Suicide has become my absolute fantasy, I am empty.

[thaelyana]

Hey: It's been a long time since I last came to this section of the site. I'll keep it short, because if I developed my whole vision of life, it would go on for pages (for the curious, here's the thread, it's kind of an essay).

I'm empty, truly empty. Yet I would never say I'm sad, it's not that (And I wouldn't take it from my life because I love it as it is) To me, my life even if from the outside it might look like it shines, isn't worth much. It doesn't bore me, but I find no meaning in it. And even without being sad, I want to die. Not just die: I want to KILL MYSELF, because it feels like the only way to end one's life in an enlightened way. You'll understand better if you read my thread.

Suicide has become a fantasy for me. I hang myself partially for the pleasure of touching the death of the fingers, I imagine myself jumping on the rails, jumping off a bridge.. I think about suicide several times a day, it's daily.. even if I'm fine. Especially when I'm fine. You know I love being empty, I don't try to fill this void, I like my situation. I love it.

It's so contradictory with what everyone thinks: normally, one commits suicide when suffering from something. My emptiness doesn't make me suffer the way people imagine; I WANT to kill myself. And honestly, I think it's a valid reason, because in the end we lose nothing by doing it, and I don't see why deciding one's own end should be condemned, with or without justification, whether we have a bright future or not. I'm doing fine in my life. I'm just empty, and I want to die.

 

[VoidedExistence]

Yeah, pretty much everywhere I am, I always imagine how I would kill myself there. I have only ever thought of suicide as my only solution to all life's troubles, and I fucking want all my troubles gone. When all I want is suicide, it's difficult to care for anything else. So I have been losing everything and I have hallowed out on the inside. I don't feel like I want anything, so I don't want anything. All I want is my troubles gone away and the only way is to kill myself.

 

[simji_is_offline]

Sometimes the only thing that brings me back from a panic attack is imagining how I would do it. Even impractical ways like letting myself run out of breath underwater. It's weirdly soothing.