Venting talking normal to others while actively planning to ctb, anyone else?

[wannabeangel]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

 

[Jadeith]

keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans?

That's basically my everyday life. Researching exit bag/hood/mask methods or alternatives here on SaSu or elsewhere while having family dinner. Ordering SN while playing with kid. And ho w to cope? Apologies but i can't reliably answer that. I just do it. Yes, it is exhausting but still i do it.

 

[witchcraft]

Yep. I hurt my lower back carrying bags of water softener salt into the basement about 1.5 weeks ago. I'm not even 30, of average weight. It's not getting any better. Weird uncomfortable dull sensations into the backs of my thighs and all that. All I'm doing is just fucking sitting here. That's it.

It's over. This is what has pushed me over the edge. I am unemployed despite efforts to find a half-ass decent job for TWO YEARS. Went to school for the wrong fucking thing. In immense debt. No insurance. Poor. Unable to afford to even get my back looked at let alone have surgery on it. My dad had two surgeries on his back and still has issues with it.

I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I can't fucking take it anymore.

And yet when I talk to people, I pretend like everything is just fine. Yup. I love life. It's great. Everything about it is fucking so awesome.

 

[Asya]

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[itsgone2]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on

 

[Princess_Kitty]

This is me 100%. I'll be playing a game or watching YouTube with someone or talking to them online normally, laughing and joking etc while actively planning my ctb methods. I'm crying and screaming on inside but of course always the "yeah im fine don't worry!" Response.

 

[wannabeangel]

That's basically my everyday life. Researching exit bag/hood/mask methods or alternatives here on SaSu or elsewhere while having family dinner. Ordering SN while playing with kid. And ho w to cope? Apologies but i can't reliably answer that. I just do it. Yes, it is exhausting but still i do it.

Yep. I hurt my lower back carrying bags of water softener salt into the basement about 1.5 weeks ago. I'm not even 30, of average weight. It's not getting any better. Weird uncomfortable dull sensations into the backs of my thighs and all that. All I'm doing is just fucking sitting here. That's it.

It's over. This is what has pushed me over the edge. I am unemployed despite efforts to find a half-ass decent job for TWO YEARS. Went to school for the wrong fucking thing. In immense debt. No insurance. Poor. Unable to afford to even get my back looked at let alone have surgery on it. My dad had two surgeries on his back and still has issues with it.

I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I can't fucking take it anymore.

And yet when I talk to people, I pretend like everything is just fine. Yup. I love life. It's great. Everything about it is fucking so awesome.

[Hidden content]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on

This is me 100%. I'll be playing a game or watching YouTube with someone or talking to them online normally, laughing and joking etc while actively planning my ctb methods. I'm crying and screaming on inside but of course always the "yeah im fine don't worry!" Response.

so many people relating helps me feel less alone, im sorry you all have to struggle with the same tho :( its so hard to pretend everything is fine while your clock is running out...

 

[Princess_Kitty]

so many people relating helps me feel less alone, im sorry you all have to struggle with the same tho :( its so hard to pretend everything is fine while your clock is running out...

I agree it's so hard to act "normal" while you're wanting to ctb. But at least we got SaSu so not really alone!

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

 

[wannabeangel]

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

it's so very exhausting, i hope for me that ends soon

 

[NiicheKey]

This is the story of my life lately. I tell my mom I'm fine, and I act okay when I talk to my brothers. I'll sit there and put on my smile voice over the phone with my mom, while responding to a post on SaSu about how i really want to kill myself.

Honestly, it's very exhausting.

We're twinning rn ough


I always feel like this during peak suicidality periods. I am helping grandparents, going shopping, people see me performing tasks "extremely well" . But I am fighting every second with my brain, I am deeply in my plans, I'm paralysed by having to "exist" when I was not supposed to from long time ago and still not. It's draining, I feel it all in my body, it's hard to do basic tasks, only "end, end, end". I withdraw socially, but when I reply (because I have to or I feel guilty for ghosting), I say I'm fine.
I know some see through me and feel something is going on, they know I'm depressed, but they never suspect that my head is filled with brutality and goodbye plans. I think if anyone saw ONLY the surface of my thoughts, they would be heavily terrified.
Being asked about ambitions and I say yeah I have some (like I haven't tried to ctb two times in span of a week, experienced unbelievable pain, but cleaned after myself so there's no trace - only in my mind)

I think the only advice I can give for bearing with those feelings is to tell yourself that this is a "peak performance"/ living in theatrum mundi mindset("life as a theatre", a trope in art and literature). But I know, when mental pain is 9-10/10 and you're active risk to yourself, it feels too suffocating to pretend and want to act on it or just cry in someone's arms. I also observed in myself that staying too much in it eats my sanity.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

We're twinning rn ough


I always feel like this during peak suicidality periods. I am helping grandparents, going shopping, people see me performing tasks "extremely well" . But I am fighting every second with my brain, I am deeply in my plans, I'm paralysed by having to "exist" when I was not supposed to from long time ago and still not. It's draining, I feel it all in my body, it's hard to do basic tasks, only "end, end, end". I withdraw socially, but when I reply (because I have to or I feel guilty for ghosting), I say I'm fine.
I know some see through me and feel something is going on, they know I'm depressed, but they never suspect that my head is filled with brutality and goodbye plans. I think if anyone saw ONLY the surface of my thoughts, they would be heavily terrified.
Being asked about ambitions and I say yeah I have some (like I haven't tried to ctb two times in span of a week, experienced unbelievable pain, but cleaned after myself so there's no trace - only in my mind)

I think the only advice I can give for bearing with those feelings is to tell yourself that this is a "peak performance"/ living in theatrum mundi mindset("life as a theatre", a trope in art and literature). But I know, when mental pain is 9-10/10 and you're active risk to yourself, it feels too suffocating to pretend and want to act on it or just cry in someone's arms. I also observed in myself that staying too much in it eats my sanity.

Absolutely. I've even told my housemate, "If you could see only a fraction of my thoughts, you'd be terrified", or, "If you had to live in my head for one day, you'd blow your brains out".

And the part where you said all your brain can think is, "End, end, end"... I get that. Most of the time, when I'm doing a task, every other thought is, "just kill yourself". Like, if I'm doing laundry, "Put clothing in washer, kill self, put in soap, kill self, close lid, kill self, etc".

To say it's exhausting is an understatement.

 

[HopelessScientist]

I lie to my partner and one of my best friends, it is horrible. I feel like I am betraying them. It breaks my heart so much to be making plans with my partner, telling them their new shoelaces are pretty, asking them how they are, knowing I'll break their heart. I hate that I'll inevitably hurt them. My other best friend wants to ctb too so I tell him everything.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I lie to my partner and one of my best friends, it is horrible. I feel like I am betraying them. It breaks my heart so much to be making plans with my partner, telling them their new shoelaces are pretty, asking them how they are, knowing I'll break their heart. I hate that I'll inevitably hurt them. My other best friend wants to ctb too so I tell him everything.

I'm glad you have someone else in your private life you can openly talk to. When I was a teen in the early 2000's, no one around me, that i know of, understood my suicidality. And while internet was far less censored than it is now, i wasn't comfortable as a teen telling random strangers how I was feeling.

Even now, I'm very limited with whom I can speak to about this.

 

[HopelessScientist]

I'm glad you have someone else in your private life you can openly talk to. When I was an teen in he early 2000's, no one around me, that i know of, understood my suicidality. And while internet was far less censored than it is now, i wasn't comfortable as a teen telling random strangers how I was feeling.

yeah, when I was a teen in the 2010s, online was my only support. I am so glad I have people in my life I love and who love me. It is a privilege and I appreciate it so much.

You deserve to be heard and listened to. I hope you now have those who care for you as well.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

yeah, when I was a teen in the 2010s, online was my only support. I am so glad I have people in my life I love and who love me. It is a privilege and I appreciate it so much.

You deserve to be heard and listened to. I hope you now have those who care for you as well.

Thank you friend. May you find peace.

 

[vinicuit]

i completely relate to that

i live my life just as normal as everyone, i go to college, i work, i go to parties, i spend time with my friends, i figured out how to hide it from everyone around me, and it's very exhausting

i plan to ctb until july and seeing my friends enjoying their lives makes me realise i'm making the right decision, i would never be able to appreciate life like them... i'm incapable of seeing any sense on any of this. but it's exhausting to pretend i enjoy just as much as them, and whenever i forget to mask it, they get scared and pitiful