Venting Suicide is not immune to procrastination

[SomewhatLoved]

I have been suicidal for pretty much my whole life but until about a year or two ago it had pretty much always been passive, so I never really "pursued it" or "sought it out". Obviously that changed. I procrastinate a lot. I sort of imagine a lot of people here do, because we most of us (if not all) probably lack motivation or reason to put effort into life. Personally, a lot of the time I find myself putting things off because I feel like there is no reason or value in various things because I find no value in life.

Because of that reasoning I sort of imagined (when I was passive) that pursuing suicide would be immune to procrastination. It's the opposite of putting effort into life, you are literally putting effort into actively dying. But no, suicide is absolutely 100% prone to procrastination, at least in my experience. If I have no energy to go do "living" things, then I guess it makes sense that there's no energy to go work towards dying.

Just a thought that's been on my mind recently. Maybe it means I don't have reason enough to end my own life, because if it was really so unbearable I probably would've done it by now. Maybe it means that I really see such little value in myself that not even ending my life carries value as an action to make it worth carrying out. idk.

 

[oneirataxia]

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head for the headspace I've been in, procrastinating on suicide. I probably could've gotten everything in place already, but I just don't... feel like it. I don't feel scared of dying by gunshot, because I know I'd be dead in an instant. Crazy how you can get so depressed that it prolongs your suicide instead of bringing you right there.

 

[Pluto]