I need to make a decision. The constant back and forth is torture. I need to accept my fate and learn to endure it, or decide I can take no more.
I delude myself into thinking I can have my life back and believing this can happen. I find some kind of strength to fight against my doubts. This lasts for an hour or so at most. Then the reality of my current situation hits, the bleakness, powerlessness and hopelessness of it all. The strength is gone. I realise I can't endure this. I find release in realising my way out is by ending things. I feel liberated of the struggle. With the fight over, I find peace and a sense of freedom in the shackles being released. This enables me to find some joy in things, with any sense of pressure or responsibility gone. But this is a double edged sword, because it then hits me that ending thing will not only take away my suffering but also this joy and sense of freedom. I don't want to loose this, it's not fair. So the strength and fight begins to build again. And the cycle repeats, over and over.
I can see that I'm causing this cycle. That this cycle in itself is significantly more painful than the actual situation that is making me want to end things. But I can't stop it.
I want to either do my best to deal with what life has thrown my way, no matter how horrendous and unfair it is, or have the resolve to decide I can endure no more and enjoy my final days. I don't want to be stuck in this blurry, uncertain purgatory, wasting away my days reading and posting on this forum and fantasising about my death. This is no life. This is not me. I have the power to not live this way, one way or another - death, or accepting my medication-induced damaged life. But I just don't know how to do either, I'm not strong enough.
So the cycle continues... the old me becomes further and further away, and it feels like it's all my fault.
I delude myself into thinking I can have my life back and believing this can happen. I find some kind of strength to fight against my doubts. This lasts for an hour or so at most. Then the reality of my current situation hits, the bleakness, powerlessness and hopelessness of it all. The strength is gone. I realise I can't endure this. I find release in realising my way out is by ending things. I feel liberated of the struggle. With the fight over, I find peace and a sense of freedom in the shackles being released. This enables me to find some joy in things, with any sense of pressure or responsibility gone. But this is a double edged sword, because it then hits me that ending thing will not only take away my suffering but also this joy and sense of freedom. I don't want to loose this, it's not fair. So the strength and fight begins to build again. And the cycle repeats, over and over.
I can see that I'm causing this cycle. That this cycle in itself is significantly more painful than the actual situation that is making me want to end things. But I can't stop it.
I want to either do my best to deal with what life has thrown my way, no matter how horrendous and unfair it is, or have the resolve to decide I can endure no more and enjoy my final days. I don't want to be stuck in this blurry, uncertain purgatory, wasting away my days reading and posting on this forum and fantasising about my death. This is no life. This is not me. I have the power to not live this way, one way or another - death, or accepting my medication-induced damaged life. But I just don't know how to do either, I'm not strong enough.
So the cycle continues... the old me becomes further and further away, and it feels like it's all my fault.
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