try to reconnect, that he found a girl two weeks ago who gives him what I never did, that he s high on crystal.
[...]
Of course she gives him everything I never could....

Careful with words designed to wound. They can poison you for a long time. Even if they were merely said to spite & humiliate — with no reasonable truth

If she gives him everything, then why's he on drugs? He wasn't on drugs with you. Maybe she just gives him bad breath. If that's important to you, maybe don't brush your teeth tonight

(But seriously, I don't know what happened between you two)

 

[Meteora]

The girl who gives him "what you never could" is a temporary fix. Bonding over drugs.

That's what I thought, too.

It's never what people want to hear, but I think it's the right thing sometimes: you dodged a bullet.

Hm yes, maybe..... it's just that I cate for him even if we re not together anymore. He helped me through the toughest time of my life, he prolonged it if you will, I was determined to suicide when we met.

I know how it feels to be replaced in no time at all and it's something I never actually recovered from. I've been emotionally unavailable and single for four years now. I think you should put on some music and cry it out.

I m so sorry....... crying out helps, that's right.

I recommend no contact with this guy if you can stomach it.

Not sure if I can..... just want him to be ok... he must have abandoned the university....

Careful with words designed to wound. They can poison you for a long time. Even if they were merely said to spite & humiliate — with no reasonable truth

Yeah I dont get why he s so extremely angry at me! Ok, I m not the easoest person, either, but there s no reason to be so destructive and humuliating.

If she gives him everything, then why's he on drugs? He wasn't on drugs with you. Maybe she just gives him bad breath. If that's important to you, maybe don't brush your teeth tonight

That's a very good question.....
No he even stopped smoking weed and drinking alcohol during our time..... went back to study.
I don't get the thing with the teeth?

Thank you both for your support....

 

[SexyIncél]

I don't get the thing with the teeth?

Hehe, just joking. Brush your teeth! :)

Like, I was saying you didn't have bad breath & now he FINALLY has a gal who does... eh nvm

Yeah I dont get why he s so extremely angry at me! Ok, I m not the easoest person, either, but there s no reason to be so destructive and humuliating.

Who knows. Maybe he felt disrespected somehow. Drives guys apeshit

But anyway, we're here for you, not him

 

[Deleted member 8119]

If she gives him everything, then why's he on drugs? He wasn't on drugs with you. Maybe she just gives him bad breath. If that's important to you, maybe don't brush your teeth tonight

100% this. OP dodged a bullet even if she doesn't realize it now.

And OP, there is nothing wrong with you. Your ex sounds like a complete scumbag: he humillates women, gets addicted, and he is potentially aggressive. This man is no authority to shit on you.

 

[Meteora]

Who knows. Maybe he felt disrespected somehow. Drives guys apeshit

He did feel humiliated by me, yes. I tried my best not to make him feel this way, guess I didn't succeed. He often confused me with his mother or apparently I had traits like her, I never got to know her.

And OP, there is nothing wrong with you. Your ex sounds like a complete scumbag: he humillates women, gets addicted, and he is potentially aggressive. This man is no authority to shit on you.

Thank you....

 

[verrobasd]

I m so done.

Please don't be done because of him.

I know it can be really hard to let go and love is not always rational, but I'm pretty sure you can do a whole lot better than/without him.

 

[Meteora]

Please don't be done because of him.

I know it can be really hard to let go and love is not always rational, but I'm pretty sure you can do a whole lot better than/without him.

It's just that I never loved this way before and I never got loved more. Not even in my childhood. And I m absolutely done with life anyway. With or without him.

 

[The Schizoid]

If I were you I'd do your best to forget about him and focus on fixing your life.

This person is going to do nothing but drag you into oblivion, don't let that happen.

Go seek therapy from a professional and also council from wise people with similar experiences to teach you how to forget about this person and move on with your life.

Think about your quality of life. Don't let this person drain any more of your energy.

But its up to you. I hate seeing decent people dragged down by losers because of love and attraction, but it's up to you. I hate seeing nice people destroy themselves simply because of feelings towards a shitty person.

 

[Meteora]

But its up to you. I hate seeing decent people dragged down by losers because of love and attraction, but it's up to you. I hate seeing nice people destroy themselves simply because of feelings towards a shitty person

Yeah I know what you mean but first, therapists don't seem able to help me, I ve seen so many over the last decade and second, he wasnt always like that, he helped me extremely much through a very tough time, he was there, talking on the phone to me for hours, day by day, listening to my problems, the only reliable person..... and I m still beyond gratful because I don't think I would ve made it without him, really not.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Yeah I know what you mean but first, therapists don't seem able to help me, I ve seen so many over the last decade and second, he wasnt always like that, he helped me extremely much through a very tough time, he was there, talking on the phone to me for hours, day by day, listening to my problems, the only reliable person..... and I m still beyond gratful because I don't think I would ve made it without him, really not.

Sometimes people aren't always meant to be in our lives forever. It's great that he helped you in a time when you really needed him. It's difficult to let go when someone you cared for is suddenly gone.
I wish I could tell you how to get over him.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Breakups can be hard but no (love-)connections are certain to last "forever" sounds like you're also young. There might be so many better guys/girls out there that fit you. Life's not over bc of a break up - it hurts - no doubt but it's not the end of life.

 

[The Schizoid]

Yeah I know what you mean but first, therapists don't seem able to help me, I ve seen so many over the last decade and second, he wasnt always like that, he helped me extremely much through a very tough time, he was there, talking on the phone to me for hours, day by day, listening to my problems, the only reliable person..... and I m still beyond gratful because I don't think I would ve made it without him, really not.

Yeah but unfortunately with Narcissists is that they are amazing when you first meet them as it's a tactic they use to gain control over you. It's called love bombing. They do everything for you at the beginning and they may even believe they love you because they idealise you.

But after a while there's always a devaluation period. Narcissistic people want to control you. Idealisation happens because they are savouring the control they are about to have over you. But after you become stale and dry, or they start to lose control over you, they start the devaluation process.

Devaluation is a form of control also. This is why he started behaving badly towards you. This may include -

- Insulting you
- Talking down to you
- Telling everyone that you're the problem and they're the victim.
- Making you feel like shit in comparison to someone else.

The texts he's sending you telling you another girl is better than you is another form of devaluation.

If this girl is so great and you're so shit, why is he texting you? Because you, despite being his ex, are still a source of control and attention for him.

The texts are called "hoovering". Whenever he's not getting sufficient attention from others, he'll "hoover" people who used to be in his life as he needs a dose of control and attention quickly. He'll probably still have other ex-partners, if he has any, and also girls he probably cheated on you with, on his contact list for this reason.

I highly advise you attempt to go NO CONTACT with him for a period of time. Change your number and contact details so he cannot contact you. Why should you remain in contact with him if he's trashing you and telling you that other girls are better than you?

He's keeping you in his life as a way to devalue you as it gives him energy. It's how narcissists operate. He's devaluing you as a form of control.

Remaining in contact with him at this point is nothing more than giving him what he wants and harming you. If you are not willing to do this, then you will live as someone else's toy to be played with when it suits them and then discarded when you bore them.

Do the right thing for yourself and move on

 

[Meteora]

Sometimes people aren't always meant to be in our lives forever. It's great that he helped you in a time when you really needed him. It's difficult to let go when someone you cared for is suddenly gone.
I wish I could tell you how to get over him.

Thank you so much.... it's hard to understand that I have to let him go

Breakups can be hard but no (love-)connections are certain to last "forever" sounds like you're also young. There might be so many better guys/girls out there that fit you. Life's not over bc of a break up - it hurts - no doubt but it's not the end of life.

I m not young at all. But I wasn't able to love and letting others love me before due to big mental health issues. So it felt like a first love, yes.

Yeah but unfortunately with Narcissists is that they are amazing when you first meet them as it's a tactic they use to gain control over you. It's called love bombing. They do everything for you at the beginning and they may even believe they love you because they idealise you.

But after a while there's always a devaluation period. Narcissistic people want to control you. Idealisation happens because they are savouring the control they are about to have over you. But after you become stale and dry, or they start to lose control over you, they start the devaluation process.

Devaluation is a form of control also. This is why he started behaving badly towards you. This may include -

I agree, very well said. My ex-bf is not primarily narcissistic, though. He's primarily autistic. And he has narcissistic traits bc of his (sick) family. I had narcissistic traits, too, coming from a family with a very narcissistic mother, father and even my two brothers are like that now. I worked through it, or I m still trying to.

The texts are called "hoovering". Whenever he's not getting sufficient attention from others, he'll "hoover" people who used to be in his life as he needs a dose of control and attention quickly. He'll probably still have other ex-partners, if he has any, and also girls he probably cheated on you with, on his contact list for this reason.

I m very sure he did not cheat on me. He has different personalities, yes, but I do have that, too. His self-esteem is very low, actually, and he says that.
Being autistic he is a very complicated mix of extreme humbleness and narcissism. He does seem psychopathic in situations of exceptional distress.

I highly advise you attempt to go NO CONTACT with him for a period of time. Change your number and contact details so he cannot contact you. Why should you remain in contact with him if he's trashing you and telling you that other girls are better than you?

Hm, thanks..... I m still in touch because I also projected a lot of painful things on him, stemming from my difficult relationship with my so called "father". I hurt him a lot rejecting him, projecting a lot of negative stuff on him. Screaming at him and it was not his mistake.

Well I m not saying I want to go back to him. I m grateful for critical notes. But I m not indifferent what will happen to him.

He's keeping you in his life as a way to devalue you as it gives him energy. It's how narcissists operate. He's devaluing you as a form of control.

It s not him keeping me in his life. He wouldn't contact me anymore if I didnt.

 

[Meteora]

Guess I m naive and dumb, as always . I m very torn. I hope time will show and help me solve this and heal my feelings.

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

Hope you find the strength to come through this....bless you x

 

[Meteora]

Hope you find the strength to come through this....bless you x

Thank you

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

Thank you

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

Meteora......if ever you want to talk , you know where to find me.....i'm a good listener! x

 

[Meteora]

Meteora......if ever you want to talk , you know where to find me.....i'm a good listener! x

Thank you . Same goes for you!

 

[Linda]

I m in great emotional distress. My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. We were together 3,5 years, we broke up about three times during that period.

Tonight I texted him asking if he s still mad at me and if he s determined to break up for good.

His answer is a complete shock: he wrote that i shouldnt even try to reconnect, that he found a girl two weeks ago who gives him what I never did, that he s high on crystal.
That I fucked up our relationship.

That he will pay me back money and that I should send him his stuff


Two weeks ago he was still studying at the uni.....

My ex is an Asperger's autist. He had a very dark time when he was 15 to 18. He got addicted to crystal meth.

How on earth does he now end up taking drugs again after so many years of sobriety?????

I m so confused and crying and absolutely dont know what to do or answer.
I m so sad and angry that he replaces me..... after two weeks .
Of course she gives him everything I never could....
I m so done.

If you have already broken up 3 times (or is it 4 now?) this relationship isn't going anywhere. Send him his stuff, and move on. I know the breakdown of a relationship is painful, but the pain will diminish as time passes.

 

[Meteora]

Got a text. He took Crystal once, said that he does it once a year, even when we were together. The girl he met at a concert and they re together. So no drug pal. Cant believe he does this.... he lied, he even wrote he took cocaine last year.... im speechless.
How can I be so naive? It s not the first time I had a bf who lied to me about drugs.
I m broken, like in shock, cant even cry.
He was the one blaming me saying I d replace him in no time if we d break up......
Wouldnt be surprised hearing that he had an affair during our time .

 

[Meteora]

It tears me appaart. The pain is too much. I can hardly distract from it and also have no energy to do so. I take tranquillizers but still. I want my life to be over. If only I wasnt such a wuss. I m sorry to bother you here its just that I don't know what to do. Normally I should probably get drunk. But that always makes things much worse with me.

 

[Meteora]

Yeah maybe I dodged a bullet.
But it doesnt change the fact that he was there for me, he cared for me, he stood by my side, encouraged me, comforted me. I have never before experienced all that. Not as a child. Not later. Only through him. How should I not be devastated. The pain is beyond ludicrous. Don't think I ll get over it. If I had a life, friends, a meaning then maybe yes. But I have nothing.
I cant stop crying.

 

[SexyIncél]

Dunno what you think, but I imagine you should destroy him in your mind. And replace him with someone else. People in societies like ours under-value each other. So when someone actually values you, you thrive

Then he pulled it all away. Because it was partly a method of control. Like giving a thirsty person water

But you're better than this

 

[Meteora]

Dunno what you think, but I imagine you should destroy him in your mind. And replace him with someone else. People in societies like ours under-value each other. So when someone actually values you, you thrive

Then he pulled it all away. Because it was partly a method of control. Like giving a thirsty person water

But you're better than this

I cannot destroy him in my mind. How should I do this? I have no clue. I rather think that he gave me the final push to end my life.
I valued him the same but he doesn't see it.
I don't think he's that calculating. He's lost, too and a leave in the wind. And yes, he is more egoistic than I am eventhough he would hardly disagree. It's his Aspergers.

 

[Meteora]

Have you ever been trough a break-up that drove you out of your mind? @SexyIncél

 

[SexyIncél]

[Just in case anyone's curious, we're talking in PMs]

 

[Meteora]

He changed his profil picture. A picture with him and her, he's on the horse, she has the horse on the string.
Why does it feel like he does it on purpuse to hurt me? It was me introducing him to horses, he knows that I love them. How can he be like that? I m so devastated. It feels like a invitation to finally kill myself. If not now, then when?
Why does the person I loved more than anything treat me this way? Yeah probably because I deserve it. Because I m worthless. I try to prove to myself that I m not. But it always comes down to this, I m not enough.

I can't really describe how I feel. Just completely broken. I know with time it gets better. But it took me about 6 years to get over the boyfriend before him and I went through so much darkness, depression and lonliness. I cannot do this anymore. I's impossibel. I love too much and yet it is not enough.
I should do myself the favour and end it.