I have very bad, untreated ptsd and was psychotic for 2 years. A lot of the time when I think about ctb there are a lot of social reasons involved. I'll think that I'm removing myself from the community to help keep it safe. Somehow the role of predator and victim got switched in my mind and even though I was SA'd for many years I now think of myself as predatory and dangerous even though I have no history of SA'ing others and no desire to hurt anyone.
Every time someone rings the doorbell I think it's the cops out to get me. When I leave the house I have an "act normal" mentality which results in me acting really weird. The fact that I know my life will end in suicide makes me feel like even more of a criminal like I'm some gross creep in the community. Basically I'm terrified all the time, even at home and I won't tell anyone irl about it because I'm afraid I'll be taken away.
Every time someone rings the doorbell I think it's the cops out to get me. When I leave the house I have an "act normal" mentality which results in me acting really weird. The fact that I know my life will end in suicide makes me feel like even more of a criminal like I'm some gross creep in the community. Basically I'm terrified all the time, even at home and I won't tell anyone irl about it because I'm afraid I'll be taken away.
