Sometimes I wish I’d pulled the trigger.

[poofart]

A couple of months ago, I sat alone in a hotel room with a loaded rifle pointed to my head. I sat there for a while trying to build up the courage, but I couldn't.

Well, now I'm sitting here today, still depressed, and wishing that I hadn't been such a pussy. I no longer have access to any firearms. If I'd just done it, I wouldn't have to be feeling like fucking garbage all the time. I'm at university now, and I have basically zero friends. I lost all my friends from high school. I'm embarrassingly lonely.

I'm not actively suicidal, I don't think, but damn would shit have been easier if I'd just pulled the trigger. None of these negative feelings would be here. I could be done with it all.

It's only going to get worse, too, with the seasons changing. November is notoriously one of my worst months. I'll probably still end up CTB, but it won't be as certain of a method.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that those who don't go through with ctb are cowardly, the reality is that people should be able to access reliable methods whenever they want when the time feels right for them. It must be awful for you to have lost access to that method but anyway I wish you the best.