tangerine_dream
The indomitable human spirit??
- Jun 26, 2024
- 5
Hey everyone,
I'm currently enrolled in university, which I started just this year. I have a wonderful group of friends here and follow great courses that interest me. And yet I can't feel happy.
It feels like I'm stuck, like the only reason I'm even going to uni is because there's no other choice for me, and not because it's what I truly want to do.
Getting myself to do anything is hard enough, and it's even harder when it's something I feel I'm ordered to do - such as studying.
"But you don't have to study! You can find a job somewhere and do that!" But my brain wants to end itself even more when I'm bored, and a minimum wage job will do exactly that.
+ I want to earn decent money to do things I might enjoy someday (such as traveling, eating good food, building my own PC, etc.), and a minimum wage/entry level job won't get me there.
So… yes, I could quit, but I really can't. I'm stuck between studying (so much stress, so much exhaustion - not to mention I'm chronically ill so I already have less energy to use than the average person -, so much pressure) or an entry level job (working 9-5 makes me even worse mentally, my bored brain would be even more suicidal than now, and very little money/opportunity to grow).
I'm stuck. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I don't want to die, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired, and I have been for a very long time. I don't know if I have the energy left to keep fighting. And yet something in me won't stop fighting, for better or for worse.
I'm currently enrolled in university, which I started just this year. I have a wonderful group of friends here and follow great courses that interest me. And yet I can't feel happy.
It feels like I'm stuck, like the only reason I'm even going to uni is because there's no other choice for me, and not because it's what I truly want to do.
Getting myself to do anything is hard enough, and it's even harder when it's something I feel I'm ordered to do - such as studying.
"But you don't have to study! You can find a job somewhere and do that!" But my brain wants to end itself even more when I'm bored, and a minimum wage job will do exactly that.
+ I want to earn decent money to do things I might enjoy someday (such as traveling, eating good food, building my own PC, etc.), and a minimum wage/entry level job won't get me there.
So… yes, I could quit, but I really can't. I'm stuck between studying (so much stress, so much exhaustion - not to mention I'm chronically ill so I already have less energy to use than the average person -, so much pressure) or an entry level job (working 9-5 makes me even worse mentally, my bored brain would be even more suicidal than now, and very little money/opportunity to grow).
I'm stuck. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I don't want to die, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired, and I have been for a very long time. I don't know if I have the energy left to keep fighting. And yet something in me won't stop fighting, for better or for worse.
