Tentative Goodbye Thread

[lecyleclec]

My SN just arrived. I'm not 100% sure I'm going to CTB within the next 36ish hours but it is extremely likely. I was going to wait for my sister to finish school so the trauma doesn't fuck up her grades, but I genuinely can no longer take the pressure of existing. My parents (I'm a college student) want me to either take classes or get a job and I just want to fucking relax. It's something I can't fail at and this has been by far the most stressful year of my life. I'm not built for society in its current state and a lot of people are not. Change needs to happen but I'm not about to stick around until it does. I don't have any AE because psychs REALLY don't like to give that stuff out. Trust me, I tried. It might be smarter to not take them anyways as I take an SSRI. I may buy an over the counter AE while I buy my needles for my SN blood test. I know it will be a shit show for sure but I have a pretty hefty amount of hours to myself, so I think my chance of survival is very low if SI doesn't kick in. Anyways, despite the amount of assholes I've had to deal with, this site has some good people who were able to help me on my journey. I thank those of you who did and those of you who continue to help others and spread kindness. I will keep updates under this thread as it is important for people taking my path to have examples to go off of.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

I will stay on this thread with you. Your not alone.

 

[lecyleclec]

I will stay on this thread with you. Your not alone.

thank you so much <3

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I'm sorry you're suffering, I hope you can find peace and relief from that.

 

[Carlotta16]

My SN just arrived. I'm not 100% sure I'm going to CTB within the next 36ish hours but it is extremely likely. I was going to wait for my sister to finish school so the trauma doesn't fuck up her grades, but I genuinely can no longer take the pressure of existing. My parents (I'm a college student) want me to either take classes or get a job and I just want to fucking relax. It's something I can't fail at and this has been by far the most stressful year of my life. I'm not built for society in its current state and a lot of people are not. Change needs to happen but I'm not about to stick around until it does. I don't have any AE because psychs REALLY don't like to give that stuff out. Trust me, I tried. It might be smarter to not take them anyways as I take an SSRI. I may buy an over the counter AE while I buy my needles for my SN blood test. I know it will be a shit show for sure but I have a pretty hefty amount of hours to myself, so I think my chance of survival is very low if SI doesn't kick in. Anyways, despite the amount of assholes I've had to deal with, this site has some good people who were able to help me on my journey. I thank those of you who did and those of you who continue to help others and spread kindness. I will keep updates under this thread as it is important for people taking my path to have examples to go off of.

I am here. You are not alone. Ever

 

[Lullaby]

I agree with the others. We may not know each other, but there are people on here who genuinely care about what you're going through.

We're here for you

 

[Brianiskillingme]

We are all here.

 

[lecyleclec]

Update: had my last meal a few hours ago. Now I'm in bed drinking a mocktail. Going to get some sleep soon so I can go to the store and get my needles in the morning so I can blood test my SN. If the test is effective, I'll take my necessary meds (cimetidine, ibuprofen, klonopin) and then SN an hour after.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

Thank you for your lovely message on my post.

I won't be able to be around for you unfortunately due to time zone differences and commitments, but I'll absolutely be thinking of you as much as I can.

I agree with the others. You aren't alone.

Thank you for being so wonderful xx

 

[hopelessdreams]

im sorry you've been brought to this point. you're not alone in this. take care of yourself. don't feel pressured to do anything if you have any doubts. we'll be here to welcome you back with open arms if you decide to stay a little longer <3

 

[Slimetae]

Idk you I relate being stressed out to a breaking point tho just take things at you're pace school work whatever you do get breaks whenever you can I'm not gonna try to talk you out of anything just some advice if you already haven't heard it .

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered so unbearably. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. This life really is so depressing. I hope that you find what you are looking for. I wish you the best.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry shit got so tough. Wish you find your peace!

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

Hey OP, what's the news so far?

Hope you woke up feeling refreshed xx

 

[MementoMori81]

I'll make sure I'm here. Safe journey

 

[lecyleclec]

Update: been stalling bc my nerves have been a mess. SI is very real. Will be going to the store sometime within the next hour to get my needles and an over the counter AE. Not sure if that type of AE will do anything but better safe than sorry.

 

[Al_stargate]

Understandably SI is kickin. I've been putting it off for over a month. You're probably gonna get some motion sickness pills, which from my understanding are definitely better than nothing. Wish you well!

 

[lecyleclec]

Update: It's hot where I live. It's definitely been worse but I still have no desire to walk to the store in this heat. Despite several people saying my SN source is reputable, my boyfriend really wants me to blood test it. Also, I really should get the OTC AEs. Therefore, I'm going to postpone my death to around midnight tonight so that I can walk to the store in the dark. I was really annoyed that I couldn't eat because food is one of my few remaining passions so this gives me enough time to eat again before I have to fast again. Current time here is a little after 2pm. I will post more updates once it becomes time for me to head to the store.

 

[lecyleclec]

Update: I have returned from the store. Postponing my ctb again because my boyfriend wants to talk to me one last time before I go. He'll probably be awake in a few hours. Decided to get some gelato (store didn't have my Ben and Jerry's ://) so I have to restart my fasting period. New estimated time is 8am tomorrow morning. I'll take the other drugs at around 7am. Current time is 10:29pm.

 

[AndroidSol]

I made an account just to comment on this thread and will probably not use it again. I'm a bit older than you, have been lurking here a while. I am pro-choice on most topics including this, but if college and pressure from parents is the trigger, getting away from that will help a ton. I was in a similar situation and had to put some things on pause, finished college a bit later than expected and it was better that was. Have this convo with your parents if they'll have it. In the worst, college is not a requirement in our world anymore. Please consider your life and options here. Again, your choice. I lurk here a lot and your story sounded similar to mine and pushed me to create an account and post. Take a step back and realize there's more than college and parents.
Regardless of where you think you failed or what you think you missed, your values and what matters will change so much it's nuts. That's what I'm dealing with now. Please please rethink your motives. I felt very similar and I was also under a lot of pressure. Give it some time and really think about this

I made an account just to comment on this thread and will probably not use it again. I'm a bit older than you, have been lurking here a while. I am pro-choice on most topics including this, but if college and pressure from parents is the trigger, getting away from that will help a ton. I was in a similar situation and had to put some things on pause, finished college a bit later than expected and it was better that was. Have this convo with your parents if they'll have it. In the worst, college is not a requirement in our world anymore. Please consider your life and options here. Again, your choice. I lurk here a lot and your story sounded similar to mine and pushed me to create an account and post. Take a step back and realize there's more than college and parents.
Regardless of where you think you failed or what you think you missed, your values and what matters will change so much it's nuts. That's what I'm dealing with now. Please please rethink your motives. I felt very similar and I was also under a lot of pressure. Give it some time and really think about this

It gets better usually and college isn't the end all be all. I'll be watching this thread and wish you the best

 

[lecyleclec]

I made an account just to comment on this thread and will probably not use it again. I'm a bit older than you, have been lurking here a while. I am pro-choice on most topics including this, but if college and pressure from parents is the trigger, getting away from that will help a ton. I was in a similar situation and had to put some things on pause, finished college a bit later than expected and it was better that was. Have this convo with your parents if they'll have it. In the worst, college is not a requirement in our world anymore. Please consider your life and options here. Again, your choice. I lurk here a lot and your story sounded similar to mine and pushed me to create an account and post. Take a step back and realize there's more than college and parents.
Regardless of where you think you failed or what you think you missed, your values and what matters will change so much it's nuts. That's what I'm dealing with now. Please please rethink your motives. I felt very similar and I was also under a lot of pressure. Give it some time and really think about this

It gets better usually and college isn't the end all be all. I'll be watching this thread and wish you the best

Well my reasoning provided is why I'm doing it now rather than later. In the end, I still hate society and hate existing as the person I am. Nothing will change that. Thank you for your help though. It means a lot.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I just want to fucking relax

you could try to find a way to do that instead of CTB right now - what's the rush? My brother recently started living on a boat in a marina for £50 / $70 a week, which means he can work part-time and spend more time relaxing - I also know someone who lives in a van and works part-time, and spends most his time relaxing - there are many ways to escape the rat race - even if it means you get to relax for the next 10 to 40 years and then CTB once you're getting old and bored of it, it's surely better than making a hasty, rushed decision now

 

[lecyleclec]

you could try to find a way to do that instead of CTB right now - what's the rush? My brother recently started living on a boat in a marina for £50 / $70 a week, which means he can work part-time and spend more time relaxing - I also know someone who lives in a van and works part-time, and spends most his time relaxing - there are many ways to escape the rat race - even if it means you get to relax for the next 10 to 40 years and then CTB once you're getting old and bored of it, it's surely better than making a hasty, rushed decision now

well I don't drive and never will, especially something large enough to live inside of

 

[Pain In The Ass]

well I don't drive and never will, especially something large enough to live inside of

What about working a full time and evening job for a few years to save up enough to outright buy a shithole property in a shitty area, but with no rent or mortgage, you can work part-time and just chill most of the day. You could fake chronic pain and get opiates or benzos from your doc, get a nice relaxing addiction on the go to occupy yourself whilst you watch tv all day in your shit hole property. Are you in the US? Don't they allow people to live in 'trailers' there, as in trailer trash?

 

[lecyleclec]

What about working a full time and evening job for a few years to save up enough to outright buy a shithole property in a shitty area, but with no rent or mortgage, you can work part-time and just chill most of the day. You could fake chronic pain and get opiates or benzos from your doc, get a nice relaxing addiction on the go to occupy yourself whilst you watch tv all day in your shit hole property. Are you in the US? Don't they allow people to live in 'trailers' there, as in trailer trash?

I can't tell if you're being serious or not. There's no way in hell I'd ever do this.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I can't tell if you're being serious or not. There's no way in hell I'd ever do this.

I'm being serious, with a smidgen of silliness! I'm just going by what you said about wanting to relax all day. There are ways to get to do this. Owning your own place removes sooo many stresses from your life. You now no longer need a 'career' or qualifications, or a 'good job' that you hate. A couple of cleaning jobs in the evening, working on your own, and you've got enough cash to live on. Or fake chronic pain and go on benefits. A cheeky little tramadol addiction can be very pleasant. Waiting for the drug to hit your blood stream every morning with coffee and strawberry jam on buttery toast, can be a moment to savour.

 

[lecyleclec]

Update: Took the antacid, benzo, and painkillers. Will take the AE in 5 minutes and the SN in 50 minutes. Will provide updates from there.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I made an account just to comment on this thread and will probably not use it again. I'm a bit older than you, have been lurking here a while. I am pro-choice on most topics including this, but if college and pressure from parents is the trigger, getting away from that will help a ton. I was in a similar situation and had to put some things on pause, finished college a bit later than expected and it was better that was. Have this convo with your parents if they'll have it. In the worst, college is not a requirement in our world anymore. Please consider your life and options here. Again, your choice. I lurk here a lot and your story sounded similar to mine and pushed me to create an account and post. Take a step back and realize there's more than college and parents.
Regardless of where you think you failed or what you think you missed, your values and what matters will change so much it's nuts. That's what I'm dealing with now. Please please rethink your motives. I felt very similar and I was also under a lot of pressure. Give it some time and really think about this

It gets better usually and college isn't the end all be all. I'll be watching this thread and wish you the best

This.

 

[AndroidSol]

Well my reasoning provided is why I'm doing it now rather than later. In the end, I still hate society and hate existing as the person I am. Nothing will change that. Thank you for your help though. It means a lot.

I understand your pain. I had something very traumatic happen in those years of my life and it makes me feel the exact same a lot. I have hated existing and society as well for some time but it's gotten better. I'm telling you though, as college fades away everything works out and there's a glimmer of hope there. I bet your parents will back off if you tell them how serious it's gotten. What about remote work from home? I'm begging you to reconsider how unimportant college is and stick around for your sister. I am sure some older folks here would agree with me. I don't ever comment here, probably won't again, but feel free to reach out for ideas.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm older and agree, it gets better.