miso_soup
a nihilist, a soldier, an ocd machine
- Nov 29, 2025
- 16
every day i make the decision to cut myself. i feel as if i had no choice. but there is no denying that im the one picking up the razor and dragging it across my skin making deep cuts that cover my shoulders, ankles, thighs and chest. i have ocd. the urges are too strong for me to resist. it's been going on for over 2 moths. every day. at least 3 cuts deep enough for me to decide that ''they count". sometimes more. ive created over 200 new scars that will never disappear. im exhausted. both mentally and physically. ive given up on pretty much everything. my current therapist is really shit at her job and has very little knowledge on ocd. nothing helps and im just trapped in this state. yesterday i went to the psych ward cause my psychiatrist said that id get admitted. i wasnt. i cant resist the urges cause the fear feels too strong. unless im admitted i know i wont be able to stop with my current support system. i have the next visit with my psychiatrist in 3 weeks. pretty soon. but 3 weeks is 21 days. and 21 days is at least 63 new cuts. i can kill myself cause im all my mother has since my father's passing this january. im trapped in this life and i feel there's no hope of it ever getting better. i want to be admitted cause i truly can't live like this anymore. i can't kill myself but the last time i tried commiting (2yrs ago) i was convinced i wouldn't either. i need relief. peace. i want to die. or i want my mother to die so i can kill myself without hurting her.
