Symbolic Death

[xXiloveyouXx]

I've recently come to grips with the fact that my actions do not cause any kind of affect on my environment. When you accept that nothing you do can truly result in your will being enacted on your surroundings, that you have no control, that you aren't real, you realize the truth is that nothing matters. I don't have control and I only feel in control when I'm doing something that harms me - cutting, smoking, etc. It must be the same for everyone and they just don't know it. We all end up in the same place. All of our creations get ground into dust.

The culprit, of course, is the concept of time itself, for if you could stop, freeze, destroy time, you could preserve something beautiful forever. It's time that turns the beautiful into the decrepit. If you want to want to preserve anything beautiful, if I want to exert control over an existence where I have none, then I have to die. It's only through dying that the symbolic order collapses and that I can finally experience being real. This lack inside of me that makes me project a fantasy onto any object I desire can finally be filled and I can return to a feeling of wholeness that being birthed into this world separates you from. I'll have gotten the jump on time before it can age me into a corpse and I will finally be alive.