Venting stuck with a man i hate

[vanillamilk]

i've been suicidal on and off for years. it's bad again rn because i'm stuck in a relationship i don't want to be in. im 18 and he's in his 40s and it was stupid of me to get with him but i was 17 and dumb and now i see there's a huge power imbalance and stuff and that this relationship isn't okay but im not able to leave he won't let me so i have to kill me or him.

 

[Charmander07]

i've been suicidal on and off for years. it's bad again rn because i'm stuck in a relationship i don't want to be in. im 18 and he's in his 40s and it was stupid of me to get with him but i was 17 and dumb and now i see there's a huge power imbalance and stuff and that this relationship isn't okay but im not able to leave he won't let me so i have to kill me or him.

He sounds like the type that shouldn't exist in this world, but murder probably isn't the right way to go about this. Obviously I don't know your situation, I'm quite scared for you, I dont think you have to do it to yourself either, is there some way you could DM me or some alternative social media I could contact you on, I really want to help if I can. Sorry if this message has been insensitive, I may have been in an abusive relationship but I've never been in your situation specifically

 

[ForsakenEcho]

I'm really sorry that you're stuck in a situation like this.
I understand that it can be extremely difficult, and being trapped in an abusive relationship can really change the way we think and see things. But I don't think murder will help you.
Is there any other way you could seek help? Maybe from family, friends, or something like that?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

How do you mean he won't let you leave?
Are you being held hostage?

 

[iveseenfootage]

Unless you are definitely sure you'd get off on self defense, throwing your life away by committing murder isn't the best move probably. Why exactly can't you leave? Likely an obvious answer, but still worth asking I think.

 

[L.D.50]

you don't deserve to die because a predator took advantage of you, i sincerely hope you manage to get out of this situation safely and asap. you should have the chance to live your life freely, but ending his life will take that chance away for good.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't relate to what you're going through because I've never been in that situation. At this point, there is a chance of you eventually escaping the situation and having a normal life. If you commit murder you will spend the rest of your life in prison. From all the blogs and Redit threads I've read about this it's a horrible place: no privacy, bad food, substandard medical care, lots of boredom, loneliness, mean guards, etc. Whatever you do please don't kill him.

 

[vanillamilk]

How do you mean he won't let you leave?
Are you being held hostage?

i tried to break up with him and i do it really politely and gently and i was like i just don't like older men anymore and i think our age gap is kind of wrong and i don't want that kind of relationship anymore. then he got soo mad and threatened to tell the police things i've done (and he has evidence so it would prob work) and if that didn't work there's infinite more things he could do to punish me. he's such a vengeful person, he's done so much bad to people who just slightly wrong him. he's even kidnapped and tortured a man (allegedly) for owing him a small amount of money. he has never and would never actually kill me tho, he says killing people is giving them an easy way out so he prefers to torture them mentally for the rest of their lives. he has sm money and resources and experience he could so easily ruin my life. ive tried to break up with him a few times in the past too and he threatens me with bad things so i always have to change my mind and be back with him.

Unless you are definitely sure you'd get off on self defense, throwing your life away by committing murder isn't the best move probably. Why exactly can't you leave? Likely an obvious answer, but still worth asking I think.

i think i would be able to unless they find this post lol :(. here's why i can't leave him

i tried to break up with him and i do it really politely and gently and i was like i just don't like older men anymore and i think our age gap is kind of wrong and i don't want that kind of relationship anymore. then he got soo mad and threatened to tell the police things i've done (and he has evidence so it would prob work) and if that didn't work there's infinite more things he could do to punish me. he's such a vengeful person, he's done so much bad to people who just slightly wrong him. he's even kidnapped and tortured a man (allegedly) for owing him a small amount of money. he has never and would never actually kill me tho, he says killing people is giving them an easy way out so he prefers to torture them mentally for the rest of their lives. he has sm money and resources and experience he could so easily ruin my life. ive tried to break up with him a few times in the past too and he threatens me with bad things so i always have to change my mind and be back with him.

idk how to use this site properly sorry im formatting things wrong

 

[vanillamilk]

He sounds like the type that shouldn't exist in this world, but murder probably isn't the right way to go about this. Obviously I don't know your situation, I'm quite scared for you, I dont think you have to do it to yourself either, is there some way you could DM me or some alternative social media I could contact you on, I really want to help if I can. Sorry if this message has been insensitive, I may have been in an abusive relationship but I've never been in your situation specifically

thank you for your message! it was not insensitive. where can we pm? :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think you need to do everything you can to try and get away from him. I'm sure charities exist everywhere to help people escape absusive relationships. You may need a restraining order. Hopefully, you have some evidence of his abuse.

But, killing him will likely mean that then destroys your life too. You'll very likely be caught and go to jail. I don't know if this is the main thing troubling you but- being so young, you could potentially have a better life away from him. Why should you have to die to escape?

I think you definitely need support though. Do you have family or friends who might help? You'd need to be very careful when leaving too. People seem often at the most risk when they try to leave abusive relationships. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

 

[vanillamilk]

I'm so damn sorry this is happening to you I recently ended a 6 and a half year relationship and it was so bad. Kill the bastard for what he has done to you I sure wish id of been brave enough...

you are super brave to have ended that relationship

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

you are super brave to have ended that relationship

Thank you I hope you can also do that and soon. You are worth more I assure you that. Yeah it will be hard but take each day as it comes. Sending you a big virtual hug

 

[vanillamilk]

I think you need to do everything you can to try and get away from him. I'm sure charities exist everywhere to help people escape absusive relationships. You may need a restraining order. Hopefully, you have some evidence of his abuse.

But, killing him will likely mean that then destroys your life too. You'll very likely be caught and go to jail. I don't know if this is the main thing troubling you but- being so young, you could potentially have a better life away from him. Why should you have to die to escape?

I think you definitely need support though. Do you have family or friends who might help? You'd need to be very careful when leaving too. People seem often at the most risk when they try to leave abusive relationships. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

thank you for the advice!! he's never abused me / hurt me physically so i don't think i have enough proof to be able to get a restraining order. i have phone calls and text messages of him threatening me and saying i have to f*ck him even if i don't want to and being very mean but i doubt that's enough to go to the police :c

 

[Forever Sleep]

thank you for the advice!! he's never abused me / hurt me physically so i don't think i have enough proof to be able to get a restraining order. i have phone calls and text messages of him threatening me and saying i have to f*ck him even if i don't want to and being very mean but i doubt that's enough to go to the police :c

I think you should maybe try to see if there are charities or helplines in your area. (I'm sure there will be. Domestic violence is- sadly- prolific.) Obviously contact them from somewhere this guy won't be able to trace it.

But, I imagine they will have a better idea on what is considered legally enough to help you out of that situation. Be so careful though. Just because someone only threatens violence, doesn't mean they're not capable of it.

It saddens me so much people end up in these sorts of relationships. A childhood friend ended up in an abusive relationship. It was heart breaking for everyone to see it.

 

[Charmander07]

thank you for your message! it was not insensitive. where can we pm? :)

I would do it here but I don't know how, I literally have like every social media, if you want to talk there idm

 

[JassieDusk]

This makes me so furious lol. Leave. Just leave. Block him on everything. Report him. Don't stay alone and inform the person you're staying with about him. If he reports you to the police keep in mind that it's a disgusting ass pedophile against a vulnerable child (yes, you're a child!). He aint got no right to keep you as if you're some property of his to shape as he wills

 

[vanillamilk]

This makes me so furious lol. Leave. Just leave. Block him on everything. Report him. Don't stay alone and inform the person you're staying with about him. If he reports you to the police keep in mind that it's a disgusting ass pedophile against a vulnerable child (yes, you're a child!). He aint got no right to keep you as if you're some property of his to shape as he wills

thank you i will try

 

[Myforevercharlie]

i tried to break up with him and i do it really politely and gently and i was like i just don't like older men anymore and i think our age gap is kind of wrong and i don't want that kind of relationship anymore. then he got soo mad and threatened to tell the police things i've done (and he has evidence so it would prob work) and if that didn't work there's infinite more things he could do to punish me. he's such a vengeful person, he's done so much bad to people who just slightly wrong him. he's even kidnapped and tortured a man (allegedly) for owing him a small amount of money. he has never and would never actually kill me tho, he says killing people is giving them an easy way out so he prefers to torture them mentally for the rest of their lives. he has sm money and resources and experience he could so easily ruin my life. ive tried to break up with him a few times in the past too and he threatens me with bad things so i always have to change my mind and be back with him.

i think i would be able to unless they find this post lol :(. here's why i can't leave him

idk how to use this site properly sorry im formatting things wrong

Im not really sure if i can help, but feel free to message. ( Im an elderly female...dont like the word elderly though)

 

[redsendtend]

Surely he can be prosecuted or something because he spoke to you when you were 17?

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm really sorry you went through that. Have you considered trying to live in a different city, and blocking his number? Violence or murder won't solve anything, and life in prison is extremely harsh. I hope you can stay safe and get support to leave that relationship.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Not to derail the thread (I absolutely understand, I'm in an abusive situation myself ). But... we aren't allowed to encourage suicide or murder. So I hope the poll isn't serious, as it's against the rules of the forum if it is.

 

[aufrechtm7]

Surely he can be prosecuted or something because he spoke to you when you were 17?

The age of consent is 16 in the UK, not a crime unfortunately.

 

[lysergamide]

Can't encourage you to do either but. Do what your heart tells you to do hun, something needs to be done about that situation. I personally think one person needs to be gone more than the other.

 

[vanillamilk]

Surely he can be prosecuted or something because he spoke to you when you were 17?

he was under investigation for "sexual exploitation of a minor" (grooming me) bc my mum reported him but i told the police i wasn't being groomed so they dropped it. he did get some time for having pics and vids of me at 17 tho lol

 

[Dot]

Im not really sure if i can help, but feel free to message. ( Im an elderly female...dont like the word elderly though)

U mn 'yng @ hrt'


Also OP - slf agree wth evry1 els tht u hve rght t/ leav tht rlatnshp & whtevr tht cowrd = threatnng u wth = wll nt b wrse thn stayng in rlatnshp wth hm - h/ = b-ing coercve & cntrollng s/ if u hve evdnce of hm powr-playng u thn u mght stll b abl 2 gt rstrainng ordr or nn-contct ordr

Women's Aid Directory - Women’s Aid

If you're in an abusive relationship, find local help in your area. Use our online directory is available to find the right support near you.

womensaid.org.uk

Webste abve wll hlp u fnd ur locl servce fr professnl advce & spport

 

[aufrechtm7]

he was under investigation for "sexual exploitation of a minor" (grooming me) bc my mum reported him but i told the police i wasn't being groomed so they dropped it. he did get some time for having pics and vids of me at 17 tho lol

This information seems like it could be helpful for a restraining order, proof of negative history with you

 

[Dot]

This information seems like it could be helpful for a restraining order, proof of negative history with you

100%

Also u cn stll rtract ur orignl st8mnt & tll polce tht h/ ws groomng u 8f u r comfrtble doin tht -- ppl b-ing groomd r nt alwys awre whn = happnng

 

[aufrechtm7]

100%

Also u cn stll rtract ur orignl st8mnt & tll polce tht h/ ws groomng u 8f u r comfrtble doin tht -- ppl b-ing groomd r nt alwys awre whn = happnng

I'm just hoping this man isn't someone extremely powerful/dangerously obsessed, a restraining order would be good but I don't know how helpful the police are in the UK. I've heard American and Australian police aren't serious enough when it comes to stalkers which is frustrating, maybe there's some incriminating information the OP might not know about?

 

[Honeybee]

From my time volunteering/working with people who have gone through similar situations (primarily online), I have some general advice for you (not from a professional!):

• There's no need to officially break up with him, that is a courtesy you do not owe to your abuser. Go no contact the second you are safe to do so. Give no warnings and do not give him your plans to leave.
• Stop any/all sexual activity (if/when safe to do so) as abusers love "baby trapping" or sometimes intentionally passing STDs in an effort to make you stay.
• Remember that you're not in the wrong here, his "relationship" with you was predatory, and your priority now is to escape this situation safely - dealing with the rest comes later. Better safe than sorry: He has claimed to murder/torture people in the past (regardless of how true it is) and your safety comes before any fallout.
• Make sure you have access to money where he cannot touch it. Useful for emergencies and/or if you need to leave ASAP.
• Make sure you can get somewhere that is safe from him, whether that be staying with family, someone he doesn't know about, at a shelter, out of town, or etc. Anywhere he cannot access you. Ensure people know about him and that he's made threats to you/at your life, and include any evidence of violence if necessary. Build a support system, it will be needed.
• Gather up as much evidence as you can against him, anything at all that you can think of-but especially any/all threats he's made against you or your loved ones. Only do this if you are sure you can handle it and feel it is necessary: Don't block his number if you believe he will send you more threats/evidence. Do not reply to him or engage in any way, just let him do the work for you. But of course once you have enough evidence, are in contact with the authorities, you should block him everywhere (or do as you're told by officials.)
• There are websites out there that you can use to make an anonymous report about him potentially having CSAM/"contact" with minors, as well as websites that aim to take down revenge porn content when it's reported, if that's something he's been threatening/blackmailing you with. While yes, it would absolutely suck (to say the least) to get that-or anything else-leaked, it's also against the law and can get him in serious trouble. I recommend you search online for what you can/need to do, to get reports sent to those resources and the authorities.