Venting talking normal to others while actively planning to ctb, anyone else?

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I just have been unable to make any friends that really know me, so since all my friendships are very superficial I have no problem hiding it from my friends, as for my family they are pretty distant to so it is also easy to hide it with a "I'm ok, I am just tired" or something like that.

Yeah I use the "I'm just tired" one a lot.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Yes I live my every day hiding/glossing over the reality of how much I'm suffering. Suffering in the sense of physical pain, mental distress, 'events', etc. I go to work as trying to play off that I'm in pain by isolating myself from others by always doing tasks. I talk to people as if I'm not constantly wishing and actively thinking about ways to end it. I ignore the words from my mom so as to not give away the fact that I am one "well I can't do anything right" away from brutally stabbing myself to death. I Make future plans with my friends thinking to myself, while I do want to be with you and do that thing, that I really really don't want to be alive then. Or while others talk about there dreams for the future I just smile and nod knowing my only dreams for the future are to END up in peace. I go through my daily life living like a zombie while also as somebody about to/actively having a crash out/breakdown. People know that it's there obviously and I'll mention it every now and then. But it's still something I try not to show others, partly because I don't want others to feel bad, annoyed, or as if they need to do something. I don't entirely feel ashamed of it or anything, although sometimes I worry that through my efforts of trying to hide it but it still being my reality it comes across as fake/attention seeking when I do show it/am not able to hide it enough. And that hurts in many ways…
But I do find it wierd that this is how I/we live our normal lives. Just going through the motions, communicating, and acting all 'dandy' while in our own reality we're actively searching for ways to stop our suffering.