Resource Suicidal ideation as a cope and drive

[TAW122]

I normally don't post in the recovery subforum, but I have a good method for those who wish to recover and may help some people as it has been helpful for me. So here is my method of recovery for those who might be interested in trying it. I call it Suicidal ideation as a cope and drive, meaning that I am channeling and using my suicidal ideation as a cope to fight against the current stressors, but also as a drive to do things that I normally wouldn't be motivated, courageous enough, and/or willing to do to begin with. It has helped me achieve several important things in life and actually has kept me alive in 2019.

Of course, how one chooses to implement it will depend on their line of reasoning, personality, thinking patterns, and other variables (so there is no set algorithm or rule on how to go about it). For me, personally, as a logical thinker, I use logic to deduce what I want, how to get what I want, and then even apply a bit of reasoning towards justifying my plan to CTB. Doing so has allowed me tremendous courage, drive, and is a big cope for me to try things that I normally wouldn't have done out of fear of rejection, failure, and other consequences. This is because I had in the back of mind, "well if things fail, I could always CTB later on..." and that has allowed a sense of liberation to do things that I would normally wouldn't do.

For example, last March 2019, I told myself, I am going to meet my ladyfriend of whom I held high regards for and was nervous and scared that things would sour, or the encounter would turn to shit. However, I decided, "fuck it, well I'm going to go meet her and see what happens." After all, if things go poorly, I could always CTB later (originally planned to CTB end of May 2019) and had my method on the ready (CTB via firearm). Amazingly, things went well for me and I postponed my CTB date and CTB in general. The same thing in October 2019, had the goal of losing virginity and once again, I had the same/similar mindset: had things gone towards failure, I would have CTB'ed in December 2019. Once again, I've prevailed and this is why I am around in 2020. 2020 is a bit different for different reasons but that's another topic altogether...

I know some people might already know this, but I feel that it really isn't mentioned much so I figured that this method may be helpful for those who have yet to hear about it. While I myself am currently not going towards the road to recovery (as I have already made up my mind in regards to CTB later this year), it has once helped me before so I feel that it is worthy to share it. Anyways, I hope this resource will be helpful for those who wish to try it and recover.

 

[PaYo]

I was you ten years ago. Thats how long this method keps me alive

 

[56709]

Good thread.

I've implemented something similar lately, getting my method planned out and set up has actually helped my state of mind immensely.
I'm more ambitious and mentally organized than I was a year ago... I'm more daring as well... facing death and knowing that you hold your fate in your hands can be immensely therapeutic in itself. Knowing that there is an exit door puts you at ease.

I hate to be cliche but I'm going to evoke that Nietzsche quote, "It is always consoling to think of suicide, in that one gets through many a bad night"

 

[mesohappy]

Could be helpful and motivational to some..Could be damaging as well,in the long term.Like if a person decides "fuck it,Im not going to try ,not looking for work anymore,run my bills up and not pay,burning all my bridges,doing drugs/unprotected sex.Im just gonna CTB later." Then when it all finally crashes down and its time to do the deed,the person finds that they don't have the courage,or maybe life isn't as bad as they thought.Now they are ruined worse than before they ever thought of CTB..Two sides to every coin,I reckon.Dont be the second guy.

 

[TheLastHumanRight]

I find this way of thinking helpful as well, it gives me the motivation to live life again, and reduces my fear of failure.

Failure can sometimes give permanent scars, scars that makes one fearful of trying again.

 

[Sayo]

This worked extremely well for me, but it is hard to undo as a default association and may increase passive suicidality (if you are on SS, may not be an issue). Also, long-term, I became desensitised to it, because I wanted to die anyway. I used it to threaten and encourage myself into some seriously untenable situations that generated suicidality - resulting in hitting the 'or ctb' phase as I burned out but I couldn't during this period due to living with a long-term carer - so my advice would be to try to use it to improve your life as much as you can. It sounds obvious, but if you have a perfectionist/ambitious personality or use it to motivate yourself for long-term daily living (university, work, etc.), eventually you will just be like 'okay then, I will ctb'.

There were a few years where I was following the path of least resistance at all times, and that could switch very easily between living or dying based on my circumstances, because I was using this method to force myself into an unsustainable lifestyle.

But it's certainly great for putting into perspective your inhibitions (e.g. in the case of wanting to see your love interest) and forcing motivation if you are already this depressed. Good luck OP/everyone else. I really hope you can improve your life and experience positive things, no matter what happens.

 

[TAW122]

@56709 I like the quote, and Nietzsche is on point with his quotes.

@mesohappy Agreed and good points. I don't believe I'd be the second guy, thus I am not going to burn all my bridges (even if I am ready and going to CTB), especially if there is a very, very tiny chance that I don't go through (which shouldn't be the case) and/or things go unplanned and it gets delayed.

@Sayo Thank you for your kind comments. While I've made my decision ultimately, I will enjoy a few others things before my time comes.

 

[Cevapcici]

Has worked for me for a while, two or three years maybe. Now I'm at the point where I failed to accomplish what would have kept me going,things went south, so it's time for me to go before they go from really bad to really bad and pathetic.

 

[WhiteDespair]

This is how I was able to maintain composure when assisting a C-Level executive. I thought, "If I get fired, I always have SN at home."

 

[deadalready]

Could be helpful and motivational to some..Could be damaging as well,in the long term.Like if a person decides "fuck it,Im not going to try ,not looking for work anymore,run my bills up and not pay,burning all my bridges,doing drugs/unprotected sex.Im just gonna CTB later." Then when it all finally crashes down and its time to do the deed,the person finds that they don't have the courage,or maybe life isn't as bad as they thought.Now they are ruined worse than before they ever thought of CTB..Two sides to every coin,I reckon.Dont be the second guy.

You could still continue your life even after you failed that suicide.

 

[BPD Barbie]

While I'm not actively suicidal anymore, I use it as a leaning post. The thought still gives me some comfort and if I make a mistake or things feel hard I have that feeling that suicide is always there for me, it's like an old friend.