Help Text from ex-boyfriend

[RemainingDubious]

My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago.

he wrote that i shouldnt even try to reconnect, that he found a girl two weeks ago who gives him what I never did, that he s high on crystal.

What a coincidence. i personally think she was probably on the scene before he broke up with you.

People do what they want to do. You aren't to blame for his choices. You haven't physically made him take crystal meth. If this new girl is so perfect why does he feel the need to start using again?

It sounds like he's lying about her or using again. Either way it seems the reason for whatever lie is to emotionally hurt you.

He broke up with you. Until you contacted him he clearly didn't want you to be apart of his life. Why did he suddenly feel the need to tell you about the life he chose that he didn't want you to be a part of?

The fact he finds you so easily replaced says much more about him than it does about you.

This is going to be extremely difficult breakups suck. Ambiguous losses can actually hurt more than when death makes a loss absolute and permanent. Whenever you think about him try to remember he thinks he's found someone who makes him happier than you did. Try to be happy for him and forget him.

i know that is extremely difficult, it's so much easier said than done. i've personally found you can't run from pain. It will catch up with you eventually so i try to embrace it and learn all that i can from it.

i've found even after breaking up with a ex that was toxic it still hurt which i didn't understand since i wasn't happy with her. i knew she wasn't the person i thought she was, etc. Upon questioning the hurt i realised it was my pride that was hurt due to her proving that she didn't value me whatsoever when she found a replacement she felt was better suited.

After i realised my pride was hurting me i noticed when you hear breakup stories you hear someone talking about how their pride is making them feel. Especially when "the person who hurt them" isn't in their life.

Upon identifying pride was the issue. i wondered when pride hadn't been the issue and what is the cost of pride. Being able to see my own pride made it much easier to see it in others and helped me wanting to keep distant from it.

You learn what real love is without pride.

Would you want someone like your ex in your life that doesn't see any value in you? If you're so bad why string you along for so long? What does that really say about them? Does someone like that define you?

 

[Meteora]

Thank you so much for your answer.

He s an autist so things are a bit different with him. I never fully understood how.

It sounds like he's lying about her or using again. Either way it seems the reason for whatever lie is to emotionally hurt you.

She is real. He took crystal once,he said. Why does he want to hurt me if he s happy now????????????????? Why????

Why did he suddenly feel the need to tell you about the life he chose that he didn't want you to be a part of?

I don't know. Do you?

The fact he finds you so easily replaced says much more about him than it does about you.

maybe.... but that doesnt really help.

his is going to be extremely difficult breakups suck.

Yes. and I don't think I ll survive it. I have too many problems anyway.

Ambiguous losses can actually hurt more than when death makes a loss absolute and permanent.

I agree, 100%

Whenever you think about him try to remember he thinks he's found someone who makes him happier than you did. Try to be happy for him and forget him.

When I think of him it hurts. all the memories, the imtimacy, I won't get over it. I m too hurt from my childhood and I won't be able to trust again. I ve had too many relationships that didn't turn out well. I can simply not handle the pain anymore. It took me 45 years to let someone as close as him. I was very repellent to previous boyfriends, not because i did not love them but because I never experienced closeness as a child. I simply didnt know it.
Now I was finally ready and what happens is that i get replaced. My story keeps repeating itself endlessly. Maybe I get punished for the pain I caused previous boyfriends. But I didnt know how to trust, I still don't know what a healthy relationship could be.

know that is extremely difficult, it's so much easier said than done. i've personally found you can't run from pain. It will catch up with you eventually so i try to embrace it and learn all that i can from it.

Its true, its impossible to run from pain. As I wrote in my last post, it took me 6 years to get over the boyfriend before him. 6 years of pain, depression, lonliness, guilt. It is impossible I get through that again. I can't. I don't have the ressources.

i've found even after breaking up with a ex that was toxic it still hurt which i didn't understand since i wasn't happy with her. i knew she wasn't the person i thought she was, etc. Upon questioning the hurt i realised it was my pride that was hurt due to her proving that she didn't value me whatsoever when she found a replacement she felt was better suited.

I feel the same. It was not easy with us but I wanted to fight for this relationship. I was ready to to a lot. I always saw what we could become. We had a lot of dreams, many interests in common. I don't understand the thing with the pride really. I don't think it is my pride that is hurt. I might be wrong but I think what hurts is the soulmate I have that I lost.

You learn what real love is without pride.

I think we both loved without pride. Very authentically. That's probably the reason why I ll never get over this.

Would you want someone like your ex in your life that doesn't see any value in you? If you're so bad why string you along for so long? What does that really say about them? Does someone like that define you?

I m a completely lost soul, even long before I met him. Yes, I thought we could make it together, have something like a life together. He gave me a lot of strength in a difficult time.
I dont know what it says about him. Maybe that hes an autist, incapable if setting boundaries. And he might have psychopathic traits. Through him I regained some trust and hope for the future.
I had pretty much given up on life before I got to know him.

 

[RemainingDubious]

Thank you so much for your answer.

You don't need to thank me you're more than welcome.

He s an autist so things are a bit different with him. I never fully understood how.

i have a friend who says they're autistic and i personally don't understand. i can't see any way it makes them "different"

She is real. He took crystal once,he said. Why does he want to hurt me if he s happy now????????????????? Why????

How did he get to know how amazing she is in such a short amount of time?
Exactly. He's clearly being completely spiteful. Since actions speak much louder than words it suggests he isn't as happy as he pretends to be. Silly boys like to play silly games.

I don't know. Do you?

It seems it must be malicious.

maybe.... but that doesnt really help.

i've found it can help when kept in perspective, for example when i'd randomly think about them i'd ask myself why and what does it even make.
1. They clearly didn't care so why should i?
2. They clearly didn't want me in their life, so why would i want to be?
3. Would i have even invested so much time and energy in them if i knew how little my effort was?
4. They clearly think they're better off without me. Would i like it if someone was in the way of me having a better life?

Yes. and I don't think I ll survive it. I have too many problems anyway.

Nobody makes it out alive.

When I think of him it hurts. all the memories, the imtimacy, I won't get over it. I m too hurt from my childhood and I won't be able to trust again. I ve had too many relationships that didn't turn out well. I can simply not handle the pain anymore. It took me 45 years to let someone as close as him. I was very repellent to previous boyfriends, not because i did not love them but because I never experienced closeness as a child. I simply didnt know it.

Memories sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today Killing Loneliness - HIM

i completely understand that feeling and i'm sorry to hear you haven't had good experiences i don't mean to sound flippant but the harsh reality is he isn't in your life anymore. His choice has been made. Regardless of what you wanted, how you feel and what you think, the relationship is over. It's passed. It's your thoughts that are continuing to make you suffer.

Now I was finally ready and what happens is that i get replaced. My story keeps repeating itself endlessly. Maybe I get punished for the pain I caused previous boyfriends. But I didnt know how to trust, I still don't know what a healthy relationship could be.

Most people aren't in health relationships, most seem to hype up their relationshit or shituationship.

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." - Rumi

I feel the same. It was not easy with us but I wanted to fight for this relationship. I was ready to to a lot. I always saw what we could become. We had a lot of dreams, many interests in common. I don't understand the thing with the pride really. I don't think it is my pride that is hurt. I might be wrong but I think what hurts is the soulmate I have that I lost.

i don't mean to sound brutal, i have no idea how to explain this in a way that's less harsh. The thing that hurts people the most is pride. Self puts itself in selfishness. Self-ish. We all do it/have done it.

Most people will never even notice. It's extremely difficult to break the habit. For example "I wanted", "I was ready" and "I have."

That's the thing that often hurts people the most.

I think we both loved without pride. Very authentically. That's probably the reason why I ll never get over this.

Your thoughts are what's causing you the most harm there. Love doesn't magically disappear. Love is selfless. Love is about what you have to give, not what you receive. He couldn't have loved you his choices have shown what it is he really loves, himself and what strokes his ego.

I thought we could make it together, have something like a life together. He gave me a lot of strength in a difficult time.
I dont know what it says about him. Maybe that hes an autist, incapable if setting boundaries. Through him I regained some trust and hope for the future.

Again this is going to sound harsh since the bottom line is you thought wrong

This probably explains things much better than i can:

Emotional Accountability: We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings

Emotionally responsible is about taking accountability for your actions and reactions.

psychcentral.com

Again sorry for sounding so brutal. i hope you can find insight to take back the power over you that you've given to others that haven't appreciated it.

 

[Meteora]

How did he get to know how amazing she is in such a short amount of time?
Exactly. He's clearly being completely spiteful. Since actions speak much louder than words it suggests he isn't as happy as he pretends to be. Silly boys like to play silly games.

They re at the university together.....
Why wouldn't he be happy?
He didn't want me anymore so he threw me away.
If he at least would ve broken up before, but no, he replaced me. That's the toughest part.

i've found it can help when kept in perspective, for example when i'd randomly think about them i'd ask myself why and what does it even make.
1. They clearly didn't care so why should i?
2. They clearly didn't want me in their life, so why would i want to be?
3. Would i have even invested so much time and energy in them if i knew how little my effort was?
4. They clearly think they're better off without me. Would i like it if someone was in the way of me having a better life?

True feelings cannot be switched on and off. Too rational what you write.

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." - Rumi

sounds kinda romantic but my heart has been broken too many times. I dare to say, Rumi must be wrong.

i don't mean to sound brutal, i have no idea how to explain this in a way that's less harsh. The thing that hurts people the most is pride. Self puts itself in selfishness. Self-ish. We all do it/have done it.

Most people will never even notice. It's extremely difficult to break the habit. For example "I wanted", "I was ready" and "I have."

That's the thing that often hurts people the most.

Now I get it, I call it ego, not pride. People speak like that bc they have been hurt, I guess. It s a defense mechanism.
What if you melt together with the other person if you give up on this? What if you lose yourself completely?

Your thoughts are what's causing you the most harm there. Love doesn't magically disappear. Love is selfless. Love is about what you have to give, not what you receive. He couldn't have loved you his choices have shown what it is he really loves, himself and what strokes his ego.

Memories cause feelings cause thoughts. I m not gonna forcefully work against that.
Love is selfless.... well.... yes. in theory. But that happens rarely I guess. Its an ideology that almost doesnt exist, does it?
At least not among adults.

Again this is going to sound harsh since the bottom line is you thought wrong

This probably explains things much better than i can:

Emotional Accountability: We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings

Emotionally responsible is about taking accountability for your actions and reactions.

psychcentral.com

Again sorry for sounding so brutal. i hope you can find insight to take back the power over you that you've given to others that haven't appreciated it.

You know, I told him a million times he should stop projecting. It made him furious.
These projections happen all day long with us humans, its so horrible.
Are you aware of your projections?
I guess, I was more mature than him, more reflected. He was more emotionally strong.

 

[RemainingDubious]

They re at the university together.....
Why wouldn't he be happy?
He didn't want me anymore so he threw me away.
If he at least would ve broken up before, but no, he replaced me. That's the toughest part.

That doesn't really excuse him paying more attention to some other woman while in a relationship. When i was at university together with a number of different people. i didn't put myself in situations to get to know them properly.

True feelings cannot be switched on and off.

That's completely true. There is ways to distract you from feeling them as intensely. There's also ways to challenge thoughts to prevent feelings. It isn't easy though.

sounds kinda romantic but my heart has been broken too many times. I dare to say, Rumi must be wrong.

i personally found him to be right. my heart shattered into countless pieces. i have no intention of ever repairing it either, yet i'm able to love more than ever in fact i have nothing but love for those in my life.

Now I get it, I call it ego, not pride. People speak like that bc they have been hurt, I guess. It s a defense mechanism.
What if you melt together with the other person if you give up on this? What if you lose yourself completely?

Most people don't like pain (physical or mental) we try to avoid it as much as possible which is we often end up playing the blame game. It's really difficult to not end up playing it as we haven't known better. Even leaders are so quick to be caught up in it. Nothing ever changes or will ever change until someone decides to take ownership.

That what if is currently my reality i Have lost myself. i gave my partner my all. When she died so did i.

Memories cause feelings cause thoughts. I m not gonna forcefully work against that.
Love is selfless.... well.... yes. in theory. But that happens rarely I guess. Its an ideology that almost doesnt exist, does it?
At least not among adults.

Thoughts manifest as feelings. Most people don't realise how powerful thoughts can be if left to manifest.

i personally don't see it much. especially in romantic relationships. That's likely because most haven't known it either. How can you do better without knowing better?

Obviously there are terrible mothers out there, probably since they don't know better either. i've found in general the way a mother loves her child/children is probably the closest example of real love.

You know, I told him a million times he should stop projecting. It made him furious.
These projections happen all day long with us humans, it's so horrible.

That's completely true. They're difficult to notice too. A person has to want to understand and be willing to look in order to recognise them. Due to being prideful most don't like learning they're wrong.

Are you aware of your projections?
I guess, I was more mature than him, more reflected. He was more emotionally strong.

To be completely honest probably not, i'll probably need them to be pointed out. i seem to be one of the few people who actually like being wrong since it gives me something to learn worth learning.

He doesn't sound emotionally strong. Love conquers all, love can literally bring life. i've wanted to self destruct since a young age the only real time i've felt alive and even wanted to live was after discovering true love, which was absent of pride (mine at least)

For him to sudden fall out of "love" and suddenly find a "better" love elsewhere suggests he can't be honest with his real emotions which seems rather weak.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I'm sure she will just love taking over the duties of letting him bum money off her for his drug habit. Sounds like to me that you dodged a bullet.

 

[Worndown]

Well, if he ever says it is him and not you, he is telling the truth. You can overcome this. Not that optimistic about his chsnces.

 

[Raindancer]

I am so sorry you are going through this and that he is treating you this way. I had a similar experience. Right now it is raw and fresh and unfortunately there is nothing to do but go through these awful feelings. You can distract yourself with alcohol or something, but then you will back to still needing to go through the feelings. Hopefully if you do, over time it will get better faster. My ex was having an affair so as we went through all the break up stuff, he had her by his side while I had to go through it alone. I was so resentful at the time, but it helped me to know I am stronger than I think.

You do not deserve any of this and you are not worthless. This is about him. How he is treating you through a breakup shows more about him than you. Engage in as much self care as you can. Do whatever you need to do as you work through this. The healthier the ways the better.

I did not get any good answers why it happened the way it did. My ex definitely had narcissistic tendencies and for me it was better to have as limited contact as possible. He would play mind games with me and I was not going to participate. So I would second the idea to try and avoid him.

I know the pain you are going through. You can barely breathe, can't sleep or eat, don't know what to do with yourself. For me when it got too overwhelming I would go on walks. It doesn't seem like it now, but the worst will pass. Take care of you!

 

[Meteora]

That doesn't really excuse him paying more attention to some other woman while in a relationship. When i was at university together with a number of different people. i didn't put myself in situations to get to know them properly.

He broke up in December 2022 in a very bad and cruel way. We got together again in March 2023. We had a long distance relationship. It was clear to me, we have to finally live together in order to work on the realationship, have an everyday life. It is very common that there are huge misunderstandings with Aspergers and neurotypical people. I had a goal, living together and going to counseling together, he also wanted it.
Yes its true, nothing, really nothing justifies what he did. Why on earth did he not break up like a normal human being? Like fairly?

i personally found him to be right. my heart shattered into countless pieces. i have no intention of ever repairing it either, yet i'm able to love more than ever in fact i have nothing but love for those in my life.

Hm and can you love yourself also? Isnt self love the key to "real" love? I like Rumi a lot, though.

That's completely true. There is ways to distract you from feeling them as intensely. There's also ways to challenge thoughts to prevent feelings. It isn't easy though.

And may I ask how that works?

that what if is currently my reality i Have lost myself. i gave my partner my all. When she died so did i.

I m so sorry .... did she die recently?

Thoughts manifest as feelings. Most people don't realise how powerful thoughts can be if left to manifest.

i personally don't see it much. especially in romantic relationships. That's likely because most haven't known it either. How can you do better without knowing better?

Obviously there are terrible mothers out there, probably since they don't know better either. i've found in general the way a mother loves her child/children is probably the closest example of real love.

Yes it s this way around, thoughts cause feelings. But at the moment it feels like I have a memory, get sad and then the thoughts come like "you re not worthy of love"etc.

Its so very true! How can you truly love if you have never been really loved? That's a big problem for myself, I try to love well but obviously, I fail. I know nothing about a healthy relationship from my childhood. I had to learn things as an adult.

that is my biggest wound. My mother who never loved me. Never. And still doesnt. She is not able but that is no excuse. Nobody told her to have children. Instead she lies and betrays and maniupulates. I never experienced unconditional love. Today she'd be diagnosed as a narcissistic personality, for sure. At the time nobody cared.

That's completely true. They're difficult to notice too. A person has to want to understand and be willing to look in order to recognise them. Due to being prideful most don't like learning they're wrong.

Yes, think so too.

He doesn't sound emotionally strong. Love conquers all, love can literally bring life. i've wanted to self destruct since a young age the only real time i've felt alive and even wanted to live was after discovering true love, which was absent of pride (mine at least)

He had anger and hate towards the ones that harmed him as a child and teenager. I didnt even feel anger. What I feel is that I want to die. Anger was never really allowed in my life. Thats why I m the perfect victim to be used and abused. As a child, as a teenager, as a young adult.... and now still.

For him to sudden fall out of "love" and suddenly find a "better" love elsewhere suggests he can't be honest with his real emotions which seems rather weak.

We had struggles and fights. As I said, we couldnt live in the same city, he always said he d come to my town but never really came, guess it was all excuses because he was to anxious to leave his country (which I understood and didnt want to pressure him).
Yes that is true..... it is extremely weak. or lets say devastating how shallow our "love" was for him

___________________________________________

My ex was having an affair so as we went through all the break up stuff, he had her by his side while I had to go through it alone. I was so resentful at the time, but it helped me to know I am stronger than I think.

I m sorry you had to go through a similar thing.

You do not deserve any of this and you are not worthless. This is about him. How he is treating you through a breakup shows more about him than you. Engage in as much self care as you can. Do whatever you need to do as you work through this. The healthier the ways the better.

Thank you for reminding me..... I just so shocked why I got into this.... AGAIN. It was not the first narcissistic, psychopathic boyfriend I had. I cannot do it anymore, this life. I cannot look in the mirror anymore. I never learned to take myself seriously.

I did not get any good answers why it happened the way it did. My ex definitely had narcissistic tendencies and for me it was better to have as limited contact as possible. He would play mind games with me and I was not going to participate. So I would second the idea to try and avoid him.

Yeah mind games. I think my ex realised that I see through them and therefore started lying.

I know the pain you are going through. You can barely breathe, can't sleep or eat, don't know what to do with yourself.

That's right. And I cry, nonstop. I got used and abused again. guess that is what I was born for.

________________________________________

I still have his dearly beloved old leather jacket here. He' d go to the moon and back for it.

Wanted to send it to him but there was a problem with the return adress. (wanted to send it from another country).

Now I m honestly thinking I should cut it into pieces and burn it. As a ritual to get rid of all the injustice.

 

[Meteora]

What helped me through the weekend were tranquillizers. I can decide not to think about him when I take them, respectively push the thoughts away. I m scared what will happen once I don't take them anymore (tomorrow).

@RemainingDubious how is it possible to accept the pain and live trough it and at the same time control the thoughts. I cannot do it, I guess. I wished I could, though.

I still have questions, about the pride thing. I don't understand it fully.
Emotional pain in this situation is "normal", I guess.
Is pride and ego two seperate things?

_________________________________________________

Why does our brain replay every possible situation after a break-up that you didn't even think of anymore before? Why do we idealise things???

 

[Emi]

Did you cheat on him??
You mentioned him saying you ruined the relationship, how so? If you cheated then I have no remorse, just gotta see this as a consequence of your actions. But if you didn't cheat and there's more that is unsaid, maybe too personal then all you can do is cry it out, move on and analyze your next partner in a better light. Relationships are harder than being single as there is so much more to do when you are in a relationship. Me personally, if I ever end up single, that'll be it for me.. single for life. There's only so much one can take. Just think of it this way, life is too short to be grieving over a temporary. All depends on your outlook and perspective. ♡

 

[RemainingDubious]

He broke up in December 2022 in a very bad and cruel way.

i personally don't think it's possible to be cruel to some you genuinely love. Wanting to make to make someone suffer isn't loving at all.

We got together again in March 2023. We had a long distance relationship.

Could he be too cowardly to go the distance? Lots of people talk the talk. When it comes time to walk the walk, it's often a completely different story.

It was clear to me, we have to finally live together in order to work on the realationship, have an everyday life. It is very common that there are huge misunderstandings with Aspergers and neurotypical people. I had a goal, living together and going to counseling together, he also wanted it.

Could he have been mollifying you? "men" are often the biggest attention whores. He might have been genuine at first then when he got what he wanted decided it wasn't actually what he wanted. Unfortunately a lot of people seem to end up being a safety net for a selfish person.

Yes its true, nothing, really nothing justifies what he did. Why on earth did he not break up like a normal human being? Like fairly?

Guilt? Maybe he wants you to hate, him so he can feel better about himself so that he can move on.

Hm and can you love yourself also? Isnt self love the key to "real" love? I like Rumi a lot, though.

i don't love myself. There's characteristics i have that i like and wish more people had, but i don't love myself at all. Since i don't consider myself much i'm able to love others more since they're more of a priority. i put them first even when it's detrimental to me.

And may I ask how that works?

When i can't focus on something else i try to keep things in perspective. This is going to sound awful: His time on earth is finite like everyone else's. Who are we to say he's wrong? Why shouldn't he take advantage of a situation that makes him happy? What makes you so special that you deserve someone to sacrifice their finite time for you, especially if they're unhappy?

What do you know about your great great great great grandmother and grandfather? They would have had their own thoughts and feelings. Who cares what they were feeling? Is anyone going to care how you felt today in a centuries?

Realistically nobody will care so why give your thoughts and feelings so much weight when in the bigger picture they're likely don't matter?

I m so sorry .... did she die recently?

One year and 27 days ago. She was only 6 days younger than me. 36. it was unexpected too.

Yes it s this way around, thoughts cause feelings. But at the moment it feels like I have a memory, get sad and then the thoughts come like "you re not worthy of love"etc.

There's a possibility nobody is "worthy of love" being loved doesn't define someone. Yeah it's nice. It can bring out the best in people but it isn't absolutely necessary.

Its so very true! How can you truly love if you have never been really loved? That's a big problem for myself, I try to love well but obviously, I fail. I know nothing about a healthy relationship from my childhood. I had to learn things as an adult.

that is my biggest wound. My mother who never loved me. Never. And still doesnt. She is not able but that is no excuse. Nobody told her to have children. Instead she lies and betrays and maniupulates. I never experienced unconditional love. Today she'd be diagnosed as a narcissistic personality, for sure. At the time nobody cared.

i'm sorry to hear that you haven't experienced unconditional love and the relationship with your mother wasn't pleasant.

i personally found the more you love the more lovable you become to others. Did you really fail? Others might have failed to understand you and failed to see how much effort you put in. Others may have been selfish and expected more than you had, etc.

He had anger and hate towards the ones that harmed him as a child and teenager. I didnt even feel anger. What I feel is that I want to die. Anger was never really allowed in my life.

There seems to be two types of people those who remain bitter and those who become better. When people don't control their emotions their emotions end up controlling them. You extremely wise not to allow anger in your life. Those he hates will forever have power over him. If they were to die right now he'll still remain angry at them long after there is no them.

We could absolutely hate the sun with all our heart. It won't affect the sun whatsoever. The sun will still shine. The sun will still rise again tomorrow. Hate is rather dumb and usually just hurts the one hating more than the people they hate.

Thats why I m the perfect victim to be used and abused. As a child, as a teenager, as a young adult.... and now still.

i'm sorry to hear you've had so much abuse and abusers have made you want to die. i hope you never allow anyone to abuse you again.

We had struggles and fights. As I said, we couldnt live in the same city, he always said he d come to my town but never really came, guess it was all excuses because he was to anxious to leave his country (which I understood and didnt want to pressure him).
Yes that is true..... it is extremely weak. or lets say devastating how shallow our "love" was for him

It sounds like he was full of excuses. People do what they want to do. He may of wanted to be with you at one point but when it came to overcoming the distance
changed his mind since it wasn't practical. It sounds like he wanted to be loved without having to love.

 

[Meteora]

You mentioned him saying you ruined the relationship, how so? If you cheated then I have no remorse, just gotta see this as a consequence of your actions.

No, I didn't cheat on him. Well, he blamed me for all kind of things, I just wasnt the way he imagined or wanted me to be towards the end, I guess. He said I was too egoistic for example. I really worked on myself but it is tough in a long distance relationship. I felt I support him, listen to him... didn't know what else to do on the phone.

What really caused big problems, he saw his mother in me. He said it many times. He projected the feelings of inferiority comming from his mother on me. I told him many times, I m not your mother. I might have traits, ok. He even started a psychotherapy "for us" but broke up a few months ago and used the money for inssurance as he said (or maybe for drugs).

I m not sure if being single is easier. I think both has its disatvantages and advantages.

 

[RemainingDubious]

What helped me through the weekend were tranquillizers. I can decide not to think about him when I take them, respectively push the thoughts away. I m scared what will happen once I don't take them anymore (tomorrow).

Fear = False evidence appearing real. tomorrow isn't here yet. What good does being scared actually do? Anything could happen between now and then.

how is it possible to accept the pain and live trough it and at the same time control the thoughts. I cannot do it, I guess. I wished I could, though.

i personally wouldn't say i "live" i exist and have thoughts that hurt whenever my mind is left to think. What thoughts are you struggling with the most?

I still have questions, about the pride thing. I don't understand it fully.
Emotional pain in this situation is "normal", I guess.
Is pride and ego two seperate things?

Emotional pain is absolutely normal. i think pretty much everyone experiences that. Emotional pain is also completely personal. It only exists in our mind.

Apparently ego and pride are different. i don't understand how though since the goal and outcome is the same.

Why does our brain replay every possible situation after a break-up that you didn't even think of anymore before? Why do we idealise things???

i honestly don't know the answer to that. i assume since there might be lessons to learn? When did we stop thinking about previous relationships? When did we stop feeling anything towards our ex's? Once upon a time we never thought we would feel like we did back then forever.

 

[Meteora]

@RemainingDubious gonna answer tomorrow. I cant concentrate anymore. Good night.

 

[RemainingDubious]

@RemainingDubious gonna answer tomorrow. I cant concentrate anymore. Good night.

Sweet dreams

 

[Meteora]

I can't sleep. My head is spinning and aching. My ex is a psychopath, nothing less. He once helped a guy throw the corpse of a person this guy killed into the river. The killed person was a tourist and searched for in the whole country and my ex new what had happened bc he helped.
Yeah you re all gonna say that I m stupid to be with such a person and I guess you are right.

He' s a chronic liar. I don't know anymore what was played and what was real.
In December 2022 I went to his country and I was supposed to stay there til end of January 2023.
In mid December he broke up with me out of the blue. He sent me home, I didn't even have a appartment at the time.
He manipulated me so so much..... and I loved him and thought that I m forgiving.
I was so devastated, it was December, I was far away from home and he had just broken up with me.... sent me to nowehere, I have no family to celebrate christmas with, either. I wanted to attempt suicide and realised he had taken away all my medication. I screamed at him to give me my meds, he kept saying depreciating thing to me., like "you fucking bitch are not gonna kill yourself to cause me problems". At one point I snaped and pulled his hair, screamed at him and pushed him.
He then came on me and attempted to choke me. He would ve done me a favour to kill me but he was more concerned about his safety, he didnt want to go to prison bc of me. When he brougth me to the airport (he insisted that I should go "home"), he hugged me and said he ll never forget me etc... we both cried. He must be a complete psychopath and i got manipulated from a to z. I will never get over this. Too much happend. It's not the first abuisive relationship, either. Had similar ones before.

There would be many more things to tell that were almost traumatising. You can laugh at me or pity me. That's my life and that is why I m gonna end it.

I don't know why I don't deserve real love. Not as a child, not now.


BTW. why are you here in this forum @RemainingDubious ?

 

[RemainingDubious]

I can't sleep. My head is spinning and aching. My ex is a psychopath, nothing less. He once helped a guy throw the corpse of a person this guy killed into the river. The killed person was a tourist and searched for in the whole country and my ex new what had happened bc he helped.
Yeah you re all gonna say that I m stupid to be with such a person and I guess you are right.

He' s a chronic liar. I don't know anymore what was played and what was real.
In December 2022 I went to his country and I was supposed to stay there til end of January 2023.
In mid December he broke up with me out of the blue. He sent me home, I didn't even have a appartment at the time.
He manipulated me so so much..... and I loved him and thought that I m forgiving.
I was so devastated, it was December, I was far away from home and he had just broken up with me.... sent me to nowehere, I have no family to celebrate christmas with, either. I wanted to attempt suicide and realised he had taken away all my medication. I screamed at him to give me my meds, he kept saying depreciating thing to me., like "you fucking bitch are not gonna kill yourself to cause me problems". At one point I snaped and pulled his hair, screamed at him and pushed him.
He then came on me and attempted to choke me. He would ve done me a favour to kill me but he was more concerned about his safety, he didnt want to go to prison bc of me. When he brougth me to the airport (he insisted that I should go "home"), he hugged me and said he ll never forget me etc... we both cried. He must be a complete psychopath and i got manipulated from a to z. I will never get over this. Too much happend.

There would be many more things to tell that were almost traumatising. You can laugh at me or pity me. That's my life and that is why I m gonna end it.

I don't know why I don't deserve real love. Not as a child, not now.

Is there a possibility he was lying? i could say i have a body in my basement. i don't, i don't even have a basement but the point is you'd never know for certain.

Could he have been testing if you were gullible and if you would love him unconditionally?

Either way he sounds horrible. Just because you haven't had something it doesn't mean you never will.

You're 100% right it is your life and entirely upto you what you do with it. i personally don't think throwing it away for someone you know as a "psychopath" is worth it. By the sound of it he'd get a sick kick out of it too. That's just my personal opinion.

 

[Meteora]

Is there a possibility he was lying? i could say i have a body in my basement. i don't, i don't even have a basement but the point is you'd never know for certain.

Could he have been testing if you were gullible and if you would love him unconditionally?

Either way he sounds horrible. Just because you haven't had something it doesn't mean you never will.

You're 100% right it is your life and entirely upto you what you do with it. i personally don't think throwing it away for someone you know as a "psychopath" is worth it. By the sound of it he'd get a sick kick out of it too. That's just my personal opinion.

No he wasnt lying. It was true I think. But at the moment I doubt everything. He was under the influence of crystal meth. But it really happend I think. I found news articles about that missing man. My ex's collegue killed him for money!

No I don't think he d get a kick. He d feel guilty he once said. Yeah, just a psychopath or sociopath whatever but I never felt a deeper connection to anybody in my whole life, including my so-called "parents". I often think that I should not fight against reality. I have a strong suicidal side and I'm always trying to work against it. There's not much more exhausting things, I guess. I have to accept that no matter how much I fight, I m not meant to live a good, easy, happy life.

Why are you on this plattform,anyway? @RemainingDubious

Could he be too cowardly to go the distance? Lots of people talk the talk. When it comes time to walk the walk, it's often a completely different story.

Yes probably.. I was so so dumb. so naive.

i personally don't think it's possible to be cruel to some you genuinely love. Wanting to make to make someone suffer isn't loving at all.

If you were "raised" in a very neglecting and cruel way then yes. It is possible. I know it from myself.

Could he be too cowardly to go the distance? Lots of people talk the talk. When it comes time to walk the walk, it's often a completely different story.

Yes that could be. He was definitly like that.

Could he have been mollifying you? "men" are often the biggest attention whores. He might have been genuine at first then when he got what he wanted decided it wasn't actually what he wanted.

Exactely.

Guilt? Maybe he wants you to hate, him so he can feel better about himself so that he can move on.

Maybe yes.

i don't love myself. There's characteristics i have that i like and wish more people had, but i don't love myself at all. Since i don't consider myself much i'm able to love others more since they're more of a priority. i put them first even when it's detrimental to me.

Hm. But.... I dont know but self-acceptance is important I guess. what do i know. I m just talking about theories.

Why shouldn't he take advantage of a situation that makes him happy? What makes you so special that you deserve someone to sacrifice their finite time for you, especially if they're unhappy?

Because fairness is important. Because he could ve broken up before but he was to weak and used me. This is maybe only painful because as a child I was nothing but used. No ture love, affection, interest, my ex says my mother is a sociopath. Well he must know it and yes, growing up with such a mother.... well you re dumb to think anyone would ever understand you (except the ones that went through the same) and your stupid to think you ll be fit for life.

Realistically nobody will care so why give your thoughts and feelings so much weight when in the bigger picture they're likely don't matter?

I think you have a self and therefore can abstract these things. That's great and I wished I could do it, too. Because you re right.

One year and 27 days ago. She was only 6 days younger than me. 36. it was unexpected too.

How did she die?

There's a possibility nobody is "worthy of love" being loved doesn't define someone. Yeah it's nice. It can bring out the best in people but it isn't absolutely necessary

That's too abstract for me. As long as I live I can have feelings. I m not enlightened.

 

[RemainingDubious]

No he wasnt lying. It was true I think. But at the moment I doubt everything. He was under the influence of crystal meth. But it really happend I think. I found news articles about that missing man. My ex's collegue killed him for money!

This busker:
could actually know where she is, we assume it was a joke. There's been times i've been in a psychiatric hospital and a patient has come over and introduced themselves as Jesus and genuinely seemed to believe they were. They were completely different people, years apart, completely different locations and completely different ethnicities. At least one of them were 100% lying.

This is completely unrelated to your life imagine if Jesus did come back. i Imagine he'd likely be sectioned. He could be trapped in a psychiatric hospital somewhere.

No I don't think he d get a kick. He d feel guilty he once said.

Actions speak louder than words. He's words have show he hasn't been honest with you about his feelings. If he can lie about love what else could he of lied about?

I never felt a deeper connection to anybody in my whole life

How much of that is absolutely true? Did you truly have a connection with him, the real him, or was that connection with the idea of who he claimed to be? If you'd of know how heartless he was, would you give him the time of day?

iI often think that I should not fight against reality. I have a strong suicidal side and I'm always trying to work against it. There's not much more exhausting things, I guess. I have to accept that no matter how much I fight, I m not meant to live a good, easy, happy life.

i know that feeling to well although i don't try to work against it.

Why are you on this plattform,anyway?

For information that will 100% lead to my demise. i wouldn't mind information on how to put people at peace about my choice too.

Yes probably.. I was so so dumb. so naive.

Only since it was with the wrong person. A real man would see your trust as a positive thing and love the fact you put so much into the relationship.

If you were "raised" in a very neglecting and cruel way then yes. It is possible. I know it from myself.

i honestly don't understand. Maybe i see it wrong since i haven't experienced the same as you.

Yes that could be. He was definitly like that.

Exactely.

Maybe yes.

He doesn't sound very pleasant. It sounds like you're much better off without him.

 

[Meteora]

How will I ever get over this humiliation, this pain and betrayal? Is it even possible?

I was 15 when I first wanted to die. The reason was my first boyfriend, he first pushed me to have sex with him, I wasnt ready but he blackmailed me saying he d leave me if i dont do it. So i did. some months after he dropped me, he did not even break up, he just went with another girl.

That was the first time I wanted to kill myself, harmed myself with the knife and destroyed my wardrobe.

I was sexually assaulted by my "father".

Ever since that experience with the "first love" I sweared to myself: I ll go before he can drop me. It was uncouncious and it took me many years to realise this belief system. It worked until this time. I wanted to trust. Control is so exhausting.

I don't know how I should work through all that pain. How I can get over the pain that I was nothing but a sexual object, worthless, good enough to be used and thrown away from an early age on?

My "mother" saw what my "father" did, she tolereated it. She was jealous at me, I felt, because she wanted the "attention" of my "father".
I never got any attention than for my sexuality as a child or teenager, my personality, my feelings never mattered.

My second "boyfriend" was muslim and told me what to wear, who to great with kisses and who not, he was controlling. He punished me with breaking up for some weeks if I did not do what he wanted. I was only 17. He raped me, several times.
I was his possession and since I never knew anything else I thought it is normal. I got pregnant from him. Had an abortion that was quite traumatizing, nobody stood by my side.

I don't know how to get over this.

I don't seem to deserve love. Or maybe I m not good enough to give love, although I try very hard.
The love I had for my "mother" was not good enough, either. I was a child and didn't want anything more than her loving me the way she loved my brothers. But my mistake was, I was a girl. I helped her a lot in the house and garden while my brothers told me I m a bumlicker, I listened to her problems and justifications from an early age on but I was not enough. She replaced me with other people that helped her more or better (for example the teen girlfiends of my brothers who were more exciting and interesting for her).

I want to hurt my ex. He was so calculating. He abused me. I want him to suffer. He knew all the above written. I trusted him.

 

[RemainingDubious]

How will I ever get over this humiliation, this pain and betrayal? Is it even possible?

i don't want to give you false hopes and tell you what you'd like to hear since it wouldn't be fair. Realistically it will likely linger whenever you think back. It is what it is regardless of how you feel. Facts don't care about feelings. It could be helpful to question if there's anything worth looking back for? Especially when you noticed you're thinking about it

I was 15 when I first wanted to die. The reason was my first boyfriend, he first pushed me to have sex with him, I wasnt ready but he blackmailed me saying he d leave me if i dont do it. So i did. some months after he dropped me, he did not even break up, he just went with another girl.

i'm sorry to hear that too, It's completely messed up how disgusting boys can be. It completely baffles me how most seem to get older but fail to grow up too. Even when they have daughters. They wouldn't hesitate to harm their partner if they slept with someone else. They'd soon be enraged if another male treated their daughter and/or female relatives, the same way they have treated women. They often don't even seem to notice their hypocrisy

That was the first time I wanted to kill myself, harmed myself with the knife and destroyed my wardrobe.

I was sexually assaulted by my "father".

i honestly don't even know what to say. i can't even begin to imagine how awful that must of been for you.

Ever since that experience with the "first love" I sweared to myself: I ll go before he can drop me. It was uncouncious and it took me many years to realise this belief system. It worked until this time. I wanted to trust. Control is so exhausting.

I don't know how I should work through all that pain. How I can get over the pain that I was nothing but a sexual object, worthless, good enough to be used and thrown away from an early age on?

My "mother" saw what my "father" did, she tolereated it. She was jealous at me, I felt, because she wanted the "attention" of my "father".
I never got any attention than for my sexuality as a child or teenager, my personality, my feelings never mattered.

My second "boyfriend" was muslim and told me what to wear, who to great with kisses and who not, he was controlling. He punished me with breaking up for some weeks if I did not do what he wanted. I was only 17. He raped me, several times.
I was his possession and since I never knew anything else I thought it is normal. I got pregnant from him. Had an abortion that was quite traumatizing, nobody stood by my side.

I don't know how to get over this.

I don't seem to deserve love. Or maybe I m not good enough to give love, although I try very hard.
The love I had for my "mother" was not good enough, either. I was a child and didn't want anything more than her loving me the way she loved my brothers. But my mistake was, I was a girl. I helped her a lot in the house and garden while my brothers told me I m a bumlicker, I listened to her problems and justifications from an early age on but I was not enough. She replaced me with other people that helped her more or better (for example the teen girlfiends of my brothers who were more exciting and interesting for her).

I want to hurt my ex. He was so calculating. He abused me. I want him to suffer. He knew all the above written. I trusted him.

i assume you've exhausted the type of organisations that specifically deal in this type of trauma and found nothing that helps? i don't know where your based and what services are accessible to you. In the uk are are some that sound like they may be helpful.



"with almost 9 million visits to their website just this year." That is vile how widespread that type of abuse must be.

Ones that offer counselling via phone or online could be helpful. i don't know how you'd feel about things like drama and art sessions? It could potentially be helpful, even if you don't want to talk. Being able to see others who have been through similar experiences might help you knowing that you aren't alone.

In the meantime (it literally sounds like it actually is a mean time for you ) the only thing i can suggest is trying to take the power away from them.

They don't have any right over you and never have. They don't get to define you. They get no right to diminish your worth. Deep down they knew it too, which is why they likely used blackmail and force. Try not to allow them and their abuse in your life presently and try to prevent them having any power over your future.

You define you.

Honestly it doesn't sound like your ex is even worthy of your time. he isn't worth the energy. At the end of the day it's his loss. he might be fooling himself pretending he's happy but will someone love him as much as you? Will they accept what he said he's done, etc?
You can hold your head high and know you tried your best and you're better than he'll ever be.

 

[tbroken]

IMO he is an insecure and during your relationship, he thought you were interested in other men, or at least he didn't fully trust you, due to his own insecurities. Relationships nowadays are insane, just watch the crime news on youtube and you wont feel guilty at all.
Don't feel sad about it.

 

[Meteora]

'm sorry to hear that too, It's completely messed up how disgusting boys can be. It completely baffles me how most seem to get older but fail to grow up too. Even when they have daughters. They wouldn't hesitate to harm their partner if they slept with someone else. They'd soon be enraged if another male treated their daughter and/or female relatives, the same way they have treated women. They often don't even seem to notice their hypocrisy

indeed..... it's utterly sick.... One big reason to ctb.

i honestly don't even know what to say. i can't even begin to imagine how awful that must of been for you.

..... yeah... it destroys so much.... it is almost impossible to live after such experiences. And still i m tying....

i assume you've exhausted the type of organisations that specifically deal in this type of trauma and found nothing that helps? i don't know where your based and what services are accessible to you. In the uk are are some that sound like they may be helpful.

The thing is, 15 years ago I trusted a psychiatrist (female) and she down played the problem telling me that it could ve been worse because I didn't get raped. Well.... yes it can always be worse but there s nothing worse for a girl than being assaulted by the "father". Really NOTHING. That is what people don't understand. I wished the perpetrator had been a teacher or some random person, honestly. The damage done one a emotional and especially bonding/relationship level is unimaginable if the father does something like that. Even being assaulted by a sibling /brother is better in terms of trust/relationship. The father is an authority, someone you love unconditionally.

Ever since the experience with that therapist I haven't spoken about it. I m silent now so nobody can humiliate me. I mean how sick is this, even when it comes to sexual abuse in the familiy you have to prove that it was grievous?

God i need a break. Only thinking of how I got treated by "professionals" makes me wanna kill myself immediately.

 

[Meteora]

It could be helpful to question if there's anything worth looking back for? Especially when you noticed you're thinking about it

There war a lot of good things. So much actually. That makes it even more difficult to understand. Guess I should just be gratful for the good things we shared....

Ones that offer counselling via phone or online could be helpful. i don't know how you'd feel about things like drama and art sessions? It could potentially be helpful, even if you don't want to talk. Being able to see others who have been through similar experiences might help you knowing that you aren't alone.

I have a really hard time trusting in general but specificly trusting mental health professionals because I ve been through so much shit with them. I m in Switzerland and yes, I feel I have tried pretty everything, I guess. I m so exhausted to fight for a minimum of help, to beg them for support. The difficulty is also that I have a combination of trauma, like bonding trauma and then sexual trauma. Hard to explain but I always felt I cannot work on both simoultaneously. Don't know if that makes sense, it is really complex, unfortunately.

Drama and art session sounds interesting.....you mean in a therapeutic way? The question is always who pays for it and where to find a good place.

with almost 9 million visits to their website just this year." That is vile how widespread that type of abuse must be.

Yes.... it's incredible and yet men complain that women treat them badly...........

the only thing i can suggest is trying to take the power away from them.

Take the power away from whom?

They don't have any right over you and never have. They don't get to define you. They get no right to diminish your worth. Deep down they knew it too, which is why they likely used blackmail and force. Try not to allow them and their abuse in your life presently and try to prevent them having any power over your future.

I ll try..... An sexually abused woman is always inferior to a woman that has not been abused. guess i have to accept that.

You define you.

I have such a mess in my brain, i m so shattered, I m not really able to define myself. People use me and manipulate me. I can seem strong, apparently. But that s not how I feel.

Honestly it doesn't sound like your ex is even worthy of your time. he isn't worth the energy. At the end of the day it's his loss. he might be fooling himself pretending he's happy but will someone love him as much as you? Will they accept what he said he's done, etc?
You can hold your head high and know you tried your best and you're better than he'll ever be.

I think what he needs is sex. And she ll be able to give it to him. He told me what she likes sexually..... yeah again, he wanted to hurt me.
I was to clingy, he says. I tried not to be.
Thank you for your kind word... that means a lot.

he thought you were interested in other men, or at least he didn't fully trust you, due to his own insecurities

you think so? why would you think that? I was never less interested in other men than in the last 3.5 years.

Relationships nowadays are insane, just watch the crime news on youtube and you wont feel guilty at all.

its true. but I m an older generation and just delayed with a lot of development due to traumas.

Don't feel sad about it.

I ll try, thank you

 

[Meteora]

I cant sleep. I hate this fucking asshole. He betrayed me and lied about so many things. I want him to suffer.
He effectively turns things around wanting to blame me. What a psychopath. People just take advantage and use you if they can.

 

[Meteora]

I dodged a bullet
I dodget a bullet
I dodget a bullet

My new mantra

 

[Meteora]

I miss him so badly.

He replied to texts I sent a week ago. He says he thinks I cheated on him. bullshit. I m not sure if he makes it up or really thinks it. Of course I don't get a real answer. I told him that I m too old for guessing games.
Why does he even answer. I don't know. I blocked him. Hope don't unblock him again. It s so hard to let go if so many things are unclear and the break-up comes unexpectedly.

 

[Meteora]

It's true, you ll never find someone like me for I gave you my heart, my soul and my body, too. You threw me away. Broke my heart like almost no one before. Stabbed me from the back, very cowardly.
I stand to what I said 3 years ago: loving you was a losing game because you don't love yourself. I felt it after half a year and was dumb enough to stay with you. I wanted you to see yourself the way I saw you.

You treated me like a piece of shit in the end. You choose your perpetrators over someone who genuinely loved you.. the power of negative forces won. I want to die not because you'd be worth it but because I can't bear this betrayal and pain.

I m gonna burn your leather jacket as a ritualistic attempt to burn your extistence inside of me. I m no longer responsible for any of your feelings since you don't give a damn about mine. Keep the 600 Euros, I don't want them. Ultimatly, you are a spoilt boy who leaves a trail of death.

Wish you a lot of struggle and pain and misforutune.

 

[Meteora]

You used and abused me towards the end. You knew how fragile I am, how suicidal. You just don't care. You blame me for all kind of things and sugercoat what you did. You gave me the finishing blow.