I have been thinking about CTB for a while, more of a passive thought, but theres things I still need to work out. Such as my online friend, lets call him Al on the short offchance he finds this. I've been friends with Al for 3 years now, and he is the person I am closest with and trust more than anyone. We've called and texted. I met him on pinterest, and that is where we usually chat. I have his gmail, he has mine, we used to video call with google hangouts, but then we exchanged instagram (although he barely uses it) accounts and have been calling with that. He lives 8 hours ahead of me, just for general information. Last time I tried to CTB, there was another friend in our group. I sent what I thought was a scheduled gmail (since I couldnt figure out how to do it,) I told them not to open the email until later on. (When my screentime limit was over and I could text them).
That way, if I failed, I could tell them not to watch it, and if I didn't, then well... they would have my video explaining everything.
Of course, my friend read the email beforehand. They were freaking out which I feel horribly guilty about to this day (we make light jokes about it but the topic is still touchy, I beat myself up over it but he's still stuck by me. Basically my brother at this point, since he is two and a half ish years older than me). When I tried and failed, I waited until my time limit was over and instantly responded back to them. They were scared and upset and eventually we got past it. Now, back to the present.
I believe that he doesn't suspect me of any thoughts of killing myself now, nor self harm. I mean, I haven't self harmed in at least a year, if not a bit more. Al did help me through so much, and to that I owe him everything, but I can't tell him my thoughts again. I know it would hurt him so much. Now, if I were to kill myself again, what should I do?
Our mutual friend just left one day, and began ignoring us. (I was in a few discord servers he was in and he was active there, but whenever he realized I join, would instantly stop talking. Me and Al have talked about this and Al revealed some messed up things our friend did, which was only a year older than me.) So, I don't want to leave him wondering if I just hate him now.
I have given him my full legal name (I am transgender, and so is Al, please don't give us any hate for this.), and he gave me his, just incase one of us randomly drops off we can check online or news articles or deaths. That is if I even do it, which I feel guilty just thinking about how I'd hurt my father and Al, and maybe some of my friends, and I feel as if I am betraying God since the times I failed I look back and I believe it may have been divine intervention. but, Divine intervention brought me to this sight, by constantly recommending me that video, so I do not know. I love God, my father, and Al, really, and my dog.
Plus, I haven't been able to transition (my immediate family knows) and I would hate being misgendered at my funeral, if I get one.
So, in case you didn't want to read all that: Should I attempt an actual scheduled gmail? Or should I simply tell him then do a harsher method than my last times? Or, do I ghost him completely? I would not commit this month as his birthday is genuinely in two days. Happy birthday Al!
That way, if I failed, I could tell them not to watch it, and if I didn't, then well... they would have my video explaining everything.
Of course, my friend read the email beforehand. They were freaking out which I feel horribly guilty about to this day (we make light jokes about it but the topic is still touchy, I beat myself up over it but he's still stuck by me. Basically my brother at this point, since he is two and a half ish years older than me). When I tried and failed, I waited until my time limit was over and instantly responded back to them. They were scared and upset and eventually we got past it. Now, back to the present.
I believe that he doesn't suspect me of any thoughts of killing myself now, nor self harm. I mean, I haven't self harmed in at least a year, if not a bit more. Al did help me through so much, and to that I owe him everything, but I can't tell him my thoughts again. I know it would hurt him so much. Now, if I were to kill myself again, what should I do?
Our mutual friend just left one day, and began ignoring us. (I was in a few discord servers he was in and he was active there, but whenever he realized I join, would instantly stop talking. Me and Al have talked about this and Al revealed some messed up things our friend did, which was only a year older than me.) So, I don't want to leave him wondering if I just hate him now.
I have given him my full legal name (I am transgender, and so is Al, please don't give us any hate for this.), and he gave me his, just incase one of us randomly drops off we can check online or news articles or deaths. That is if I even do it, which I feel guilty just thinking about how I'd hurt my father and Al, and maybe some of my friends, and I feel as if I am betraying God since the times I failed I look back and I believe it may have been divine intervention. but, Divine intervention brought me to this sight, by constantly recommending me that video, so I do not know. I love God, my father, and Al, really, and my dog.
Plus, I haven't been able to transition (my immediate family knows) and I would hate being misgendered at my funeral, if I get one.
So, in case you didn't want to read all that: Should I attempt an actual scheduled gmail? Or should I simply tell him then do a harsher method than my last times? Or, do I ghost him completely? I would not commit this month as his birthday is genuinely in two days. Happy birthday Al!
