Venting Staying because I don't want to hurt my partner

[AmanSilvers]

I would have sent myself off to the great beyond a long time ago if it weren't for my partner, but I don't feel like I deserve it.
I don't have the will to actually ctb anymore because I don't want to hurt him. He is in school to get a fancy degree and he has good prospects. I would hate to interrupt that and make things worse for him. I am really down right now and maybe I don't always consciously think this but it I'm just here so I don't set off a nuclear bomb on his life. I've been feeling like this on and off for years. Sometimes it feels like he loves the potential version of me that is not depressed. The version of me that doesn't exist.

I feel kind of guilty for feeling this way because I know there are a lot of people that don't even have someone there for them at all. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't helpful.

I have booked my first appointment with a therapist so hopefully I can eventually untangle all of this and be the version of me he sees instead of being the miserable fuck I've been this whole time.

 

[flowerbomb]

I sincerely hope therapy will help you!

 

[sapphirebunnie]

I feel the same way. I don't want to hurt him because i know hes already gone through enough in his past, and something like this may just fuck him up even more. I hope therapy goes well.

 

[apgpfk]

i hope the therapy goes well for you! weaving through your past & thought processes can be difficult but i'm cheering for you :)

 

[DungEater]

Hope it all works out for you

 

[zdeweilx]

I wish you to get better but in case you don't, perhaps you could break up with him before doing anything. He will move on and eventually replace you without suffering from such a traumatic event.

 

[K14~♡]

Sometimes it feels like he loves the potential version of me that is not depressed. The version of me that doesn't exist. Hopefully I can eventually untangle all of this and be the version of me he sees instead of being the miserable fuck I've been this whole time.

I hope this is just negative thinking and that he actually loves you for who you are in reality, regardless of how you are or whatever version it is
I'm sorry if this is offending to say ToT Just wanted to say that who you are at present time is what should be loved, not the potential that only exists in other's mind rn

Anyways, tho just repeating what others have said- I also hope it all goes well for you

 

[SASU-KE]

Proud of you for trying to get better,that's all anyone can do,first give it all you've got

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Glad you are here, and thanks for sharing. It's amazing being in love, and that anchor can be just the thing that holds us in place long enough to get through the storms of life. Best wishes to you both, and welcome

 

[deny_conformity]

I would have sent myself off to the great beyond a long time ago if it weren't for my partner, but I don't feel like I deserve it.
I don't have the will to actually ctb anymore because I don't want to hurt him. He is in school to get a fancy degree and he has good prospects. I would hate to interrupt that and make things worse for him. I am really down right now and maybe I don't always consciously think this but it I'm just here so I don't set off a nuclear bomb on his life. I've been feeling like this on and off for years. Sometimes it feels like he loves the potential version of me that is not depressed. The version of me that doesn't exist.

I feel kind of guilty for feeling this way because I know there are a lot of people that don't even have someone there for them at all. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't helpful.

I have booked my first appointment with a therapist so hopefully I can eventually untangle all of this and be the version of me he sees instead of being the miserable fuck I've been this whole time.

I'm glad you're attempting therapy because only living for someone else puts a lot of strain on the relationship. I did a similar thing with my ex-wife, she was the only reason I wasn't attempting suicide and when things broke down there I ended up in a coma from a suicide attempt.

I still don't feel like I have any reason to live but I don't currently have a pressing need to kill myself. I feel desperately alone but I'm regularly seeing a combination of mental health professionals (counsellor, care co-ordinator, psychiatrist, anyone else that will see me) in an attempt to fix things.

 

[AmanSilvers]

I'm glad you're attempting therapy because only living for someone else puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

This is really why I'm doing it. I desperately want him to live a good happy life and I know I'm throwing a wet blanket on that, even though he denied it once when I asked. I can't fault him for lying about it.

I still don't feel like I have any reason to live but I don't currently have a pressing need to kill myself. I feel desperately alone but I'm regularly seeing a combination of mental health professionals (counsellor, care co-ordinator, psychiatrist, anyone else that will see me) in an attempt to fix things.

I sincerely hope things will get better for you.

Thank you for your message.

I hope this is just negative thinking and that he actually loves you for who you are in reality, regardless of how you are or whatever version it is
I'm sorry if this is offending to say ToT Just wanted to say that who you are at present time is what should be loved, not the potential that only exists in other's mind rn

When I wrote the original post for this thread I was in the lowest low I've experienced in ages. So, I was definitely not thinking straight about things. I think I had latched onto something that I figure is true: he would be happier in our relationship if I wasn't mentally ill. He hasn't said anything like that to me, but it would be odd if it wasn't true. Anyway I am feeling better than I was before, and I can confirm that he does actually love me. I like to imagine that I still have enough self-respect that I wouldn't be staying with someone that didn't, haha.

Anyways, tho just repeating what others have said- I also hope it all goes well for you

Thank you for the kind message. :)

 

[deny_conformity]

I sincerely hope things will get better for you.

Thank you for your message.

I'm taking things one day at a time, my goal each morning is to make it to the end of the day and so far successful, only one slip up last year... which was more like falling down the stairs (I put myself in a coma for a week)

 

[FailedNav]

I have booked my first appointment with a therapist so hopefully I can eventually untangle all of this and be the version of me he sees instead of being the miserable fuck I've been this whole time.

Best of luck with therapy. I'm sure that people on here have more experience with therapy than me...but its been my experience that you may need try more than one therapist. Some just aren't comfortable talking about difficult topics. I've heard some people recommend that you ask some hypothetical questions to get a feel for how they would handle different scenarios.