Discussion Sometimes it feels good when I want to die.

[Ksmиda]

I've recovered to the point that over the past year, I only got that feeling of wanting to die once every week or so.
However, when my depression returns on those bad days, I enjoy it and it feels good(?) for some strange reason. I don't know why, maybe it's because it's a lot stronger that my other feelings in day-to-day life. It's a bit scary, because it makes me think that I'll return to how I was when I attempted to ctb.
Does anyone else feel the same way?

 

[carnivalforone]

the good feeling youre experiencing is your mind just being "comfortable" with that depression, you were sad to a point for so long that your mind found it to be a sort of comfort feeling and now you feel it again when it gets bad, this is normal but yeah its just because your brain kind of gets used to and even learns to enjoy that feeling

 

[reallysleepy]

In therapy I came to the conclusion that thinking about ctb makes me feel good because I feel like I'm control of my life in that moment, I know what I want, how I want it and when and that makes me feel safe. Maybe that could be your case too?

 

[Ksmиda]

the good feeling youre experiencing is your mind just being "comfortable" with that depression, you were sad to a point for so long that your mind found it to be a sort of comfort feeling and now you feel it again when it gets bad, this is normal but yeah its just because your brain kind of gets used to and even learns to enjoy that feeling

Thank you, it makes sense now

In therapy I came to the conclusion that thinking about ctb makes me feel good because I feel like I'm control of my life in that moment, I know what I want, how I want it and when and that makes me feel safe. Maybe that could be your case too?

Yeah, I think the same way. Knowing that I could ctb when things get really bad brings me some comfort.

 

[achb]

I noticed something similar about myself a couple of years ago. Whenever I was super stressed or panicking or feeling strong negative emotions, imagining myself (or imaginary people sometimes) dying or committing calmed me down and made me feel better.

For me, I think it was a sort of coping mechanism like cutting. Creating mental pain to distract from the pain I am already feeling. Making a more manageable and controlled pain to substitute that I am more used to. That sort of thing.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

I experience this a lot actually and have trouble explaining it to people. I think its because I am so comfortable with my coping mechanisms and the relief they give me. Usually when I start to downward spiral Ill fall back on comfort activities like, smoking, watching a comfort show, gaming for longer then longer. Along with more technical coping mechanisms like meditating, controlled breathing etc. But when I start to spiral I don't think about how bad I feel I think about the relief I will get when I can leave my current situation and enter my safe space (usually my bedroom) .

---

But also that feeling of depression is a very familiar one. To a certain extent it is one I know how to carry on with. When I feel like this I also surround myself with media that reflect my mood, like sad or thrillers esk tv or movies. Again it creates a mood I am very familiar with and conformable with. I feel like when I am in this mood there is no need to fight to stay happy since I'm already not. There is no pressure if I fall back in depressions if I'm already there. Any happiness I do feel is a nice sunrise and I'm extra thankful for it.

Glad I'm not alone in feeling this