wurr
don’t lie
- Jul 17, 2023
- 46
I don't think there's really any advise that can be given in my situation, so treat it more as a rant. Although I'm not against somebody typing out their thoughts about this, if you have any.
I have a childhood friend who I've known for 11 years now. A few years ago we both moved to different countries, so our slowly declining interactions have been in text/ calls only of coarse. I haven't talked to him since this summer, and his birthday is coming up this November. I need to talk with him, but its… difficult. I feel like he has changed so much over the years. His voice deepened, he acts and looks much more manly, smokes, is saving up for a car, and has became much more serious. He just seems like something that my family would like me to be. Don't get the wrong idea, he's still a very kind person, and he doesn't treat me badly, but when I talk to him I just feel ashamed of myself. He seems like someone my family would like, while I'm a total disappointment. He has gone the right way, while I has gone the wrong way. I have a huge resentment for masculinity, but I can't help and try to look and and more masculine. It makes me feel like I always have to pretend to be someone else, while locking myself behind a wall. Trying to act and look masculine makes me feel like I always have to maintain this fake image that is anything but myself, but I like that it makes me assured that my family and everyone around me won't be disappointed in me. While when I look or act femenine, I feel like I'm myself for once. But this feeling turns into disgust when I imagine others seeing me be like that. I feel so shameful, and guilty. It's better to die than to be myself and take on all that shame. There is no solution to this. I feel like I will endlessly have to either pretend to be somebody I'm not, or I'll have to be disgusted of who I am. How can there be happiness when I'm trapped like that?
I wish things could have gone in a good direction instead of whatever ended up happening. I wish my friend would have never changed. I wish I was proper.
I have a childhood friend who I've known for 11 years now. A few years ago we both moved to different countries, so our slowly declining interactions have been in text/ calls only of coarse. I haven't talked to him since this summer, and his birthday is coming up this November. I need to talk with him, but its… difficult. I feel like he has changed so much over the years. His voice deepened, he acts and looks much more manly, smokes, is saving up for a car, and has became much more serious. He just seems like something that my family would like me to be. Don't get the wrong idea, he's still a very kind person, and he doesn't treat me badly, but when I talk to him I just feel ashamed of myself. He seems like someone my family would like, while I'm a total disappointment. He has gone the right way, while I has gone the wrong way. I have a huge resentment for masculinity, but I can't help and try to look and and more masculine. It makes me feel like I always have to pretend to be someone else, while locking myself behind a wall. Trying to act and look masculine makes me feel like I always have to maintain this fake image that is anything but myself, but I like that it makes me assured that my family and everyone around me won't be disappointed in me. While when I look or act femenine, I feel like I'm myself for once. But this feeling turns into disgust when I imagine others seeing me be like that. I feel so shameful, and guilty. It's better to die than to be myself and take on all that shame. There is no solution to this. I feel like I will endlessly have to either pretend to be somebody I'm not, or I'll have to be disgusted of who I am. How can there be happiness when I'm trapped like that?
I wish things could have gone in a good direction instead of whatever ended up happening. I wish my friend would have never changed. I wish I was proper.
