Story Story of how I fucked up

[thedepressedkid]

I am gay, and despite the fact I have married a woman through arranged marriage and cheated on her with another guy...

I didn't stopped there, i have impregnated my wife, ignored her and my child even though my wife did nothing but supportive in tough times...

I am pretty selfish and i have realised the error of my ways.. but the damages are done already...

I was thinking of suicide for a very long time but was holding back because there is no one to take care of my child... As of last week, my wife has got a job and I can finally accept my fate and die...

 

[whyamistillalive?]

Good for you. Good luck my friend.

 

[Ameya]

That sounds very complicated situation. I don't know how much you regret, but at least apologise to your wife or spend some last good days with your child. Giving them some kind of closure. Maybe for now it's best to not tell your wife the truth (She deserves to know, but additionally to your death maybe it'll be too much for her). There is still other ways of living as your true self if you haven't given up hope yet...regardless of that. Good luck and best wishes with whatever you may choose.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really is such an awful situation, it's so sad how it lead to more life being so cruelly brought into this world, the nonexistent certainly should just be left alone in peace.

 

[thedepressedkid]

That sounds very complicated situation. I don't know how much you regret, but at least apologise to your wife or spend some last good days with your child. Giving them some kind of closure. Maybe for now it's best to not tell your wife the truth (She deserves to know, but additionally to your death maybe it'll be too much for her). There is still other ways of living as your true self if you haven't given up hope yet...regardless of that. Good luck and best wishes with whatever you may choose.

Actually she knows, and we had a big fight.. we are ready to get divorce as well, but decided to live together for the sake of my child... I have apologized to her but it is not enough... Hell, what could possibly be compensating for cheating?
But I am constantly getting reminded of what I had done and each passing already feels like I'm swallowing broken glass pieces washing it down with concentrated acids...

Importantly, I'm afraid my child will become like me if they spend more time with me...

Not to mention, the constant wanting of cheating again...

I have spent the whole ramzan planning a better life with them.. but the more and more i spend my time with them the more and more I am afraid I will fuck up everything...

 

[Ameya]

Actually she knows, and we had a big fight.. we are ready to get divorce as well, but decided to live together for the sake of my child... I have apologized to her but it is not enough... Hell, what could possibly be compensating for cheating?
But I am constantly getting reminded of what I had done and each passing already feels like I'm swallowing broken glass pieces washing it down with concentrated acids...

Importantly, I'm afraid my child will become like me if they spend more time with me...

Not to mention, the constant wanting of cheating again...

I have spent the whole ramzan planning a better life with them.. but the more and more i spend my time with them the more and more I am afraid I will fuck up everything...

I'd say really try to live without them then-
Perhaps that would be the best if you still consider living a chance. Besides that if you go leave some good memories. Just one at least for your child. With your wife all you can really do is apologising. That's the best. Compensating is hard, but a apology is a option.
Still really if you are really tired of everything. Go in peace man

 

[BRosenberger]

I am pro-choice, but your reasons for CTB do not seem to be well thought out. Granted that you made a mistake but how is your CTB going to help your child or wife? Just because she got a job doesn't mean she will not be affected by your dying. In addition to the hurt that you caused her, your dying by suicide will leave a long-term trauma in her which will most likely affect the way she will raise the child and consequently the child's future.
Please reconsider your decision keeping your child's future in mind.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

At least it sounds like you care more for your child than your wife. It's not making anything better staying in this situation. Get a divorce and support your child as much as possible. That's the best you could do to make amends. Find a guy to be with and try to be yourself. Don't take your life to escape this situation, repair what you can and reevaluate things. If you still want to go through with taking your own life, maybe you could set up life insurance first. Just because she has a job now doesn't mean it's going to be enough for them.

I do empathise with you, it wasn't fair for anyone that you had to ignore your true self. I do strongly believe that you must take responsibility for your child above all else though. You've likely ruined your wife's life, don't ruin your child's chance at a life also. Stop the self pity, it won't achieve anything. Do something right for your child if it's the last thing you do and then maybe you'll deserve to rest in peace.

 

[Das Nichts]

There a far worse things than cheating. Also you are gay, what are you supposed to do ? Ignore your sexual drive for the rest of your life ?

Try to make amends and please consider going to marriage counseling if your wife is up to that. I think with time you might be able to reach a working situation without such a drastic outcome for yourself and your family.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I believe the neglecting your wife and child to be worse than the cheating in your situation. You've denied your wife the chance to have a real husband and continue to deny your child a loving supportive father. Although you've made mistakes, it's not too late to accept who you are and be a good father.

 

[SexyIncél]

WTF's with the pile-ons? This tragedy is a predictable outcome of arranged-marriage systems, I don't "blame" him one bit. Even if he blames himself. It ruined his life. And he did wait for his wife to get a job

He has serious, legitimate concerns about his ability to perform childcare. These must be addressed. Otherwise, he may become a danger to his child

@thedepressedkid, I support you, whatever you decide. If you're considering staying alive, it's important to figure out how to fix your situation

You're gay. Staying with your wife only seems sustainable if you're both free to love whoever -- so it's no longer "cheating". Can she support you in this? Can you work it out together? Maybe she was hurt and humiliated, but she has to be practical. Blaming you does zero good, she can still fix her life

If, despite your best efforts, she refuses to work with you: she can have fun blaming herself

 

[unnormal9]

It's always sad to see this. The pressure of homophobic families one ends up this way and come out ever so late, causing a ripple effect and thus—no. Just be authentically you. That's what I had to do, forget my family for ostracizing me because I'm gay. I'd rather live my life free than to suffer in a repressed confinement.
Thing what got to me back then was, despite potentially coming out, they still said shit aligned to their beliefs about me and who I'll end up with etc.

I believe the neglecting your wife and child to be worse than the cheating in your situation. You've denied your wife the chance to have a real husband and continue to deny your child a loving supportive father. Although you've made mistakes, it's not too late to accept who you are and be a good father.

Trust me, no one is denying her anything.
A kid won't make anyone stay. That is the reality. But he decided to stay for the sake of them.
But also, he fears staying would cause them to be like him; what that could mean? Repression? Denial? I can't answer that.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

This is different from run of the mill cheating as you have been forced into a straight marriage despite being gay. Both you, your wife, and your child are victims of homophobia and archaic, toxic traditional practices in this situation.