Sourced SN, fingers crossed

[AllTheseQuestions]

Hi all.

I have known of this site for 2 years, and have been lurking heavily for 6 months.

I have thought about it extensively and have decided it's my time to leave this earth. I have found the DMC source, I'm just praying the SN arrives without any hiccup.

Benzos are not an issue for me to source here in the UK, being a heavy Benzo user for 4 years. Only got clean to ensure I was thinking rationally about my decision; but still dealing with the long term ramifications in that there is a fair chance my brain will never return to normal. Gambling addict too, clean from that but cannot undo the pain I have caused others. Oh and I abused steroids from 19 years old till my mid twenties, and I'm likely to need to inject Testoterone for the rest of my life.

There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world, and I am deeply ashamed to say I have contributed to the hurt in the ones I care about. I cannot live with the guilt and regret, knowing I can never undo it or put it right. I also know that if I stay alive I am only going to suck more people into this and end up hurting them too.

I don't know if I am somewhat unique to people here in that I am a perpetrator rather than a victim of the suffering in life. I don't know if anyone else is the same?


I do not have the balls (literally due to steroid abuse lol) for other methods. I have stood at beachy head, sure of my decision only to back out. Perhaps if I went on a rainy day rather than a sunny one the beautiful view wouldn't fill me with hope and I would do it? Beachy head would be my most preferable way to go out, there is just something so beautifully melancholic about the place. But unfortunately I can't do that, so SN it is.

I still need to get an antiemetic, and a test kit. Still work to do.

 

[WhatMightHaveBeen]

I'm a perpetrator, too. It's about a third or so of the reason I want to CTB.

I also abused steroids, but in my forties, and now I have low testosterone as a result. I have to live the rest of my life with no sex drive, except when I'm abusing high-potency cocaine or methamphetamine.

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

I'm a perpetrator, too. It's about a third or so of the reason I want to CTB.

I also abused steroids, but in my forties, and now I have low testosterone as a result. I have to live the rest of my life with no sex drive, except when I'm abusing high-potency cocaine or methamphetamine.

Thank you for your response and I'm sorry to hear that. Would you consider trt? I choose to because it improves quality of life, as oppose to having zero testosterone or estrogen.
The only thing I'm grateful for is how it has been a form of birth control, I would no doubt have had kids otherwise given how reckless I have been.

 

[WhatMightHaveBeen]

Thank you for your response and I'm sorry to hear that. Would you consider trt? I choose to because it improves quality of life, as oppose to having zero testosterone or estrogen.
The only thing I'm grateful for is how it has been a form of birth control, I would no doubt have had kids otherwise given how reckless I have been.

I did do TRT, but it turns out that any exogenous testosterone caused my eGFR numbers to skyrocket; it was destroying my kidneys. Also, simply adding testosterone doesn't automatically correct libido, which is dependent on the interplay of myriad other hormones that don't get as much press as test does. Nobody warns you that simple TRT isn't a fix and can cause other complications with the kidneys.

Thank you for your response and I'm sorry to hear that. Would you consider trt? I choose to because it improves quality of life, as oppose to having zero testosterone or estrogen.
The only thing I'm grateful for is how it has been a form of birth control, I would no doubt have had kids otherwise given how reckless I have been.

Here is a TRT forum where I used to post. The number one complaint was low or no libido on TRT. Muscle size and strength are the only qualities which directly correlate to increased testosterone levels, not libido.