Venting Survival of the Un-Fittest 10/14/23

[irregularreconcile]

Today is another hard day, lol. My mind is getting louder and louder, I hate my body and everything that's led me to where I'm at.

Today I tried to draw, I've been listening to music, but I'm gonna lay down in a bit. Some really loud shit is on my mind, though, and I wanted to get it out first.

Not sure why I'm jealous of my partner, who loves me unconditionally. I'm crumbling beside them, and I hate the day they know I've passed. It won't be soon, but I'm sure the day will come sooner than expected, like all things. I need to plan the date and method for my CTB still, and I'm still debating (Selfishly, I don't know if anyone else struggles with this,) if I want the CTB to either work or fail. I've got a lot of logistics to work out until that point, but I'm still planning for my CTB to be in about 2 years.

I wonder now if I can even make it that long, though. My body and mind is so, so broken, and every day I'm thinking about downing all my pills now. I never even considered that before, and I doubt it would even work, but my own desperateness scares me some days. Music drowns out the thoughts only so much. I want to finish my goals in the next 2 years and finish all my letters so I can die in peace, knowing my friends will have something left over.

I want to leave a mark, because I know I can't survive under this pain, but I don't want to waste my talent. I'm thinking of publishing a book, maybe? My chosen family can decide what to do with my other art after I pass.

A lot of thoughts today. This is just a vent, but if you read, thanks. I hope your day is going as good as it can be.

 

[doneforlife]

Today is another hard day, lol. My mind is getting louder and louder, I hate my body and everything that's led me to where I'm at.

Today I tried to draw, I've been listening to music, but I'm gonna lay down in a bit. Some really loud shit is on my mind, though, and I wanted to get it out first.

Not sure why I'm jealous of my partner, who loves me unconditionally. I'm crumbling beside them, and I hate the day they know I've passed. It won't be soon, but I'm sure the day will come sooner than expected, like all things. I need to plan the date and method for my CTB still, and I'm still debating (Selfishly, I don't know if anyone else struggles with this,) if I want the CTB to either work or fail. I've got a lot of logistics to work out until that point, but I'm still planning for my CTB to be in about 2 years.

I wonder now if I can even make it that long, though. My body and mind is so, so broken, and every day I'm thinking about downing all my pills now. I never even considered that before, and I doubt it would even work, but my own desperateness scares me some days. Music drowns out the thoughts only so much. I want to finish my goals in the next 2 years and finish all my letters so I can die in peace, knowing my friends will have something left over.

I want to leave a mark, because I know I can't survive under this pain, but I don't want to waste my talent. I'm thinking of publishing a book, maybe? My chosen family can decide what to do with my other art after I pass.

A lot of thoughts today. This is just a vent, but if you read, thanks. I hope your day is going as good as it can be.

Publishing a book ! Wow. What do you write... fiction?

 

[irregularreconcile]

Publishing a book ! Wow. What do you write... fiction?

Thanks for asking; I write fiction and poetry :^) I've won an award for my poetry before... I'd like to publish something one day that might help people ^_^

 

[doneforlife]

Thanks for asking; I write fiction and poetry :^) I've won an award for my poetry before... I'd like to publish something one day that might help people ^_^

Welcome. I had read that there is a direct correlation between pain and poetry..lol. I don't know but wish you the best.