Story sharing: what leads you to the person you are now?

[mayirestinchaos]

I'm heavenly curious about your story, but I'll go first.

My life is a warfare that is doomed to fail but cannot end. It's hard to explain why. I am a kind of existence between life and death. I don't really live or die. The fate cannot end, because I don't even want to commit suicide. The only meaning of my existence is to prevent myself from really going to nihility. I deconstruct and blaspheme my life to sacrifice it to the real meaning. I may be different from most people. I am closer to a philosophical or conceptual suicide than a substantive one.

In my entire life, my faith is constantly collapsing and reconstructing. But you can't even say that this is social's fault, because I actually got what I deserve. My dilemma position was caused by myself, my personality, my spirit, my soul, which cannot be changed and will follow me all my life. I cannot get rid of them and find a true myself... In other words, I don't know what is real myself. I have two contracted personality, one is kind, lovely and enthusiastic; one is evil, cult and blood-thirsty. I am sure that I am not split in personality, but have opposite but unified negative and positive sides.

I did not really suffer from some popular reasons of being a suicidal person, like being bullied or sexual abused. Also my parents are kind, but sometimes cannot understand me very well. In total, my family is quite a nice one. I have some friends and go hang out with them sometimes. I feel comfortable, not extremely awkward in social places.

My story is simply about myself. I know telling lies is wrong, but I fooled and used so many people. I know someone in the hospital is painful, but I cannot help staring at her. I lack compassion and empathy. I know many things are not right, but I cannot control myself going down the abyss.

 

[jodes2]

I failed uni 20 years ago, then did the same thing again another 3 times and have been on disability benefits ever since. Sigh. Kinda comfortable but kinda sucks. Don't feel like I have much of a future. Just living on the bare minimum

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case there isn't much of a story to tell, there is just the fact that I've never wanted to exist here and I've never really seen myself as being meant for existing. I've always found the thought of non existence to be something that is so incredibly comforting and my thoughts of suicide are just the natural response to me existing here in this world.

I personally despise existing and I don't see the appeal to being here, and I certainly don't wish to suffer in any way and risk ending up in even worse torment, just to age, deteriorate and die anyway. Life really is something that is so useless and unnecessary that could never be worth it for me in any way, I just wish for the peace that only non existence could bring and I think that it makes sense feeling this way. Life itself is the true problem for me and wanting to die is certainly all that I know.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In a nutshell: Lots of close family deaths in early childhood- Mum, Grandpa, Nana by the age of 10. Dad remarried and I had an awful experience with a likely narcissistic step sibling. Started having ideation at 10 years old and the thoughts have never left.

I became obsessed with art early on in life as a coping mechanism. It has been my one crutch helping me through life. I have had very close friendships but they've all gone now. I don't entirely trust friendship/relationships anymore.

I've had a few rounds of limerance (obsessive crushes on guys.) I also think I've had borderline eating disorders on occasions- binge eating mainly but obsessive dieting also. I have terrible social anxiety and crippling self doubt and possibly longterm mild-moderate depression. (This level of pessimism can't really be 'normal'!)

Now, my creative 'career' has failed financially. So- my one support is failing. I'll still continue on for as long as I can- for the sake of my Dad but deep down- I'm done and this has really just been a long time coming.

 

[LunaXCBN]

I was diagnosed with ADHD early in life, around school age in Finland, when I was just a mere boy, and after that, school life has been complete and utter hell. First they looked at me like I'm some kind of animal, I was called an alien, not human and I was harassed. I was kicked down over and over again until the end of junior high. It's been better since but the damage is already done. After junior high, I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome and we're still investigating for autism. I haven't had friends since the beginning of junior high, which was 6 years ago. I've walked this planet alone for the majority of my life, and I'll continue to do so.
I'm a very naturally violent person, thanks to my disgrace and worthless father and his pathetic genes. I've become pessimistic over these years, and became depressed in junior high school, around 14-15. I almost took my life at 16, which while I'm glad I didn't as I found my purpose and what I want to do until the end of the road hits, I regret not doing it because it's only gotten worse since.

I fucking hate everyone on this planet, and I want to see them rot. If they can't treat me right, I won't treat them right.

 

[Source Energy]

In my case there isn't much of a story to tell, there is just the fact that I've never wanted to exist here and I've never really seen myself as being meant for existing. I've always found the thought of non existence to be something that is so incredibly comforting and my thoughts of suicide are just the natural response to me existing here in this world.

I personally despise existing and I don't see the appeal to being here, and I certainly don't wish to suffer in any way and risk ending up in even worse torment, just to age, deteriorate and die anyway. Life really is something that is so useless and unnecessary that could never be worth it for me in any way, I just wish for the peace that only non existence could bring and I think that it makes sense feeling this way. Life itself is the true problem for me and wanting to die is certainly all that I know.

how long have you felt like this? I remember it starting as a child of 5-6

 

[FuneralCry]

how long have you felt like this? I remember it starting as a child of 5-6

I know that I've never wanted to be here and I've never even felt content existing in this world. Not wanting to be here is all that I know, and this lead to me thinking about suicide all the time.

 

[SunnysSunset]

I was molested when I was six years old and possibily even younger at two years old by my father. So dealing with that trauma has been tough. I was late diagnosed with autism so I suffered a lot throughout my childhood because no one knew what was wrong. Home life wasn't great either. I don't remember much from my childhood except for a few snippets here and there; as far as I know I just popped into existence at like 10 lol. Home life wasn't great, you know the standard parents fighting and stuff. Developed a sort of anorexia bulimia thing when I was 11 which I still deal with. Started self harm at 12. First attempted suicide at 13. Mom confessed to me that she was suicidal when I was 15, so I had to learn how to care for her along with managing my suicidal thoughts too. And right now I'm still here, just sort of fucking around until I gather the courage to CBT.
It was nice to tell my story. Thank you for this post.

 

[Depresso]

I didn't have many friends growing up and very fractured family and none of them except my immediate family really care for each other. My life was very lonely and all I had was my sister.

I struggled to cope with going to college, dropped out, and chose to just work. I got into an emotionally abusive situationship and stayed in it for 3 years because I was desperately lonely and I don't think I could do better. I'm now 28 still living with my parents with no degree and swimming in stupid debt from my dumb actions in my early 20's. I pretty much sit alone in my room gaming, watching, anime, and getting stupidly wasted.

 

[downndone2]

I made decisions that ruined everything in my life

 

[tystero]

My family situation is okay, no past trauma that I'm aware of.

Now that I turned 18. I've became suicidal with the dread of having to become an "adult".
The thought of having to serve the "system" to survive until the day I retire just ain't right
for me.

I have to leave to keep my sense of self intact.
I refuse to become a bitter adult with dreams and ambitions smashed and stomped.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

very recent reply: a crappy overdose.
ended up being troubled by the school and had to fucking leave the university and 'get my mental illness treated' but actually it's some triggers accumulating and then I exploded.
honestly I don't know why I overdosed in that way! I am pretty sure that's because I took some ativan and then already had some cognitive dysfunction and I actually don't know why then I fucking took those pills!!!

 

[TapeMachine]

I've always felt intense emotion as far back as I can remember, which was like 5 years old? And not just my own emotions, but other people's emotions as well. My dreams sometimes even affect me long after I've woken up, sometimes for days.

And time is something that has always baffled me. In my mind, the concept of a future does not make sense either; so I've never really made any concrete plans for this elusive future of mine...

So you see, I'm just this frazzled ball of collective-emotions floating aimlessly around in the world, and I'm exhausted from bumping into too many tragedies. I've seen too much, felt too much. Where is the "off" switch for my brain?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

 

[mayirestinchaos]

My family situation is okay, no past trauma that I'm aware of.

Now that I turned 18. I've became suicidal with the dread of having to become an "adult".
The thought of having to serve the "system" to survive until the day I retire just ain't right
for me.

I have to leave to keep my sense of self intact.
I refuse to become a bitter adult with dreams and ambitions smashed and stomped.

Hi, there. I'm actually 19 years old now. I can feel your heart and also feel the bitterness of being an adult. The job, the nation, the society, the world don't work ideally. Politics is a boring thing. Human sexual ability and actual reproductive capacity do not match, so there is crime, judicature and movements.
The more catastrophe in an adult world I witness, the more suicidal I will be.

 

[5417807]

My story is just full of self pity. I suffered sexual abuse from being a toddler all the way until I was 18. Saw my parent OD'd at 6 and again at 15 and again at 17. I saw another family member burn their house down trying to die at age 17. I first tried to CTB at 8 years old and then again so many times I lost track until I was 19. I was in active addiction with drugs, alcohol and self harm from age 11-19. In an abusive relationship from age 14-18. I was kidnapped and assaulted at age 14 for being gay by 3 people I though where my friends, excluded from school for mental health not long after that and never got back into education. I could never and still can't hold down a job because of mental illness and have lived rather miserably. I've done all the therapy and tried the meds, nothing has ever helped.

 

[thedaywillcome]

Very flawed genetics

 

[hxppythxught]

I've never really wanted to live, ever since I was young I noticed that i was never really that happy or as "normal" as the other kids (this feeling developed when i was in grade 2-3, so quite some time ago)
I was very neglected as a kid, my parents only caring about my grades or how classes are, this caused me to seek both physical and emotional attention by other kids at my school. I've let people touch me, inappropriately i mean, i was so desperate to get people to touch me and praise me. To give me the attention my parents wouldn't give me. For this i was bullied, slut shamed, called everything you could ever imagine (grade 4-6)
I was used like a towel then thrown away when i wasn't as good anymore.

When i entered high school and tried to get better with everything i completely fell apart.
Teachers teased me for being unable to do things like others can, students proceeded to use me and the school board did nothing, mental health professionals invalided me. Even my own mother yelled at me when i told her i wanted to kill myself for the first time, and my dad thinks that people who SH and CTB are really selfish.

When i exited high school i started to push people away and not want to talk to people. I had my diagnosis's by the time I graduated, i took lots of different types of medicine but it didn't work, so i stopped.

I'm thankful this platform exists, people won't judge me for being myself.