Story Suicide note to my therapist and pro-lifers

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I'm ending my life by the end of the week and figured I'd post my suicide note to my therapist on here. It has quotes at the end of it from various members on here, from Reddit, and from various books. I don't expect anyone to read it and I don't expect any pro lifer to learn anything from it either but I think some of you will like the quotes at the end of it at least.

I used protonmail, delayed email, Tor, and a VPN for privacy. I'll be crossing my name out the day before I leave and hopefully nothing will go wrong(method is SN). Thanks for all the insightful quotes from SS particularly the ones from @purplemoon and thanks to this site I managed to meet at least one good person before I died.

Suicide note: It might require a copy-paste to work

Penzu

Free personal journal and online diary.

penzu.com

 

[TAW122]

This is a really well written note and lots of good quotes. I'm sorry that life has been horrible to you, to me, and just about all of us here in this small community. I really hope that you are able to find the long lasting peace that you have been seeking for over three decades.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

This is a really well written note and lots of good quotes. I'm sorry that life has been horrible to you, to me, and just about all of us here in this small community. I really hope that you are able to find the long lasting peace that you have been seeking for over three decades.

Thanks for the kind words. It often takes me a really long time to articulate myself well and I'm surprised I managed to even finish my suicide note. Good luck with finding your peace as well and thanks for your insightful posts as well(I do read them but I mostly just lurk). A few of my quotes are actually from several of your threads!

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm ending my life by the end of the week and figured I'd post my suicide note to my therapist on here. It has quotes at the end of it from various members on here, from Reddit, and from various books. I don't expect anyone to read it and I don't expect any pro lifer to learn anything from it either but I think some of you will like the quotes at the end of it at least.

I used protonmail, delayed email, Tor, and a VPN for privacy. I'll be crossing my name out the day before I leave and hopefully nothing will go wrong(method is SN). Thanks for all the insightful quotes from SS particularly the ones from @purplemoon and thanks to this site I managed to meet at least one good person before I died.

Suicide note: It might require a copy-paste to work

Penzu

Free personal journal and online diary.

penzu.com

That is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I feel every word. Thank you for writing this. Be well.

 

[TAW122]

Thanks for the kind words. It often takes me a really long time to articulate myself well and I'm surprised I managed to even finish my suicide note. Good luck with finding your peace as well and thanks for your insightful posts as well(I do read them but I mostly just lurk). A few of my quotes are actually from several of your threads!

I'm honored that some of my ideas from my various threads and posts. I can't seem to pinpoint them, but I assume the idea, point, and essence of it is there, even if worded differently. Thanks for your compassion and support, I hope to find peace preferably this year or at the minimum, earliest convenience.

 

[Green Destiny]

Very well thought out and written. Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I'm honored that some of my ideas from my various threads and posts. I can't seem to pinpoint them, but I assume the idea, point, and essence of it is there, even if worded differently. Thanks for your compassion and support, I hope to find peace preferably this year or at the minimum, earliest convenience.

I probably worded that extremely poorly. I meant that I added a few quotes from your threads in which you referenced other peoples posts from Reddit. Good luck.

 

[Isadeth]

I am in awe of the accuracy you have been able to put into words. I relate on a multitude of levels, and I'm sure most can as well. Thank you for adding to this world. I hope your transition into whatever is next greats you with comfort and finally peace. ♡

 

[lululoo]

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for all your pain and loneliness.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Very well-written. Loved it!

 

[Iamamistake]

This note is so amazing. :') It was almost like reading a story rather than a real note. Good luck and I do hope that you find peace soon.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I didn't expect so many people to read it and like it, thank you.

 

[lululoo]

I didn't expect so many people to read it and like it, thank you.

People notice and respect intelligence and goodness. :)

I just want to add, I relate a lot to your story (I creeped on some of your old posts, sorry). You and I both have the combination of crappy upbringing, life long loneliness, and physical symptoms likely stemming from trauma. Though you are male and a bit younger than me, I relate so much to you. I am so sorry for all you have been through.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

Woah, this is a really good suicide note?! I'm sorry, that sounds bad and insinuates something terrible but I do wish I could write and articulate my feelings so clearly. I think the reason I'm drawn to the way it's written is because you explained yourself so well. I'm writing a note specifically to lessen the burden on my family as much as possible, not to tell them where they went wrong and make them suffer for it. Compared to yours, mine's reads so lazily and fake. If my parents didn't love me, I'd aim for a letter written like yours though!

edit: decided to reread again and actually understand 100% of what you're saying instead of taking like 99% to admire your writing and saying how you feel in a understandable way. I hope it's okay to reread this whenever I need to because it's going to be really helpful when I'm suicidal. God, the stuff about the cruelty of the world and living because it's the kindest thing to do to yourself is EXACTLY how I feel and I'm so happy I can see it in word form! Like, suddenly I can nod my head and be like "Yeah, what the hell, he's right!" and I don't feel that bad about killing myself. Thank you for publishing this note because it really helps. I know it sounds stupid but it's helping me understand SO MUCH of how I feel! So thank you again! :)

 

[Jean Améry]

Your message is powerful, spot-on and very well put. I'm sorry you had to suffer so grievously and it makes me angry that there are so many people out there who are treated like shit, marginalized, discarded, abused, ridiculed, maltreated and ultimately dehumanized.

Any reasonable person will see the truth of your arguments and I commend you for taking the time to put down your thoughts in such an eloquent fashion.

If I may I'd suggest that sending this message to your ex-therapist alone would likely be quite ineffective: like you wrote their livelihood depends on sticking to their profession's ideology so that person will likely just ignore everything you said (no matter how true) and go on with their life as usual.

I think you would do all of us and all who are suffering out there a huge favour if you could try to get this very important, clear and pertinent message out there: as many people as possible should hear this so one day real change will be effected. I'd suggest sending to as many news stations, newspapers etcetera as you can, by delayed e-mail or someone you know mailing it for you.

It's sad to read you'll be leaving us soon but I understand. Not in the sense that I've been through what you've been through and felt what you felt but I do know pain and the burning desire to escape it so in that sense I do think I understand.

I don't see myself living out my natural lifespan but in order to give my objectively meaningless life some subjective meaning I decided to write a book about the misery of this world, why it's better never to have children, death and suicide. As is my nature it'll be quite scholary and firmly based on history and philosophy including a critique of psychiatry as a nefarious social, non-medical practice based on pseudo-science.

Given that writing a book of that magnitude and scope will take quite a long time I'll have to endure life's injustice and abject misery for quite some time longer but I do think it's important to protest injustice and let my voice be heard (the book will be delivered to as many institutions as possible).

If we the suicidal don't protest the injustices and injuries committed against us/done to us who will?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Woah, this is a really good suicide note?! I'm sorry, that sounds bad and insinuates something terrible but I do wish I could write and articulate my feelings so clearly. I think the reason I'm drawn to the way it's written is because you explained yourself so well. I'm writing a note specifically to lessen the burden on my family as much as possible, not to tell them where they went wrong and make them suffer for it. Compared to yours, mine's reads so lazily and fake. If my parents didn't love me, I'd aim for a letter written like yours though!

edit: decided to reread again and actually understand 100% of what you're saying instead of taking like 99% to admire your writing and saying how you feel in a understandable way. I hope it's okay to reread this whenever I need to because it's going to be really helpful when I'm suicidal. God, the stuff about the cruelty of the world and living because it's the kindest thing to do to yourself is EXACTLY how I feel and I'm so happy I can see it in word form! Like, suddenly I can nod my head and be like "Yeah, what the hell, he's right!" and I don't feel that bad about killing myself. Thank you for publishing this note because it really helps. I know it sounds stupid but it's helping me understand SO MUCH of how I feel! So thank you again! :)

I think it's much harder to write a heartfelt note to people that are important to you than to write one like mine that has disdain for psychology, humanity, and our society. You are free to reread it whenever and can save it if you'd like. And you're welcome, I didn't expect my note to help anyone either :)

Your message is powerful, spot-on and very well put. I'm sorry you had to suffer so grievously and it makes me angry that there are so many people out there who are treated like shit, marginalized, discarded, abused, ridiculed, maltreated and ultimately dehumanized.

Any reasonable person will see the truth of your arguments and I commend you for taking the time to put down your thoughts in such an eloquent fashion.

If I may I'd suggest that sending this message to your ex-therapist alone would likely be quite ineffective: like you wrote their livelihood depends on sticking to their profession's ideology so that person will likely just ignore everything you said (no matter how true) and go on with their life as usual.

I think you would do all of us and all who are suffering out there a huge favour if you could try to get this very important, clear and pertinent message out there: as many people as possible should hear this so one day real change will be effected. I'd suggest sending to as many news stations, newspapers etcetera as you can, by delayed e-mail or someone you know mailing it for you.

It's sad to read you'll be leaving us soon but I understand. Not in the sense that I've been through what you've been through and felt what you felt but I do know pain and the burning desire to escape it so in that sense I do think I understand.

I don't see myself living out my natural lifespan but in order to give my objectively meaningless life some subjective meaning I decided to write a book about the misery of this world, why it's better never to have children, death and suicide. As is my nature it'll be quite scholary and firmly based on history and philosophy including a critique of psychiatry as a nefarious social, non-medical practice based on pseudo-science.

Given that writing a book of that magnitude and scope will take quite a long time I'll have to endure life's injustice and abject misery for quite some time longer but I do think it's important to protest injustice and let my voice be heard (the book will be delivered to as many institutions as possible).

If we the suicidal don't protest the injustices and injuries committed against us/done to us who will?

I think everyone here would like to write a suicide note to our society that would genuinely change something but our words continue to fall through the cracks. This particular note is being sent out to two of my past therapists and I have roughly 4 days left before I end my life so I don't think I can be bothered to mail it out to others. I wrote it for myself with the assumption that no one would read it anyways and I think that assumption is right. They will hear my words but they will never listen to them if that makes sense. Humanity is still doing the same terrible things over and over again while realistically learning nothing from the lessons of people who are far more empathic and smarter than me. If you'd like, you are free to use my note or mail it to whoever if you find it useful, but I personally don't believe my words will make any difference when even Gandhi's words fell on deaf ears.

Thank you for the kind words and good luck with your book. Sorry if what I wrote didn't make any sense, I'm having bad brain fog at the moment and am having trouble focusing.

Edit: There might be a small chance that one of my therapists will listen and that's because someone in her family committed suicide.

 

[cursum.perficio]

Great note. I wish you peace.

 

[Abgrundanziehung]

EmbraceOfTheVoid, I found your post here after idly searching methods like I've been doing on a regular basis for years now. Decided to make an account just to reply. I ready your entire note and it sounded exactly like what I've thought most of my life. You said you want to die because you're worth more than all this. I've been trying to say this to counselors and psychiatrists the last few years and not a one of them has anything useful to say in response. It's a shame since people like us actually see and feel so much of the world that most people either don't or pretend not too, and we're the mentally ill?? I also have fibromyalgia (started from a tick bite in 1st grade), live with my dad and ex boyfriend and am about the same age as you (30). I appreciate your use of quotes. Reminds me of one of my favorites from Michel de Montaigne "I quote others only in order the better to express myself." I have to tell you since you mentioned Chester Bennington that he meant so much to me over the years that I recently named one of my rabbits Chester Bunnington in his honor. Anyway, what you wrote means a lot to me on a lot of levels and I had to say that. I too usually write paragraphs upon paragraphs and could write much more about how much I relate to all that, but I'll spare you.

 

[Philosykos]

From the bottom of my heart I wish to thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I'm only halfway through all the quotes you have collected but everything you wrote yourself was very understandable to me. I can't say that I feel the same on every subject; my personal struggles have a lot to do with things I have done myself and a mind that won't allow for psychological rest. It was interesting and enlightening to read a somewhat different perspective and experience and it did give me the courage to admit that no, not everything is my own fault. It may be the 'adult' or 'mature' thing to say that, to take responsibility onto your own shoulders only. But you know what? Fuck that. This isn't only my own fault. I have been dealt a difficult hand in life, which wasn't fair. The world is an ugly place that, try as I might, won't ever be reconcilable with me as a person. Yes, it has its pockets of light, of beauty and love. But they are so few and far between, that I don't see the point in spending a lifetime trudging through the dark, trying to find them and not being able to hold onto them for very long anyway.

And oh boy, your opinion on the whole profession of psychology hits home. I thought I was the crazy one, the one who just doesn't try hard enough, the one too lazy to do something about my circumstances. But what you wrote was eye opening. The meaningless platitudes and useless advice on how to better my life and mindset are so common. I was advised to get into healthy habits, to schedule my life and hold onto that. I did. I did as I was told. And it helped me get a sense of control and comfort. But it did nothing to fix the underlying issues, did not address the root of my problems that got me here in the first place. Ultimately, all this did was giving me a false sense, an illusion of everything being fine. But my anxiety and depression don't care about that shit. I was a depressed person without structure in my daily life, now I'm just a depressed person who makes lists.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

And oh boy, your opinion on the whole profession of psychology hits home. I thought I was the crazy one, the one who just doesn't try hard enough, the one too lazy to do something about my circumstances. But what you wrote was eye opening. The meaningless platitudes and useless advice on how to better my life and mindset are so common. I was advised to get into healthy habits, to schedule my life and hold onto that. I did. I did as I was told. And it helped me get a sense of control and comfort. But it did nothing to fix the underlying issues, did not address the root of my problems that got me here in the first place. Ultimately, all this did was giving me a false sense, an illusion of everything being fine. But my anxiety and depression don't care about that shit. I was a depressed person without structure in my daily life, now I'm just a depressed person who makes lists.

EmbraceOfTheVoid,You said you want to die because you're worth more than all this. I've been trying to say this to counselors and psychiatrists the last few years and not a one of them has anything useful to say in response. It's a shame since people like us actually see and feel so much of the world that most people either don't or pretend not too, and we're the mentally ill??

Most of them unfortunately don't have any special insight into our problems and try to focus on reintegrating us into society with generic advice that's not much better than what is find outside of therapy. If you don't address the underlying issues (trauma, loneliness, etc.) and continue to live in toxic environments(that includes society itself) then your behavior/feelings will never realistically change. As @Philosykos said, now he's just a depressed person who makes lists and doesn't have any of his problems addressed.

A majority of people don't need to be told to find relationships, jobs, hobbies, etc. If I had access to all this "help" they're talking about I'd be getting things like MDMA therapy to re-establish safety/address my repressed trauma, I'd have a guaranteed income & home, and I'd be socially reintegrating into groups with other suicidal people who might understand what I'm feeling in an attempt to curb loneliness.

If I were to compare what most Psychologists do it'd be equivalent to a medical doctor applying dirty bandaids(involuntary commitment, emotional coldness, fake positive regard, generic advice, etc) on a third degree burn victim and then patting themselves on the back that they helped. Being given generic advice and talking about feelings works for "normal" people who have problems equivalent to a papercut which they could've addressed themselves by simply putting on a bandaid.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I appreciate your use of quotes. Reminds me of one of my favorites from Michel de Montaigne "I quote others only in order the better to express myself." I have to tell you since you mentioned Chester Bennington that he meant so much to me over the years that I recently named one of my rabbits Chester Bunnington in his honor.

All of the quotes from here and other places definitely helped me better express myself. Many of them put into words things that I couldn't articulate well on my own and eventually helped me write my suicide note. I just realized that said "Bunnington" :)

A lot of his music over the years helped me as well and a lot of it was one very long suicide note in his lyrics.

 

[Abgrundanziehung]

If I had access to all this "help" they're talking about I'd be getting things like MDMA therapy to re-establish safety/address my repressed trauma, I'd have a guaranteed income & home, and I'd be socially reintegrating into groups with other suicidal people who might understand what I'm feeling in an attempt to curb loneliness.

It makes me so angry that some of the best treatments out there are either illegal or not covered by insurance or just completely dismissed. I've been interested in using things like shrooms, MDMA, or ayahuasca to heal after reading Psychedelic Healing by Neal M. Goldsmith. I know the one time I used shrooms was the most profoundly impactful "therapy" I've ever tried. One thing I keep telling myself to stay alive is I need to learn to grow them and maybe I can heal more from some of my horrific trauma. Conventional treatment has done fuckall for me so far.

You seem like an interesting person and it makes me so sad that you have to go. Some of the people the world needs most can't find a way to make it in such a backwards society. I have no idea what happens (or doesn't happen) after we go, but I'm certain it's better than endless suffering. If for any reason, you find yourself still here longer than you expected, let me (us) know. I don't know you, but can relate so much and am here to listen if you need it, and I know so many others on here are too. I know people just say that shit, but I really mean it.

All of the quotes from here and other places definitely helped me better express myself. Many of them put into words things that I couldn't articulate well on my own and eventually helped me write my suicide note. I just realized that said "Bunnington" :)

A lot of his music over the years helped me as well and a lot of it was one very long suicide note in his lyrics.

Mr Bunnington is the sweetest, craziest emotional support animal. I've been wanting to name a rabbit after Chester even before he died. Right after I picked him and his sister Juniper up, I stopped at a gas station that was playing "Numb" at the pumps. I cried a little. Been a fan since Crawling came out. World feels so much more wrong for me with him gone.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

It makes me so angry that some of the best treatments out there are either illegal or not covered by insurance or just completely dismissed. I've been interested in using things like shrooms, MDMA, or ayahuasca to heal after reading Psychedelic Healing by Neal M. Goldsmith. I know the one time I used shrooms was the most profoundly impactful "therapy" I've ever tried. One thing I keep telling myself to stay alive is I need to learn to grow them and maybe I can heal more from some of my horrific trauma. Conventional treatment has done fuckall for me so far.

That's exactly how it is, the best treatments are behind a paywall and that includes therapists that actually know what they're doing; most are just twiddling their thumbs having a social club with us. I'd recommend looking up Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds as they are easy to buy, not illegal, and have a psychedelic effect. I considered using them ages ago but decided against it as I didn't want to suffer some kind of psychotic break from repressed trauma or something. Just make sure you get the skin off the seeds or you'll get extremely nauseous and make sure you buy ones that aren't sprayed with insecticides etc. They are cheap and easy to buy.

You seem like an interesting person and it makes me so sad that you have to go. Some of the people the world needs most can't find a way to make it in such a backwards society. I have no idea what happens (or doesn't happen) after we go, but I'm certain it's better than endless suffering. If for any reason, you find yourself still here longer than you expected, let me (us) know. I don't know you, but can relate so much and am here to listen if you need it, and I know so many others on here are too. I know people just say that shit, but I really mean it.

Thanks for the kind words and you're right there are a lot of people that can't make it in this society. People expect us to just continue living for the sake of it without offering any real forms of help. When it comes down to it the world is just about survival and humanity pretends that it helps the ones that are less fortunate.

I was suppose to leave tonight but my friend who has been involuntary committed for 6 weeks has just been released(haven't spoken in 2 weeks) so I'm delaying it for now. It's going to break her heart either way I suppose :(

Mr Bunnington is the sweetest, craziest emotional support animal. I've been wanting to name a rabbit after Chester even before he died. Right after I picked him and his sister Juniper up, I stopped at a gas station that was playing "Numb" at the pumps. I cried a little. Been a fan since Crawling came out. World feels so much more wrong for me with him gone.

I like the name Juniper too, it's a cute name. I still have one of the original albums from like 20 years ago lying about somewhere, I think it was Meteora.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Hang in there. Would it be worse to see her first then do it?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Hang in there. Would it be worse to see her first then do it?

I've never met her in person; I met her on here and she lives halfway across the world. We've been talking actively for 6-7 months and even if I could meet her in person it'd probably make the grief worse. Thanks for the kind words.

 

[Abgrundanziehung]

That's exactly how it is, the best treatments are behind a paywall and that includes therapists that actually know what they're doing; most are just twiddling their thumbs having a social club with us. I'd recommend looking up Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds as they are easy to buy, not illegal, and have a psychedelic effect. I considered using them ages ago but decided against it as I didn't want to suffer some kind of psychotic break from repressed trauma or something. Just make sure you get the skin off the seeds or you'll get extremely nauseous and make sure you buy ones that aren't sprayed with insecticides etc. They are cheap and easy to buy.

I was suppose to leave tonight but my friend who has been involuntary committed for 6 weeks has just been released(haven't spoken in 2 weeks) so I'm delaying it for now. It's going to break her heart either way I suppose :(

I like the name Juniper too, it's a cute name. I still have one of the original albums from like 20 years ago lying about somewhere, I think it was Meteora.

Lol. Social club is right. My most helpful counselor was my first one who also had lymphodema, fibro, etc. She had actually been through all the same systems I'm having to deal with and would rave about how incompetent the medical and behavioral health systems are and give me real advice. She would always say what a troublemaker she is. I liked her immediately. Unfortunately, it was just a social club meeting really. It was like talking to a friend, but she couldn't help me with any deeper issues. She ended up quitting her practice but I never found out why. I just started seeing a different counselor (covered by my medicaid) I saw a couple years ago who specializes among other things on navigating the medical system, advocating for your needs and has a lot of experience with alternative medicine. Plus her husband is a SSD lawyer and if my appeal for my disability case isn't approved I think I'm gonna need to lawyer up. Hoping I can be honest with her about wanting to use psychedelics and my current use of things like kratom. Don't even get me started with the bullshit they say about kratom if you haven't heard about it.

I just looked up the Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds. I'm shocked I haven't heard of those before. I have to do some research, but I definitely think I'll be ordering those. I get being worried about a psychotic break and all though. My ex has unimaginable trauma from his birth family (he was adopted), especially his father doing things to him like taking him out of his crib and hitting him against a wall at 7 months old, stepping on his head, starving him and his siblings or making him eat cat poop, on and on. He has all kinds of memories that he isn't even sure are real because he was so young. He wants to try some entheogens to find some healing too. He might have some kind of mental break but he's willing to risk it.

When you mentioned Meteora, I instantly thought of the intro track with that thunder and the hammering sound followed by the breaking noise that perfectly transitioned into the first song. Still remember it clearly even though I had to double check on youtube to make sure it wasn't just my imagination lol. My middle school self thought that was so cool.

I'm happy for the sake of your friend that she got out before you left. I know all about sticking around for other people but that can only get you so far. There has to be something worth living for. If the odds are so stacked against you, at some point death might be the best answer and people shouldn't be blamed for that choice. I think the society and the planet would so much better with less of us, and in that way I think suicide does a net good for society. It hurts the people around you, sure, but if a person really feels like they have to go, at least the planet is slightly less burdened. That makes me sound a little sociopathic, but I mean that in the best way possible. So weird to me that we're only officially allowed to talk about it as a bad thing. It's not fair that a person with a terminal illness gets time to properly say goodbye to their loved ones and just be open in general about dying so they can properly grieve the loss of their own life. No, you get involuntarily committed and I can tell you from experience that there's nothing kind about that. I have flashbacks on a daily basis from the 9 days and the direct and indirect abuse I experienced there years ago. I hope your friend came out of her stay ok.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's not fair that a person with a terminal illness gets time to properly say goodbye to their loved ones and just be open in general about dying so they can properly grieve the loss of their own life.

It's not always great for them, either. Natural death still brings out selfishness and self-centeredness in family and loved ones. For instance, my friend's mother had terminal cancer, and she declined chemo because it would only extend her life by two months and she would still suffer, so she opted to not have it. Her many siblings lost their shit for those two months and at the funeral. They called her selfish and pulled every guilt and shame card. It was all about them. They gave no fucks about her suffering or dignity. Fortunately, her husband and daughter supported her and her decision, but the siblings made it rough for everyone those last months of her life. I think death just brings that out of many/most people even if it's not suicide. Death seems to bring out selfishness, whether it's about inheritances or funeral/burial choices or how the person chose to die if they had any choice at all. People just want to blame to discharge their discomfort, and be soothed by getting whatever they want. The deaths of others brings out the idiots, the assholes, and the selfish little children inside most people.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I just started seeing a different counselor (covered by my medicaid) I saw a couple years ago who specializes among other things on navigating the medical system, advocating for your needs and has a lot of experience with alternative medicine. Plus her husband is a SSD lawyer and if my appeal for my disability case isn't approved I think I'm gonna need to lawyer up. Hoping I can be honest with her about wanting to use psychedelics and my current use of things like kratom. Don't even get me started with the bullshit they say about kratom if you haven't heard about it.

You will definitely need a lawyer because SSI/SSDI is a complete joke and is mainly aimed at providing money for people who are physically disabled. They don't really care unless you have Schizophrenia and probably not even then. When I went to their medical doctors for assessment they basically just check if you are functioning well enough cognitively; they don't care if you live in constant suffering. The people there didn't even know what dissociative PTSD was and trying to explain symptoms like mine was a waste of time to people who outright assume you're lying or don't take their job seriously. Having a degree doesn't make these people smart and it doesn't mean that they have a shred of moral integrity so a lawyer is pretty much a requirement.

I just looked up the Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds. I'm shocked I haven't heard of those before. I have to do some research, but I definitely think I'll be ordering those. I get being worried about a psychotic break and all though. My ex has unimaginable trauma from his birth family (he was adopted), especially his father doing things to him like taking him out of his crib and hitting him against a wall at 7 months old, stepping on his head, starving him and his siblings or making him eat cat poop, on and on. He has all kinds of memories that he isn't even sure are real because he was so young. He wants to try some entheogens to find some healing too. He might have some kind of mental break but he's willing to risk it.

If you do try anything like that I'd recommend doing it around someone you trust if you have anyone. I have mild psychogenic seizures from a somewhat repressed memory and I can barely remember anything at all from the first 10 years of my life so I can kind of relate.

I'm happy for the sake of your friend that she got out before you left. I know all about sticking around for other people but that can only get you so far. There has to be something worth living for. If the odds are so stacked against you, at some point death might be the best answer and people shouldn't be blamed for that choice.

She is worse off with her mental problems than she was before the psychiatric ward but she's home at least.

I've accepted things as they are and there isn't an escape for me other than suicide. Lying to myself that there is some kind of genuine alternative other than poverty, loneliness, etc. would be pointless. I can't help myself and society isn't willing to help either so my only choice ends up being suicide; if you can even call that a real choice at all.

I think the society and the planet would so much better with less of us, and in that way I think suicide does a net good for society. It hurts the people around you, sure, but if a person really feels like they have to go, at least the planet is slightly less burdened. That makes me sound a little sociopathic, but I mean that in the best way possible. So weird to me that we're only officially allowed to talk about it as a bad thing. It's not fair that a person with a terminal illness gets time to properly say goodbye to their loved ones and just be open in general about dying so they can properly grieve the loss of their own life. No, you get involuntarily committed and I can tell you from experience that there's nothing kind about that. I have flashbacks on a daily basis from the 9 days and the direct and indirect abuse I experienced there years ago. I hope your friend came out of her stay ok.

I'm an antinatalist so I personally don't see anything wrong with your comment; though my suicide somehow helping this fucked up society does rub me the wrong way lol. If it were up to me I'd sterilize all of humanity if I had the chance so I don't see your comment as sociopathic at all. Human beings are extremely selfish and approach problems mainly through their emotions and focus on the immediate present when they need to look at problems like suicide from a more objective and rational perspective.

We still have things like psychiatric prisons because selfish families are placing their needs(forcing someone to live against their will) above the needs of the people that are suffering. If their relatives, society, and human beings in general aren't going to help the suicidal person in any meaningful way or if their problems aren't fixable then they need to let people commit suicide in peace. Imprisoning people doesn't prevent suicide; it just delays it. I can't recall a single moment in history where manipulation, coercion, force, and cruelty accomplished any good but these people are too ignorant to look past their selfish feelings to realize that. Someone with as broken of a brain as mine should not have to teach full grown adults(pro-lifers) who came from loving homes about morality.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

This is so well written. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Abgrundanziehung]

You will definitely need a lawyer because SSI/SSDI is a complete joke and is mainly aimed at providing money for people who are physically disabled. They don't really care unless you have Schizophrenia and probably not even then. When I went to their medical doctors for assessment they basically just check if you are functioning well enough cognitively; they don't care if you live in constant suffering. The people there didn't even know what dissociative PTSD was and trying to explain symptoms like mine was a waste of time to people who outright assume you're lying or don't take their job seriously. Having a degree doesn't make these people smart and it doesn't mean that they have a shred of moral integrity so a lawyer is pretty much a requirement.

I know what you mean. There it's infuriating how dysfunctional the system is and how ignorant so many people who are a part of it are. I'm sad to hear that's how it went for you. What they put people through should be considered abuse. The process has made all my mental health issues much worse from stress and triggering my ptsd. I have had a lot of help from Autism Alliance even though I only suspect I'm on the spectrum. They have a woman there who specializes in helping people with the disability process and has been walking me through every step of it, literally staying on the phone with me for hours while I fill paperwork out, going over my function report and making sure I'm saying the right things. I'm pretty much certain I'll be going with a lawyer though. I keep being told it's very possible to win with mental conditions, it's just they expect you to explain things in a very certain way and all kinds of other little rules and expectations that don't make a lot of sense.

She is worse off with her mental problems than she was before the psychiatric ward but she's home at least.

Of course she's worse. That's a really long stay. I was so severely traumatized when I was committed, but immediately dissociated and pretended to be better than I was so I could get out as soon as possible and was only "sentenced" to 9 days. The trauma still effects me every day.

I'm an antinatalist so I personally don't see anything wrong with your comment; though my suicide somehow helping this fucked up society does rub me the wrong way lol.

It really is a special skill of mine to say things that are supposed to be helpful in the most twisted and not-helpful way possible. What I meant to say was that I try and comfort myself with the thought that that if and when I do go, at least there will be less humans on the planet. What I actually wrote was insane and did not come out right. Vodka was telling me at the time that everything I was writing was fine and would somehow be comforting. I'm sorry that was just bizarre and offensive. I realized I'm an anti-natalist as well a couple years or so ago.

Someone with as broken of a brain as mine should not have to teach full grown adults(pro-lifers) who came from loving homes about morality.

Most people's limited understanding of morality is truly astounding to me.