Venting talking normal to others while actively planning to ctb, anyone else?

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I just have been unable to make any friends that really know me, so since all my friendships are very superficial I have no problem hiding it from my friends, as for my family they are pretty distant to so it is also easy to hide it with a "I'm ok, I am just tired" or something like that.

Yeah I use the "I'm just tired" one a lot.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Yes I live my every day hiding/glossing over the reality of how much I'm suffering. Suffering in the sense of physical pain, mental distress, 'events', etc. I go to work as trying to play off that I'm in pain by isolating myself from others by always doing tasks. I talk to people as if I'm not constantly wishing and actively thinking about ways to end it. I ignore the words from my mom so as to not give away the fact that I am one "well I can't do anything right" away from brutally stabbing myself to death. I Make future plans with my friends thinking to myself, while I do want to be with you and do that thing, that I really really don't want to be alive then. Or while others talk about there dreams for the future I just smile and nod knowing my only dreams for the future are to END up in peace. I go through my daily life living like a zombie while also as somebody about to/actively having a crash out/breakdown. People know that it's there obviously and I'll mention it every now and then. But it's still something I try not to show others, partly because I don't want others to feel bad, annoyed, or as if they need to do something. I don't entirely feel ashamed of it or anything, although sometimes I worry that through my efforts of trying to hide it but it still being my reality it comes across as fake/attention seeking when I do show it/am not able to hide it enough. And that hurts in many ways…
But I do find it wierd that this is how I/we live our normal lives. Just going through the motions, communicating, and acting all 'dandy' while in our own reality we're actively searching for ways to stop our suffering.

 

[wannabeangel]

I lie to my partner and one of my best friends, it is horrible. I feel like I am betraying them. It breaks my heart so much to be making plans with my partner, telling them their new shoelaces are pretty, asking them how they are, knowing I'll break their heart. I hate that I'll inevitably hurt them. My other best friend wants to ctb too so I tell him everything.

god this is so real.... im the same with my husband, well, i guess soon to be ex husband once papers are done... it feels like im betraying him and anyone else close to me, it just makes everything so much harder and heartbreaking. but my heart can only be broken so many times until its dust, its starting to make ctb the better option for me. i told him and others i would be safe, but i dont think so for long. not sure how long, but its getting too close to the point of no return