Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Honestly today... having come to the final acceptance of a method that isn't per say my first choice... I'm feeling depressed.
Haaaa it's making me re-think some things. Likeeee this week is a low money week. Unless I can swing a lil smthin here and there. Or sell an instrument. Then its just a low money week. I don't really want anything anymore anyway tho.
I dunno my point is starting next week I'm not gonna spend it in scarcity bc wtf is the point. Im dying soon why spend it starving and miserable. The starving had its place for me and I'll probs be spending the next week within that realm for my own reasons but yeee after that? After I purchase SN and such and wait & get things ready... I'm just gonna go off/in on things.
Though when I think of it there isn't much I wanna do anyway. It's just depressing. Sometimes I've thought oh well once its the end I'll be freed in ways and nahh not really. I won't be free till I'm gone/no longer alive. But starting next week I'll be spending my time stoned & loaded with lots of CBD chillin. No point in being ultra depressed or down as I'm waiting to CTB.
I don't have a huge bucket list of anything honestly. Just... cannabis, food, anime, yeahhh thats it? Just comfort and whatever laughter I can manage honestly. CTB is hard enough so like why make it harder for myself is my current thought flow.
I'm def feeling the misery of an approaching end. I thought/hoped it would feel better than this but alas I'm not that suprised it doesn't feel great.
For some reason it brings me back to a memory of the first house I lived in as a kid. We moved from there when I was like 8-9yrs old and I don't wanna think about it too much. I have a feeling I experienced abuse when I was a child that my brain has forgotten and I ain't tryna dig that up right before I'm getting closer to the bus.
Anyway Ig my story/rambles point was I'm tryna make these last few weeks / last month be filled with the least amount of misery I can manage and thats my like dying wishes / goals.
Im disappointed its not more grandiose than fucking take out & anime but whatever this end is mine and mine alone. I'm not capable of more anyway tbh.
Haaaa it's making me re-think some things. Likeeee this week is a low money week. Unless I can swing a lil smthin here and there. Or sell an instrument. Then its just a low money week. I don't really want anything anymore anyway tho.
I dunno my point is starting next week I'm not gonna spend it in scarcity bc wtf is the point. Im dying soon why spend it starving and miserable. The starving had its place for me and I'll probs be spending the next week within that realm for my own reasons but yeee after that? After I purchase SN and such and wait & get things ready... I'm just gonna go off/in on things.
Though when I think of it there isn't much I wanna do anyway. It's just depressing. Sometimes I've thought oh well once its the end I'll be freed in ways and nahh not really. I won't be free till I'm gone/no longer alive. But starting next week I'll be spending my time stoned & loaded with lots of CBD chillin. No point in being ultra depressed or down as I'm waiting to CTB.
I don't have a huge bucket list of anything honestly. Just... cannabis, food, anime, yeahhh thats it? Just comfort and whatever laughter I can manage honestly. CTB is hard enough so like why make it harder for myself is my current thought flow.
I'm def feeling the misery of an approaching end. I thought/hoped it would feel better than this but alas I'm not that suprised it doesn't feel great.
For some reason it brings me back to a memory of the first house I lived in as a kid. We moved from there when I was like 8-9yrs old and I don't wanna think about it too much. I have a feeling I experienced abuse when I was a child that my brain has forgotten and I ain't tryna dig that up right before I'm getting closer to the bus.
Anyway Ig my story/rambles point was I'm tryna make these last few weeks / last month be filled with the least amount of misery I can manage and thats my like dying wishes / goals.
Im disappointed its not more grandiose than fucking take out & anime but whatever this end is mine and mine alone. I'm not capable of more anyway tbh.
