Venting talking normal to others while actively planning to ctb, anyone else?

[wannabeangel]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

 

[Jadeith]

keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans?

That's basically my everyday life. Researching exit bag/hood/mask methods or alternatives here on SaSu or elsewhere while having family dinner. Ordering SN while playing with kid. And ho w to cope? Apologies but i can't reliably answer that. I just do it. Yes, it is exhausting but still i do it.

 

[witchcraft]

Yep. I hurt my lower back carrying bags of water softener salt into the basement about 1.5 weeks ago. I'm not even 30, of average weight. It's not getting any better. Weird uncomfortable dull sensations into the backs of my thighs and all that. All I'm doing is just fucking sitting here. That's it.

It's over. This is what has pushed me over the edge. I am unemployed despite efforts to find a half-ass decent job for TWO YEARS. Went to school for the wrong fucking thing. In immense debt. No insurance. Poor. Unable to afford to even get my back looked at let alone have surgery on it. My dad had two surgeries on his back and still has issues with it.

I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I can't fucking take it anymore.

And yet when I talk to people, I pretend like everything is just fine. Yup. I love life. It's great. Everything about it is fucking so awesome.

 

[Asya]

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[itsgone2]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on

 

[Princess_Kitty]

This is me 100%. I'll be playing a game or watching YouTube with someone or talking to them online normally, laughing and joking etc while actively planning my ctb methods. I'm crying and screaming on inside but of course always the "yeah im fine don't worry!" Response.

 

[wannabeangel]

That's basically my everyday life. Researching exit bag/hood/mask methods or alternatives here on SaSu or elsewhere while having family dinner. Ordering SN while playing with kid. And ho w to cope? Apologies but i can't reliably answer that. I just do it. Yes, it is exhausting but still i do it.

Yep. I hurt my lower back carrying bags of water softener salt into the basement about 1.5 weeks ago. I'm not even 30, of average weight. It's not getting any better. Weird uncomfortable dull sensations into the backs of my thighs and all that. All I'm doing is just fucking sitting here. That's it.

It's over. This is what has pushed me over the edge. I am unemployed despite efforts to find a half-ass decent job for TWO YEARS. Went to school for the wrong fucking thing. In immense debt. No insurance. Poor. Unable to afford to even get my back looked at let alone have surgery on it. My dad had two surgeries on his back and still has issues with it.

I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I can't fucking take it anymore.

And yet when I talk to people, I pretend like everything is just fine. Yup. I love life. It's great. Everything about it is fucking so awesome.

[Hidden content]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on

This is me 100%. I'll be playing a game or watching YouTube with someone or talking to them online normally, laughing and joking etc while actively planning my ctb methods. I'm crying and screaming on inside but of course always the "yeah im fine don't worry!" Response.

so many people relating helps me feel less alone, im sorry you all have to struggle with the same tho :( its so hard to pretend everything is fine while your clock is running out...

 

[Princess_Kitty]

so many people relating helps me feel less alone, im sorry you all have to struggle with the same tho :( its so hard to pretend everything is fine while your clock is running out...

I agree it's so hard to act "normal" while you're wanting to ctb. But at least we got SaSu so not really alone!

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

 

[wannabeangel]

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

it's so very exhausting, i hope for me that ends soon

 

[NiicheKey]

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

We're twinning rn ough


I always feel like this during peak suicidality periods. I am helping grandparents, going shopping, people see me performing tasks "extremely well" . But I am fighting every second with my brain, I am deeply in my plans, I'm paralysed by having to "exist" when I was not supposed to from long time ago and still not. It's draining, I feel it all in my body, it's hard to do basic tasks, only "end, end, end". I withdraw socially, but when I reply (because I have to or I feel guilty for ghosting), I say I'm fine.
I know some see through me and feel something is going on, they know I'm depressed, but they never suspect that my head is filled with brutality and goodbye plans. I think if anyone saw ONLY the surface of my thoughts, they would be heavily terrified.
Being asked about ambitions and I say yeah I have some (like I haven't tried to ctb two times in span of a week, experienced unbelievable pain, but cleaned after myself so there's no trace - only in my mind)

I think the only advice I can give for bearing with those feelings is to tell yourself that this is a "peak performance"/ living in theatrum mundi mindset("life as a theatre", a trope in art and literature). But I know, when mental pain is 9-10/10 and you're active risk to yourself, it feels too suffocating to pretend and want to act on it or just cry in someone's arms. I also observed in myself that staying too much in it eats my sanity.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

We're twinning rn ough


I always feel like this during peak suicidality periods. I am helping grandparents, going shopping, people see me performing tasks "extremely well" . But I am fighting every second with my brain, I am deeply in my plans, I'm paralysed by having to "exist" when I was not supposed to from long time ago and still not. It's draining, I feel it all in my body, it's hard to do basic tasks, only "end, end, end". I withdraw socially, but when I reply (because I have to or I feel guilty for ghosting), I say I'm fine.
I know some see through me and feel something is going on, they know I'm depressed, but they never suspect that my head is filled with brutality and goodbye plans. I think if anyone saw ONLY the surface of my thoughts, they would be heavily terrified.
Being asked about ambitions and I say yeah I have some (like I haven't tried to ctb two times in span of a week, experienced unbelievable pain, but cleaned after myself so there's no trace - only in my mind)

I think the only advice I can give for bearing with those feelings is to tell yourself that this is a "peak performance"/ living in theatrum mundi mindset("life as a theatre", a trope in art and literature). But I know, when mental pain is 9-10/10 and you're active risk to yourself, it feels too suffocating to pretend and want to act on it or just cry in someone's arms. I also observed in myself that staying too much in it eats my sanity.

Absolutely. I've even told my housemate, "If you could see only a fraction of my thoughts, you'd be terrified", or, "If you had to live in my head for one day, you'd blow your brains out".

And the part where you said all your brain can think is, "End, end, end"... I get that. Most of the time, when I'm doing a task, every other thought is, "just kill yourself". Like, if I'm doing laundry, "Put clothing in washer, kill self, put in soap, kill self, close lid, kill self, etc".

To say it's exhausting is an understatement.

 

[HopelessScientist]

I lie to my partner and one of my best friends, it is horrible. I feel like I am betraying them. It breaks my heart so much to be making plans with my partner, telling them their new shoelaces are pretty, asking them how they are, knowing I'll break their heart. I hate that I'll inevitably hurt them. My other best friend wants to ctb too so I tell him everything.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I lie to my partner and one of my best friends, it is horrible. I feel like I am betraying them. It breaks my heart so much to be making plans with my partner, telling them their new shoelaces are pretty, asking them how they are, knowing I'll break their heart. I hate that I'll inevitably hurt them. My other best friend wants to ctb too so I tell him everything.

I'm glad you have someone else in your private life you can openly talk to. When I was a teen in the early 2000's, no one around me, that i know of, understood my suicidality. And while internet was far less censored than it is now, i wasn't comfortable as a teen telling random strangers how I was feeling.

Even now, I'm very limited with whom I can speak to about this.

 

[HopelessScientist]

I'm glad you have someone else in your private life you can openly talk to. When I was an teen in he early 2000's, no one around me, that i know of, understood my suicidality. And while internet was far less censored than it is now, i wasn't comfortable as a teen telling random strangers how I was feeling.

yeah, when I was a teen in the 2010s, online was my only support. I am so glad I have people in my life I love and who love me. It is a privilege and I appreciate it so much.

You deserve to be heard and listened to. I hope you now have those who care for you as well.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

yeah, when I was a teen in the 2010s, online was my only support. I am so glad I have people in my life I love and who love me. It is a privilege and I appreciate it so much.

You deserve to be heard and listened to. I hope you now have those who care for you as well.

Thank you friend. May you find peace.

 

[vinicuit]

i completely relate to that

i live my life just as normal as everyone, i go to college, i work, i go to parties, i spend time with my friends, i figured out how to hide it from everyone around me, and it's very exhausting

i plan to ctb until july and seeing my friends enjoying their lives makes me realise i'm making the right decision, i would never be able to appreciate life like them... i'm incapable of seeing any sense on any of this. but it's exhausting to pretend i enjoy just as much as them, and whenever i forget to mask it, they get scared and pitiful

 

[singingcrow]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on

I can't lie . this is crazy but I can't talk since I have been on this site multiple times on the train with randoms sitting next to me

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on

Oh my goodness I do this too! Like, I'm sitting there in a waiting room or wherever, and I'm just casually writing dark stuff on "Sanctioned-Suicide" on my browser, as if it's just the most normal thing in the world (because, to us it is); not giving a flying flip who could possibly see it lol.

 

[singingcrow]

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

keeping this facade up is very tiring, and with my friends i'm always worried it's starting to slip and that they'll realise how much i'm struggling underneath

 

[TheKingInBlack]

keeping this facade up is very tiring, and with my friends i'm always worried it's starting to slip and that they'll realise how much i'm struggling underneath

I can relate. I have to pretend to be okay for my friends but it gets harder every day. that lump in my chest makes it hard to talk, I have to lie when anyone asks me what's going on or how I'm doing or what my plans are for the future. I hate it. I came here honestly to have people to talk to that wont try to talk me out of something I really need to do

 

[lpdsvm]

That's pretty normal for me. Just arranging and rescheduling my entry visa or exit depending on how you look at it. I just think about it like that. (rope, SN, ratchet straps etc are just technical words). One way ticket.
But I also get it - I should never even say a word about it. I think it should be like that about anything - no need to brag.

 

[thehorizons]

I do understand the paradox and it's exhausting being caught between 'living' and dying. The old me before my illnesses would think it's twisted. Now, I just frame it as a necessary means to find 'peace' (if I'll be privileged enough to find a method that works quickly and as peacefully as possible) since I'm doing this to free myself of my illnesses, dashed dreams, being a burden to my family, and leaving in a moment in time that I could still consider as relatively acceptable .

 

[singingcrow]

I can relate. I have to pretend to be okay for my friends but it gets harder every day. that lump in my chest makes it hard to talk, I have to lie when anyone asks me what's going on or how I'm doing or what my plans are for the future. I hate it. I came here honestly to have people to talk to that wont try to talk me out of something I really need to do

i feel like such a fake person for telling them i have plans for the future.

some of them probably think i'll be in their lives until we're old ladies, sitting together and drinking tea. i came here too so i can have people who won't tell me not to do it. it's really bad this happened but i've accidentally started kind of liking someone who i've met here and now we are both trying to stop eachother from ctb lol.

i'm sorry that you are carrying so much

the lump in your chest that makes it hard to talk is not a nice feeling.

dying is something that i really need to do as well

 

[TheKingInBlack]

i feel like such a fake person for telling them i have plans for the future.

some of them probably think i'll be in their lives until we're old ladies, sitting together and drinking tea. i came here too so i can have people who won't tell me not to do it. it's really bad this happened but i've accidentally started kind of liking someone who i've met here and now we are both trying to stop eachother from ctb lol.

i'm sorry that you are carrying so much

the lump in your chest that makes it hard to talk is not a nice feeling.

dying is something that i really need to do as well

you aren't a fake person for that at all. at least you still talk to them, rather than just cut them off. I felt like that too, I don't like lying to people I care about but if I tell them the truth they'd be hurt and concerned, so I think its best to at least let them think things are okay. also I don't think its bad I think its very cute and sweet you found someone you like and you're trying to talk each other out of it. honestly that's beautiful and I'm a lil jealous lol. I fell for someone recently but like It always goes for me it was very one sided, I care much more than she does, it makes me feel like a loser all over again. like maybe she was just messing with me and wasn't really interested from the get go, or maybe there's something else going on idk. its got me to the point where I'm debating even logging into discord again, just because I know I'm probably still getting ghosted and I really don't wanna look. the lumo wont go away, no matter what I do or game I try to play or music I listen to, its stuck there. I'll get rid of it tho. I've wanted to ctb for years and for once I have the resources to afford pure helium tanks so I just have to hang on for a couple weeks.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

keeping this facade up is very tiring, and with my friends i'm always worried it's starting to slip and that they'll realise how much i'm struggling underneath

I've been starting to slip and make subtle comments on the phone with my mom. I have to make a concerted effort to not say certain things. Like, she was talking about something (can't remember precisely what it was) but she literally used the phrase "catch the bus" (but it was in a literal sense, talking about when she lived in the city). I did all I could not to burst out laughing.

 

[singingcrow]

you aren't a fake person for that at all. at least you still talk to them, rather than just cut them off. I felt like that too, I don't like lying to people I care about but if I tell them the truth they'd be hurt and concerned, so I think its best to at least let them think things are okay. also I don't think its bad I think its very cute and sweet you found someone you like and you're trying to talk each other out of it. honestly that's beautiful and I'm a lil jealous lol. I fell for someone recently but like It always goes for me it was very one sided, I care much more than she does, it makes me feel like a loser all over again. like maybe she was just messing with me and wasn't really interested from the get go, or maybe there's something else going on idk. its got me to the point where I'm debating even logging into discord again, just because I know I'm probably still getting ghosted and I really don't wanna look. the lumo wont go away, no matter what I do or game I try to play or music I listen to, its stuck there. I'll get rid of it tho. I've wanted to ctb for years and for once I have the resources to afford pure helium tanks so I just have to hang on for a couple weeks.

i'm really sorry you're going through this. one sided feelings are rough &especially when you care a lot more and it leaves you questioning everything. it can easily make you feel like a loser but you're not. caring deeply isn't a weakness

give yourself some time to sit with it. these things don't disappear overnight, but they do fade. you've already got the right mindset saying you'll get rid of it. if you need to vent or just want company i'm here to chat :)

 

[cjuk]

I just have been unable to make any friends that really know me, so since all my friendships are very superficial I have no problem hiding it from my friends, as for my family they are pretty distant to so it is also easy to hide it with a "I'm ok, I am just tired" or something like that.

 

[TheKingInBlack]

i'm really sorry you're going through this. one sided feelings are rough &especially when you care a lot more and it leaves you questioning everything. it can easily make you feel like a loser but you're not. caring deeply isn't a weakness

give yourself some time to sit with it. these things don't disappear overnight, but they do fade. you've already got the right mindset saying you'll get rid of it. if you need to vent or just want company i'm here to chat :)

thank you, that means a lot :) it helps having like minded people to talk to and that the end is truly near for once <3

 

[Apathy79]

I just have been unable to make any friends that really know me, so since all my friendships are very superficial I have no problem hiding it from my friends, as for my family they are pretty distant to so it is also easy to hide it with a "I'm ok, I am just tired" or something like that.

I'm a bit like this too. I've revealed way more on this forum than I ever have to even the closest people I know in real life. It's not even a contest. No-one in my actual life knows me well at all. Most of my thoughts are already hidden from them. This just seems like an extension of that.