I have long felt a desire to try again, to do everything differently, to give myself another chance—to not have it end like this. I thought that I would begin again in high school and do what was needed to get into college. Study something which I loved and find a career which was fulfilling, inspiring, and worthwhile for the world. Have friends, a family, a home—find stability and peace while remaining punk rock and melancholic.
However, about six years ago, I was reading a zine by one of my favorites in which she was examining the same type of frustrations (she and I are of a similar age)—she, too, felt a desire to do it all over again, try harder, figure it out. Though she came to a conclusion which took my breath away: She realized that if she could go back and do what was needed to go to school, et-cetera, she wouldn't have survived—had she done anything differently she wouldn't have survived. It is precisely because we are unable to cope with and function within the limitations of our worlds that has lead us to where we are—simply and desperately trying to survive however we can… And, in my case, eventually running out of ideas for how to do so.
Doing it all over again would change nothing. In order for things to be different we would have to abandon ourselves completely—which is part of the reason why reincarnation is a compelling idea: It is essentially shaking the dice cup of existences and rolling a different self.
Though I certainly do relate to and commiserate with the desire to start all of this over from the beginning :)
. I don't see a point to starting over, it's the fundamental experience of inhabiting a human body with thoughts and feelings I take issue with. But I understand wanting that, I think it's quite common actually.
