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meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
sorry for bothering you all again. just needed to get it out somehow. so fucking sick of me, venting here all the time

its kinda hard to explain. im 26f, i had my best friend. or i thought that i had my best friend, idk anymore. we have known each other since 1 grade, became friends like when we were 16. then we had a hard time, misunderstanding, its a long story. so we had a fight (well not actually a fight, idk how to explain) and had lost touch for a couple of years. then we reconciled. and made a deal: if someone feels that something is wrong then someone tells it. not remains silent and lets misunderstanding grow. idk

so the situation is actually not a big deal at all. but it has very big consequences for me

im kind of person, who likes to keep in touch with my close people constantly. so im always talking about something: my life, random facts, sending memes... but i get that everyone needs their time and privacy. so i dont really expect an instant answer. so she usually answered to me like once a day. but one day she didnt. answer. i began to worry. what if something happened? i asked something like: "i hope nothing bad happened and i hope that you are not fed up with me"

then the next day i went on instagram and saw her story from a trip. i understood that she didnt respond as usual simply because she was traveling. i was really upset because, well, i would like my loved ones to keep me informed about their lives. i said this to her, and she told that she hadnt told anyone about her trip. that she doesnt want to tell anyone anything about herself. then i thought that this is some kind of strange desire. well... because... i can understand the desire not to say anything about topic x, but to share the rest. or i can understand something like "im going through a difficult period right now, i dont want to talk right now, ill tell you later" (and it's not even necessary to specify when this later will be). but when someone doesnt want to tell your friend anything about yourself? well, thats weird. i would like to know, how my friends are doing, like at least if everything is ok or everything is not ok


fine. but then I asked,: "ok, you dont want to tell me anything about yourself. then why dont you talk about any other things?" then she lost her temper and told me, that after she replies to my 40 messages everyday, she dont have the strength and energy to write something to me

and this phrase hurt me so much. like even when you say something in anger, you need to get that thought from somewhere. that you think so, or you once thought so. or where did you get that thought from? and so i had to literally torture her for her to give me an hones answer. so she finally confessed. It turned out exactly as i feared, haha. my nightmare. it turned out that shes going through a bad period, shes feeling down, and ive really been writing too much, ive really been annoying. and no one told me about it (although she promised to tell me if something was wrong! well, she was kind of afraid of upsetting me with that. i understand that, but it knew it anyway and it turned out even worse). so it turned out that i had been bothering her with my stupid annoying conversations for some time, but she didnt told me about it. and i only found out by accident, just because she said this phrase about 40 messages in the heat of moment

and just... idk anymore. and which of my friends have been bothered by me for a long time, and theyre just afraid to offend me, so they keep pretend that they enjoy our conversations?

i understand that she was very afraid of making things worse for me with my depression and previous ctb attempt. but 1) its not her fault that im not doing well, it was never her fault. and ive never accused her. 2) if someone had politely told me: "i love you very much, but im having a bad time right now, please write me a little bit less," then i would have been much less upset. 3) she promised! she promised to tell me if something was wrong with me... and she didnt

i just. idk. ive been living for other people. i dont really enjoy my life. but i know that my ctb will hurt them badly, so i continue to live. and then such situation happens. idk what to do and what to feel. im completely calm right now. it kinda reminds me of a walking ghost phase. when someone is so damaged by radiation, too damaged to continue living. but they dont know it for now. there are no symptoms right now, they are feeling ok. but they are dead already, they just dont know it yet. thats how it feels. surreal

sorry about stupid mistakes, if there are any. idk. im not a native speaker
 
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the_calynite

the_calynite

I might sound hella pretentious, humble me please
Mar 10, 2026
54
"then she lost her temper and told me, that after she replies to my 40 messages everyday, she dont have the strength and energy to write something to me" she is not being unfair towards you. She might feel forced to respond and when someone is forced, it taints the entire interaction with dread. there are ways around this, I want you to know i empathize with you.
 
meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
"then she lost her temper and told me, that after she replies to my 40 messages everyday, she dont have the strength and energy to write something to me" she is not being unfair towards you. She might feel forced to respond and when someone is forced, it taints the entire interaction with dread. there are ways around this, I want you to know i empathize with you.
but we had an agreement. if she feels that something is wrong between us, then she says it directly. she does not endure and ignore the problem, but tells me straight

i never forced her to respond me. i geniunely thought that she likes reading my messages. because we had an agreement. if something is off, then one must tell straight. so it turned out that she was tired with me and didnt tell it. was it too much to ask? idk
 
the_calynite

the_calynite

I might sound hella pretentious, humble me please
Mar 10, 2026
54
but we had an agreement. if she feels that something is wrong between us, then she says it directly. she does not endure and ignore the problem, but tells me straight

i never forced her to respond me. i geniunely thought that she likes reading my messages. because we had an agreement. if something is off, then one must tell straight. so it turned out that she was tired with me and didnt tell it. was it too much to ask? idk
well in the end i don't actually know her, so i can only help with the limited knowledge i know. I have just been on both sides of that coin so i can empathize. how are you holding up?
 
meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
well in the end i don't actually know her, so i can only help with the limited knowledge i know. I have just been on both sides of that coin so i can empathize. how are you holding up?
not great, but thanks for asking. empty and betrayed

i just wish she simply told me that she was not having it. it would be honest. i would understand that. because no one actually has to listen to the shit i talk about, it has to be voluntary. i wouldnt be offended if she just politely told me that im talking too much
 
the_calynite

the_calynite

I might sound hella pretentious, humble me please
Mar 10, 2026
54
not great, but thanks for asking. empty and betrayed

i just wish she simply told me that she was not having it. it would be honest. i would understand that. because no one actually has to listen to the shit i talk about, it has to be voluntary. i wouldnt be offended if she just politely told me that im talking too much
It was definitely inconsiderate that she didnt communicate right, maybe she is remorseful, or maybe she felt so for a while and it boiled over.
 
meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
It was definitely inconsiderate that she didnt communicate right, maybe she is remorseful, or maybe she felt so for a while and it boiled over.
yeah, she def felt so for a while and it boiled over. but why didnt she just... tell me at the moment she began to feel this way? well she was afraid to offend me. but she had hurt me much worse 😭😭😭
 
the_calynite

the_calynite

I might sound hella pretentious, humble me please
Mar 10, 2026
54
are you still communicating with her
 
meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
are you still communicating with her
not really. wrote her a lot of stupid emotional messages (i hope that they arent offensive. well i didnt offend her, didnt write anything like "you are a bad person". just expressed my disappointment and pain. did it very verbose, haha). she told that she might read them and answer later. or that she might not read them. its been a couple of days since that. but honestly i expect nothing. and i dont think that we can continue to communicate
 
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
15,263
I can see it from both perspectives. She likely didn't want to hurt your feelings so- that's maybe why she didn't say anything prior. She may also have felt like she could 'handle' that side of things.

Obviously, it's not ideal to view or have a friendship like that- when it starts to sometimes become a chore but then- who honestly hasn't at times received a message when they were concentrating on something else or felt stressed themselves, where it was more of an irritant than something pleasurable. I think- even in the closest of friendships- that can happen.

Plus, we can recognise that it might be an 'us' problem- rather than them. That we may be in a space where we aren't being a particular good friend but still overall- we still value that person's friendship. In that case, we may be a bit more absent around them- without actually saying outright- we'd prefer to hear from them less. Maybe in the hopes that that time will pass for us and we'll be a better friend next time.

Not meaning to put the blame on you here- you have the right to express how you feel. But still- from what you've said- you pushed her to give you that answer. And now, you're blaming her for not saying something sooner.

Maybe she should have but truthfully- wouldn't that also have been upsetting? I imagine she didn't say anything to spare you that upset. She probably didn't envisage it reaching this stage. She may have believed that by not responding so much, the communication may start to become less frequent naturally.

Once, with a friend, it got to a stage where I was struggling to cope with how much they vented to me. Because, I'd end up worrying about their problems on top of mine. But- it felt unkind to outright say- I can't cope with listening to your rants at the moment. To be fair- I also used to vent to her in return. I figured that if I stopped doing that so much, she might also. It just felt like the kinder way of doing it.

If we do genuinely care for someone- which I still did and, which I suspect your friend did- we may not want them to feel like they are now a burden to us. Plus- it's also admitting that we are a selfish person who hasn't got the time for their friends. I doubt all that many people want to admit that.

I suppose it comes down to boundaries and expectations. I reached a stage where it was obvious I was asking too much of my former best friend. She literally told me blankly that her partner was now her best friend. Which hurt deeply at the time, but was kind of necessary to wean myself away from her.

It's horrible when it happens but sometimes, I think these arguments do clear the air and show people where they stand.

It could be that her idea of friendship is different to yours. It may be that she was also comforatble in letting the friendship drift more. I've also been on both sides of that situation and, it is horrible to experience. It's so sad/ unfortunate but- sometimes people can't or don't want to be the close friends we want them to be. Or- they can be to begin with but then, the friendship drifts. It was quite a few years back for me when I had the horrible realisation that I couldn't expect things of people and I couldn't rely on them.

I suppose I try to approach it now- to try and enjoy what people will happily offer but to try really hard not to expect more from them. Kind of- it's nice and appreciate while it lasts.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I'm not sure it's all that helpful though- to try to decide who is in the wrong though. Laying blame isn't all that conducive to friendship. Maybe it's more helpful to try to accept why both of you acted as you did. Possibly that she doesn't have the same approach to friendship or your particular frienship as you have. Maybe that she didn't realise this would hurt you to this extent. It may be necessary to question whether you in return- are expecting more than people are comfortable giving.

Again, it's not about laying blame. I suspect how we behave around people/ our needs towards others are massively influenced by our upbringing and past. I think I have a tendency to be too needy. Even if we aren't acting in a needy way. Even if we try to hold that back- it's still kind of there and accumilates. I suppose forming friendships is about how we manage our own and one another's tendencies.
 
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meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
I can see it from both perspectives. She likely didn't want to hurt your feelings so- that's maybe why she didn't say anything prior. She may also have felt like she could 'handle' that side of things.

Obviously, it's not ideal to view or have a friendship like that- when it starts to sometimes become a chore but then- who honestly hasn't at times received a message when they were concentrating on something else or felt stressed themselves, where it was more of an irritant than something pleasurable. I think- even in the closest of friendships- that can happen.

Plus, we can recognise that it might be an 'us' problem- rather than them. That we may be in a space where we aren't being a particular good friend but still overall- we still value that person's friendship. In that case, we may be a bit more absent around them- without actually saying outright- we'd prefer to hear from them less. Maybe in the hopes that that time will pass for us and we'll be a better friend next time.

Not meaning to put the blame on you here- you have the right to express how you feel. But still- from what you've said- you pushed her to give you that answer. And now, you're blaming her for not saying something sooner.

Maybe she should have but truthfully- wouldn't that also have been upsetting? I imagine she didn't say anything to spare you that upset. She probably didn't envisage it reaching this stage. She may have believed that by not responding so much, the communication may start to become less frequent naturally.

Once, with a friend, it got to a stage where I was struggling to cope with how much they vented to me. Because, I'd end up worrying about their problems on top of mine. But- it felt unkind to outright say- I can't cope with listening to your rants at the moment. To be fair- I also used to vent to her in return. I figured that if I stopped doing that so much, she might also. It just felt like the kinder way of doing it.

If we do genuinely care for someone- which I still did and, which I suspect your friend did- we may not want them to feel like they are now a burden to us. Plus- it's also admitting that we are a selfish person who hasn't got the time for their friends. I doubt all that many people want to admit that.

I suppose it comes down to boundaries and expectations. I reached a stage where it was obvious I was asking too much of my former best friend. She literally told me blankly that her partner was now her best friend. Which hurt deeply at the time, but was kind of necessary to wean myself away from her.

It's horrible when it happens but sometimes, I think these arguments do clear the air and show people where they stand.

It could be that her idea of friendship is different to yours. It may be that she was also comforatble in letting the friendship drift more. I've also been on both sides of that situation and, it is horrible to experience. It's so sad/ unfortunate but- sometimes people can't or don't want to be the close friends we want them to be. Or- they can be to begin with but then, the friendship drifts. It was quite a few years back for me when I had the horrible realisation that I couldn't expect things of people and I couldn't rely on them.

I suppose I try to approach it now- to try and enjoy what people will happily offer but to try really hard not to expect more from them. Kind of- it's nice and appreciate while it lasts.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I'm not sure it's all that helpful though- to try to decide who is in the wrong though. Laying blame isn't all that conducive to friendship. Maybe it's more helpful to try to accept why both of you acted as you did. Possibly that she doesn't have the same approach to friendship or your particular frienship as you have. Maybe that she didn't realise this would hurt you to this extent. It may be necessary to question whether you in return- are expecting more than people are comfortable giving.

Again, it's not about laying blame. I suspect how we behave around people/ our needs towards others are massively influenced by our upbringing and past. I think I have a tendency to be too needy. Even if we aren't acting in a needy way. Even if we try to hold that back- it's still kind of there and accumilates. I suppose forming friendships is about how we manage our own and one another's tendencies.
thank you for your long and thoughtful reply ❤️❤️❤️

i dont want to be a burden. i want my friendships be more pleasurerable than irritant for sure. and i totally understand that people have their limits and different social battaries, i wouldnt be too much upset if she just politely told me "you vent/write too much". i would be a little upset, but not too much. not so upset as i am right now. and she promised it to me. she literally promised me in plain text that she would say if something was wrong. i consider this a betrayal

and her idea of friendship is different than mine indeed. and thats why we stopped being friends. its over and i guess there is nothing i could do
 
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F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
15,263
thank you for your long and thoughtful reply ❤️❤️❤️

i dont want to be a burden. i want my friendships be more pleasurerable than irritant for sure. and i totally understand that people have their limits and different social battaries, i wouldnt be too much upset if she just politely told me "you vent/write too much". i would be a little upset, but not too much. not so upset as i am right now. and she promised it to me. she literally promised me in plain text that she would say if something was wrong. i consider this a betrayal

and her idea of friendship is different than mine indeed. and thats why we stopped being friends. its over and i guess there is nothing i could do

I'm sure it wasn't a burden a lot of the time. It may be that she lashed out if you were criticizing her for not keeping in touch. That used to happen with my friend. They would criticize me for something and I would criticize them for something they did prior.

Has she tried to be in contact since or, are you both letting things drift?
 
meddle

meddle

pink floyd is half of my personality
Jan 11, 2024
364
I'm sure it wasn't a burden a lot of the time. It may be that she lashed out if you were criticizing her for not keeping in touch. That used to happen with my friend. They would criticize me for something and I would criticize them for something they did prior.

Has she tried to be in contact since or, are you both letting things drift?
i wrote her many messages, in which i tried to explain myself. it was a mistake. if you are interested, you can read what happened in another shitty thread, hahaha (i probably should have stick to one thread and to update it, and not create hundreds of new ones)

 
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MephiticShadow

MephiticShadow

Member
Nov 17, 2022
52
I understand exactly how you feel. Like our life experiences with friends are so close it almost feels like we are spiritual twins. Why is it that, people like us don't find other people like us to be friends with? 😭
We always fall in friend love with people like your friend instead
 
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