sometimes i forget that this is the real deal

[nembutal]

that death is permanent. that the same feelings i have experienced with grief may be experienced by someone else because of me. i just read up on someone's passing and grew emotional over a song they had posted on their yt. this is real and it's sickening and it's terrifying and i don't know whether i want to live or die anymore. im sick of this pain but the way i am dealing with it is so saddening. so sad.

 

[Lake]

Yes, it's quite the dilemma.

To add to your point; if one's family has a history of suicide, then, it's hard to shake the thought, that committing the act will cause someone else to share the feelings of the 'suicidee' and eventually do the same thing, in response.

I'm quite sure that if my family found out about my intentional-passing, then, some of them may choose to do the same.

But, what's there to do...? Live, while constantly struggling to do so..?

Personally, I've nearly moved past the thought(s) of 'living to spare others pain', but still, what you've brought up makes it all the more difficult.

At the very least, you can know that you're not alone in your thoughts/feelings.