Something I wrote in my journal - yes it sounds insensitive i tend to write in a rush - and typed it up
(I don't usually type "venting" sort or posts on sasu since I prefer writing I find I get down my thoughts quicker than typing)
I never understood I thought people would attempt suicide because they want to die and now it keeps me wondering how it feels for your biggest concern to be how much and who's attention you'll gain from attempting. It kinda feels lonely actually wanting to die and never having wanted to live even for a moment. I'm tired of being policed by others pretending they understand or even relate to what it's like to want to kill yourself before you're old enough to be able to conceptualise death. There's so much effort spent on this facade Id rather have just hanged myself ( FSH ) instead of being worried about others seeing me in that state. Now I don't seem to see the point in presentation after death also including a suicide note where the initial audience isn't myself. I couldn't get myself to write a suicide note with the intention of others reading it as I have nothing to say that I haven't said. It's not as If I suddenly died randomly. It all feels slightly performative wanting to look at my dead body and feel as tho I didn't suffer and died peacefully with mutilated skin such a contradiction. So what I want to say is that anything I write is for me. Anything I do is for me.
(I don't usually type "venting" sort or posts on sasu since I prefer writing I find I get down my thoughts quicker than typing)
I never understood I thought people would attempt suicide because they want to die and now it keeps me wondering how it feels for your biggest concern to be how much and who's attention you'll gain from attempting. It kinda feels lonely actually wanting to die and never having wanted to live even for a moment. I'm tired of being policed by others pretending they understand or even relate to what it's like to want to kill yourself before you're old enough to be able to conceptualise death. There's so much effort spent on this facade Id rather have just hanged myself ( FSH ) instead of being worried about others seeing me in that state. Now I don't seem to see the point in presentation after death also including a suicide note where the initial audience isn't myself. I couldn't get myself to write a suicide note with the intention of others reading it as I have nothing to say that I haven't said. It's not as If I suddenly died randomly. It all feels slightly performative wanting to look at my dead body and feel as tho I didn't suffer and died peacefully with mutilated skin such a contradiction. So what I want to say is that anything I write is for me. Anything I do is for me.
