sometimes i feel i want to stay sick

[dinosavr]

I've been struggling with dysthymia/depression on and off for a few years now. Recently stuff got much worse and brought me here.

I have people who support me and a full time job so I can afford help. I've been taking antidepressants for ~4 months and they seem to "finally" start working. BUT sometimes I feel like I don't want them to work.

A part of me really enjoys being depressed. Laying down on my bed 24/7 is actually easy. It hurts to feel like that but I find comfort in my suffering, paradoxically.

Do you ever feel this way? Like,, when I struggle to brush my teeth or eat anything, at the end of the day it's easier than facing it all that is waiting for me if I choose to heal.
I will have to take care of my physical health, do something with my hair, with my face, buy some new clothes, start eating healthy, stop spending all days in my bed and you know just every single part of my life requires fixing. How am I supposed to want that? It seems so incredibly difficult.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

After living with depression for awhile you get used to it, as if it was a friend. In reality, it's a coddling demon that will do everything in it's power (what YOU give it)
to end you. I wouldn't say its easier to lay in bed but it is what you're used to. And transitioning to a "healthy" lifestyle feels alien until you're used to it.

 

[sadboi]

I can completely relate… I don't want to get better, I just want to go to sleep and slip away forever. My new therapist asks me about what I "want" or about my future n it's hard to discuss these things because I don't want a future. I don't want to get better.

When I get frustrated about how I keep failing at my attempts to CTB, I then start to think about what that failure means. How I'm going to have to figure out how to live. How to support myself and rejoin my life. How much more disappointment and pain I'm going to have to endure, how much more bullshit I'll have to put up with just to stay living a life I don't even want. Just the thought of it all makes me so tired. I'd really honestly prefer to just opt out of it all.

My depression feels like hope that maybe I won't need to deal with any of that. If I can just figure out how to end it all I won't need to worry about all of the things I'm going to continue to fuck up by being alive. There's a weird comfort in it tbh. But then I disappoint myself all over again by not being able to succeed at CTB.

 

[pigwithpearlnecklac]

I absolutely get this. I think also a big part of it is that your sickness becomes what is familiar to you. Moving from that comfortable and familiar space of sadness is so difficult, no one likes to step out of their comfort zone. There was a certain point where I didn't want to get better at all because I had grown so used to being unwell, and I didn't really know who I was if not mentally ill. I think it's the same for a lot of people I met in psych wards, whether they were aware of it at the time or not. This was years ago now, but I still find myself slipping into that way of thinking, and it definitely keeps the vicious cycle going thats for sure

 

[jungman]

I don't know enough about you to know if this applies, but I can at least claim it's very very common among depressed people, and it's almost impossible for this NOT to occur to some extent in anyone who's been depressed for long enough:

When people are depressed for a while, it is very natural that they end up identifying with their depression. e.g. some people take on the persona of the "suffering artist" type, and though they don't like suffering, they respect their view of themselves as a sufferer. There are a lot of other types of identities other than the "suffering artist", but that's the most clear-cut to use as an example.

A more common but less clear example stems from depressed people feeling ressentiment towards "happy people". This is very common in anyone who's been depressed for a number of years, especially if it happens during their teenage years. This type of ressentiment combined with the self-loathing of depression creates a compensatory need to feel superior to the "happy people" in some way, and it is very easy to come up with a rationalization that fulfills this need for compensation. e.g. "normal people are so shallow/stupid/fake/etc, they don't see reality as deeply as I do, or their behavior is fake and less genuine then mine. Their happiness is a lie." This view of "healthy/happy/normal people" gets internalized, and then, necessarily, the opposite view gets internalized as well: "I am deeper, or more genuine, or more real, then everyone else because of my depression(or the inverse - I am depressed BECAUSE I am more deep/genuine/real than regular people)."

Once this opposite view is internalized it creates a positive identification with the depression - it becomes a valued(or at least respected) part of yourself, something that makes you special or defines who you are or sets you apart from the masses. As with any piece of your identity, especially a valued one, it is very difficult(and painful) to destroy - and destroying this identification is a necessary step in overcoming your depression, as you can't maintain this "depressed" aspect of your identity without actually continuing to be depressed.


Unfortunately, it's a bit of a "leap of faith" to decide to let that part of your identity go and endure the pain that goes along with that, trusting that, eventually, new and more "true" aspects of your identity will bubble up to replace these "artificial" aspects of your identity created by the depression. And to trust that these "new" aspects of yourself will be more meaningful, fulfilling, and valuable to you than your current depressive aspects. I say "unfortunately" because I know this kind of "leap of faith" is the hardest thing to do for someone in a depressed state; it amounts to asking someone who is already suffering to endure MORE suffering in order to find their way out, and the promise of happiness/fulfillment isn't a good motivator because the pathology of depression makes it difficult to even perceive that as a possible outcome. In some cases, happiness/fulfillment isn't even a desireable outcome for a depressed person - but that's a whole other topic.

 

[dinosavr]

I don't know enough about you to know if this applies, but I can at least claim it's very very common among depressed people, and it's almost impossible for this NOT to occur to some extent in anyone who's been depressed for long enough:

When people are depressed for a while, it is very natural that they end up identifying with their depression. e.g. some people take on the persona of the "suffering artist" type, and though they don't like suffering, they respect their view of themselves as a sufferer. There are a lot of other types of identities other than the "suffering artist", but that's the most clear-cut to use as an example.

A more common but less clear example stems from depressed people feeling ressentiment towards "happy people". This is very common in anyone who's been depressed for a number of years, especially if it happens during their teenage years. This type of ressentiment combined with the self-loathing of depression creates a compensatory need to feel superior to the "happy people" in some way, and it is very easy to come up with a rationalization that fulfills this need for compensation. e.g. "normal people are so shallow/stupid/fake/etc, they don't see reality as deeply as I do, or their behavior is fake and less genuine then mine. Their happiness is a lie." This view of "healthy/happy/normal people" gets internalized, and then, necessarily, the opposite view gets internalized as well: "I am deeper, or more genuine, or more real, then everyone else because of my depression(or the inverse - I am depressed BECAUSE I am more deep/genuine/real than regular people)."

Once this opposite view is internalized it creates a positive identification with the depression - it becomes a valued(or at least respected) part of yourself, something that makes you special or defines who you are or sets you apart from the masses. As with any piece of your identity, especially a valued one, it is very difficult(and painful) to destroy - and destroying this identification is a necessary step in overcoming your depression, as you can't maintain this "depressed" aspect of your identity without actually continuing to be depressed.


Unfortunately, it's a bit of a "leap of faith" to decide to let that part of your identity go and endure the pain that goes along with that, trusting that, eventually, new and more "true" aspects of your identity will bubble up to replace these "artificial" aspects of your identity created by the depression. And to trust that these "new" aspects of yourself will be more meaningful, fulfilling, and valuable to you than your current depressive aspects. I say "unfortunately" because I know this kind of "leap of faith" is the hardest thing to do for someone in a depressed state; it amounts to asking someone who is already suffering to endure MORE suffering in order to find their way out, and the promise of happiness/fulfillment isn't a good motivator because the pathology of depression makes it difficult to even perceive that as a possible outcome. In some cases, happiness/fulfillment isn't even a desireable outcome for a depressed person - but that's a whole other topic.

Wowww! That actually makes so much sense. Thank you very much for this answer