Suicide and hurting others

[stromflez]

I think one of the main things influencing suicidal thoughts on a day to day basis for me is the fact that I have done some horrible things to people in my time being alive. Growing up, a lot of my habits were built solely on whether or not it felt good. I didnt put much thought into my actions and lived life mostly off feelings, and so this resulted in me making a lot of stupid decisions.

Recently someone very important to me decided that we cant be in each others lives anymore because of how much of an unhealthy dependency we had towards each other.

The reality though, is that ive done many things that would hurt this person and never told them about it. I lived with this guilt the entirity of our relationship and would constantly pile up lies to justify my actions to myself. Im now at a point where everything has came crumbling down and i see myself for who i really am


I dont have a strong opinion on what makes a person evil or not, however I do think that looking at what ive done, and acknowledging the feelings i had while doing some of these cruel things, it is pretty clear that i enjoyed being a piece of shit.


And a lot of these habits are still with me today. Being more conscious of myself in the current moment, im always making an effort to leave this other person alone and in general keep to myself and away from others. Ive found that when i get close to people, my natural choices usually puts me in a situation where i am hurting others.

So on my day to day basis, I stick to just going through dopamine cycles (drugs) to keep me from being so miserable that i start dragging others down with me, but now Im leading a life alone, with no one i can trust, accomplishing none of my goals and living with the fact that I know im capable of some cruel things. I dont want to be a bad person, but being selfish and putting myself ahead of others is just what im used to at this point, and im not really sure what i can do to rewire myself to not be a detriment to society, without hurting myself directly.


So I tell myself maybe I should just die lol. There are people who care about me, but if they are to be aware of some of the things ive done, maybe they wouldnt feel as bad if they knew why i decided to kill myself.

Alas, reality isnt like that. Many of the people in my life right now would be heavily affected and I dont want to put that on anyone. I dont want to hurt people anymore.

If I kill myself, I will hurt others.

If I don't, the easiest way to keep myself from hurting others is by hurting myself.


I dont know how to move on. Every day i feel so guilty for doing the things ive done. But i cant even kill myself because that would only mean i died being the person i dont want to be.

 

[flesh object]

Hello, I have been in the same boat with hurting people, I've had a lot of issues in the past, especially growing up that is all just regret now. I had my own personal issues going on in life and the way I vented that anger and frustration was being extremely passive/passive aggressive to those around me.

I hurt an individual when I was in school, they cared for me and they put up with everything I said. I felt horrible after growing up and realizing that the issues were in myself and not other people, it took quite awhile for me to confront reality.

I don't want to explain too much as this is about you and not me, however I wanted to show that I empathize and relate on some level.

However, it took me multiple years for me to apologize, the individual knew that I was going through hardships in life, however every person has a reason for acting the way they do, humans are extremely complicated. Not everyone is a harmful and destructive person without reason, and that also goes for, not everyone can be perfect or be extremely optimistic in situations, it's a trait that I envy people for.

When it was time for me to apologize to that individual, they told me that the only way for them to forgive me, was for me to forgive myself.

The best advice I can give is to really talk to yourself about how you feel.

You recognize that you don't want to die being the person you don't want to be, and you don't want to hurt people anymore, however what happens in the past, even if it is the worst thing you have ever done should not be how you see or others see you. Everybody can change, its what occurs when growing up.

You do not want to hurt others, and not wanting to die shows that you have a good heart, and I truly believe that.

Confronting reality and recognizing faults is a step to recovery

 

[jodes2]

Try to live a good life by being kind to others. You can still make a positive difference

 

[card1nal]

Guilt and shame are both extremely hard to live with. A big reason I want to CTB is because as a young child, I did many unforgivable things to people I loved. I'm still trying to come to terms with a lot of it, and I'm trying to realize that the actions I made resulted from my own trauma that I wasn't healing from. It's hard to take responsibility and face the consequences while also trying to forgive and heal yourself, but it's necessary.

What I've been trying to do lately is to admit to myself the things I did, while looking back into my childhood for any patterns. Did the things I do happen to me as a child? Are the actions I take today the actions I saw others take in my childhood? Of course, that doesn't make it all okay, but it's a nice place to start when all you can feel is guilt. It's much harder for you to move on and to be the person you want to be if you can't look past your actions and into what made you do those things.

 

[EndlessDream]

I think one of the main things influencing suicidal thoughts on a day to day basis for me is the fact that I have done some horrible things to people in my time being alive. Growing up, a lot of my habits were built solely on whether or not it felt good. I didnt put much thought into my actions and lived life mostly off feelings, and so this resulted in me making a lot of stupid decisions.

Recently someone very important to me decided that we cant be in each others lives anymore because of how much of an unhealthy dependency we had towards each other.

The reality though, is that ive done many things that would hurt this person and never told them about it. I lived with this guilt the entirity of our relationship and would constantly pile up lies to justify my actions to myself. Im now at a point where everything has came crumbling down and i see myself for who i really am


I dont have a strong opinion on what makes a person evil or not, however I do think that looking at what ive done, and acknowledging the feelings i had while doing some of these cruel things, it is pretty clear that i enjoyed being a piece of shit.


And a lot of these habits are still with me today. Being more conscious of myself in the current moment, im always making an effort to leave this other person alone and in general keep to myself and away from others. Ive found that when i get close to people, my natural choices usually puts me in a situation where i am hurting others.

So on my day to day basis, I stick to just going through dopamine cycles (drugs) to keep me from being so miserable that i start dragging others down with me, but now Im leading a life alone, with no one i can trust, accomplishing none of my goals and living with the fact that I know im capable of some cruel things. I dont want to be a bad person, but being selfish and putting myself ahead of others is just what im used to at this point, and im not really sure what i can do to rewire myself to not be a detriment to society, without hurting myself directly.


So I tell myself maybe I should just die lol. There are people who care about me, but if they are to be aware of some of the things ive done, maybe they wouldnt feel as bad if they knew why i decided to kill myself.

Alas, reality isnt like that. Many of the people in my life right now would be heavily affected and I dont want to put that on anyone. I dont want to hurt people anymore.

If I kill myself, I will hurt others.

If I don't, the easiest way to keep myself from hurting others is by hurting myself.


I dont know how to move on. Every day i feel so guilty for doing the things ive done. But i cant even kill myself because that would only mean i died being the person i dont want to be.

I don't know what you've done but I understand that. I find it extra difficult when I feel like seeking help for the things I've done might get me in trouble. I have to either bottle it up and suffer/CTB, or get in trouble and CTB anyway because of the consequences of telling. It's the worst timeline :) I could just ignore everything, because a lot of what I've done is behind people's backs, but those things are still in my mind and I wanna tell those people because I find it difficult to not be honest. I am impulsive but suicidally remorseful afterwards. What is the point of therapy if talking about what I've done will ruin my life anyway? I'm getting convinced day by day. If anything, I'm doing society a favour by offing myself.

Guilt and shame are both extremely hard to live with. A big reason I want to CTB is because as a young child, I did many unforgivable things to people I loved. I'm still trying to come to terms with a lot of it, and I'm trying to realize that the actions I made resulted from my own trauma that I wasn't healing from. It's hard to take responsibility and face the consequences while also trying to forgive and heal yourself, but it's necessary.

What I've been trying to do lately is to admit to myself the things I did, while looking back into my childhood for any patterns. Did the things I do happen to me as a child? Are the actions I take today the actions I saw others take in my childhood? Of course, that doesn't make it all okay, but it's a nice place to start when all you can feel is guilt. It's much harder for you to move on and to be the person you want to be if you can't look past your actions and into what made you do those things.

I have such a strong desire to fess up and apologise for the wrongs I have done, but sometimes people don't even know I've wronged them. Guilty and shame are one of my strongest feelings, all stemming from my messed up thought patterns from trauma. I have to power to lose most of my friends if I'm honest. Honesty is what I wanna achieve because hiding everything is exhausting. I'd rather take it to the grave sometimes, sometimes I wanna fess up. The tug-o-war is stretching my neurons and creating a void in my mind.

Hello, I have been in the same boat with hurting people, I've had a lot of issues in the past, especially growing up that is all just regret now. I had my own personal issues going on in life and the way I vented that anger and frustration was being extremely passive/passive aggressive to those around me.

I hurt an individual when I was in school, they cared for me and they put up with everything I said. I felt horrible after growing up and realizing that the issues were in myself and not other people, it took quite awhile for me to confront reality.

I don't want to explain too much as this is about you and not me, however I wanted to show that I empathize and relate on some level.

However, it took me multiple years for me to apologize, the individual knew that I was going through hardships in life, however every person has a reason for acting the way they do, humans are extremely complicated. Not everyone is a harmful and destructive person without reason, and that also goes for, not everyone can be perfect or be extremely optimistic in situations, it's a trait that I envy people for.

When it was time for me to apologize to that individual, they told me that the only way for them to forgive me, was for me to forgive myself.

The best advice I can give is to really talk to yourself about how you feel.

You recognize that you don't want to die being the person you don't want to be, and you don't want to hurt people anymore, however what happens in the past, even if it is the worst thing you have ever done should not be how you see or others see you. Everybody can change, its what occurs when growing up.

You do not want to hurt others, and not wanting to die shows that you have a good heart, and I truly believe that.

Confronting reality and recognizing faults is a step to recovery

I definitely don't wanna hurt others but I have some sort of rage and impulse towards others that makes me hate myself and head towards CTB, so I can exterminate the chances of my destruction once and for all.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

I've been really toxic and manipulative in the past, it's something that I've been working on, but I'll still get the want to just be my toxic self from time to time. Regardless of whether I'm actually a bad person or not, I can't help but feel rotten, like there's something rancid inside me, festering and wanting to expand. Part of why I want to CBT is to do a favour to others, as I don't want this rotten thing to cling to them and infect them too

 

[card1nal]

I have such a strong desire to fess up and apologise for the wrongs I have done, but sometimes people don't even know I've wronged them. Guilty and shame are one of my strongest feelings, all stemming from my messed up thought patterns from trauma. I have to power to lose most of my friends if I'm honest. Honesty is what I wanna achieve because hiding everything is exhausting. I'd rather take it to the grave sometimes, sometimes I wanna fess up. The tug-o-war is stretching my neurons and creating a void in my mind.

I completely understand this. I've gone through many periods of wanting to be honest with the people I've wronged, not because they don't know, but because I feel like the situation was never resolved. Sometimes it hurts others more to bring up old wounds or to create fresh ones. I know that "honesty is the best policy", but sometimes it's just better to learn to live with the things you've done wrong. I don't want to push, but I do think that finding a good therapist could at least bring you more peace before you decide to ctb or not. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do, even if others have already forgiven you or will forgive you. A good therapist will not expose your secrets or judge you, their job is to provide a non-judgemental space for you to work out problems like this! Therapy isn't for everyone, but it could at least give you a chance to openly admit to some of the things you've bottled up.

If therapy is an absolute no-go, I've found writing about the things I've done and then destroying the writing to be quite cathartic.

 

[EndlessDream]

I completely understand this. I've gone through many periods of wanting to be honest with the people I've wronged, not because they don't know, but because I feel like the situation was never resolved. Sometimes it hurts others more to bring up old wounds or to create fresh ones. I know that "honesty is the best policy", but sometimes it's just better to learn to live with the things you've done wrong. I don't want to push, but I do think that finding a good therapist could at least bring you more peace before you decide to ctb or not. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do, even if others have already forgiven you or will forgive you. A good therapist will not expose your secrets or judge you, their job is to provide a non-judgemental space for you to work out problems like this! Therapy isn't for everyone, but it could at least give you a chance to openly admit to some of the things you've bottled up.

If therapy is an absolute no-go, I've found writing about the things I've done and then destroying the writing to be quite cathartic.

Writing is good too and venting on this forum has helped a lot :) I find a lot of like-minded people, who are all suicidal but at least have a heart and respects my desires to CTB but doesn't push it. Amazing