I don't actually want to die, this is what I want instead

[redkitsune98]

I want to go back to how happy I was the end of july.
I had my soulmate and he would fight the whole world for me, but then things started going awry and I lost the only person who ever made me feel complete.
I wish I had a way to get him back. I wish I could log on to someone's instagram account and have a deep conversation acting like I am somebody else, so that he could see how much it hurts to try to heal away from the one you love. That could make him remember me and think of helping me.
I wish I could just be right now in front of him, all fucked up and hurt because some gang beat me up, and he could see me like that and choose to help me.
I wish I could go back in time and relive the happy times we had together.
I wish I could wait a few years and meet him again and start something new.
I wish he was here

 

[Reflection]

I'm sorry for you, heartbreak is one of the worst emotional feelings out there... I am in the same boat and have been so for a year now, ironically it only kept getting worse for me, I gave up on moving on and the only thing keeping me alive now is a faint hope of reconciliation. So as much as I know that it might come off as hypocritical, I hope you atleast give it some more time, perhaps you'll be able to move on, or maybe he might even come back, who knows.

 

[KillingPain267]

I wish I could go back in time and relive the happy times we had together.

This hit me right in the feels

 

[redkitsune98]

I'm sorry for you, heartbreak is one of the worst emotional feelings out there... I am in the same boat and have been so for a year now, ironically it only kept getting worse for me, I gave up on moving on and the only thing keeping me alive now is a faint hope of reconciliation. So as much as I know that it might come off as hypocritical, I hope you atleast give it some more time, perhaps you'll be able to move on, or maybe he might even come back, who knows.

I believe he won't. He made it very clear he believes being by my side would only hurt both of us. I gave up already. Unless if someone could convince him to come back, he would never

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm sorry for you, heartbreak is one of the worst emotional feelings out there...

Studies show it literally damages the brain. Even children who witness their parents going through heartbreak or divorce are affected. Heck, even just random adults having an argument has been shown to affect the ability of babies to concentrate on a fun task.

the only thing keeping me alive now is a faint hope of reconciliation.

Same!!! But that window is slowly closing for me. So I am looking more and more towards an end to everything.

 

[po1sentree]

Focus on yourself and your healing. As long as you're alive, you'll find the right person eventually. I've heard that you attract people based on who you are, not necessarily who you want to attract. Don't let your past hold you back, as clinging to it will only cause more pain in the end.

 

[redkitsune98]

Focus on yourself and your healing. As long as you're alive, you'll find the right person eventually. I've heard that you attract people based on who you are, not necessarily who you want to attract. Don't let your past hold you back, as clinging to it will only cause more pain in the end.

You might be right but I don't buy into it. He was absolute perfection and I don't wanna settle for second best. If it's not him, then I am going to CTB. I've wanted this for half my life

 

[Reflection]

Same!!! But that window is slowly closing for me. So I am looking more and more towards an end to everything.

I wish we didn't have to feel this way, it's just horrible. At this point I think I'm being delusional but given that I hear sometimes they do come back when given enough space and time, I'm afraid that by catching the bus sooner I might miss out on it, and my biggesr fears would end up coming through anyway, so I wanna make sure that I've atleast done everything possible.

 

[po1sentree]

You might be right but I don't buy into it. He was absolute perfection and I don't wanna settle for second best. If it's not him, then I am going to CTB. I've wanted this for half my life

It's a heartbreaking reason for some to end their lives. Ultimately, it's your decision. I hope things turn around for you and the person returns.

 

[redkitsune98]

I wish we didn't have to feel this way, it's just horrible. At this point I think I'm being delusional but given that I hear sometimes they do come back when given enough space and time, I'm afraid that by catching the bus sooner I might miss out on it, and my biggesr fears would end up coming through anyway, so I wanna make sure that I've atleast done everything possible.

I tried waiting but it hurts too much. He will not come back unless a miracle happens. I'm ruined

It's a heartbreaking reason for some to end their lives. Ultimately, it's your decision. I hope things turn around for you and the person returns.

I hope so too but unless someone actually goes talk to him and makes him change his mind, there's no chance of that happening

 

[KillingPain267]

I wish we didn't have to feel this way, it's just horrible. At this point I think I'm being delusional but given that I hear sometimes they do come back when given enough space and time, I'm afraid that by catching the bus sooner I might miss out on it, and my biggesr fears would end up coming through anyway, so I wanna make sure that I've atleast done everything possible.

I simply could never understand how someone could just move on, or worse, find a new partner. It just doesn't compute in my mind. And I even thought it would be possible, seeing characters in movies or persons in real life, being sad for a bit, sure, but then moving on fast and continue to be functional and happy people.

I read an article that said to give yourself 2 weeks to be sad from heartbreak and then no more and move on after that. That actually gave me hope at first. But I fell deeper and deeper and now see no way out of this pain. Some people are just not resilient enough for the cruelty of this world I guess.

 

[redkitsune98]

I simply could never understand how someone could just move on, or worse, find a new partner. It just doesn't compute in my mind. And I even thought it would be possible, seeing characters in movies or persons in real life, being sad for a bit, sure, but then moving on fast and continue to be functional and happy people.

I read an article that said to give yourself 2 weeks to be sad from heartbreak and then no more and move on after that. That actually gave me hope at first. But I fell deeper and deeper and now see no way out of this pain. Some people are just not resilient enough for the cruelty of this world I guess.

I think I'll never move on. Ages could pass and I would still long for his pretty voice saying he loves me. I don't know what to do. I wish I had a friend with a spare instagram account I could borrow to just try to see what can happen in a conversation with him. I can't do that, it's stalking, but maybe I could tell him a made up story that could make him remember how much I need him and how much he loved me

 

[Reflection]

I simply could never understand how someone could just move on, or worse, find a new partner. It just doesn't compute in my mind. And I even thought it would be possible, seeing characters in movies or persons in real life, being sad for a bit, sure, but then moving on fast and continue to be functional and happy people.

I read an article that said to give yourself 2 weeks to be sad from heartbreak and then no more and move on after that. That actually gave me hope at first. But I fell deeper and deeper and now see no way out of this pain. Some people are just not resilient enough for the cruelty of this world I guess.

I guess when you really love someone from the bottom of your heart there is no going back. This is why I genuinely don't get it when people say ":you'll find someone else, there are plenty of fish etc..." I don't understand what that would achieve, because it's not loneliness or physical need that is causing my pain than can be clogged by replacing them, it's loss and the fact that my person is going to be having a family with someone else...and I'm afraid there's nothing that can be done about that. Thry are what matters to me to the most as a whole, not as a body or emotional tampon.

 

[KillingPain267]

I think I'll never move on. Ages could pass and I would still long for his pretty voice saying he loves me. I don't know what to do. I wish I had a friend with a spare instagram account I could borrow to just try to see what can happen in a conversation with him. I can't do that, it's stalking, but maybe I could tell him a made up story that could make him remember how much I need him and how much he loved me

I thought of making a voice AI version of the person who left me, lol. But my mind cannot bring itself to believe it's real no matter how well the technology could imitate them.

I guess when you really love someone from the bottom of your heart there is no going back. This is why I genuinely don't get it when people say ":you'll find someone else, there are plenty of fish etc..." I don't understand what that would achieve, because it's not loneliness or physical need that is causing my pain than can be clogged by replacing them, it's loss and the fact that my person is going to be having a family with someone else...and I'm afraid there's nothing that can be done about that. Thry are what matters to me to the most as a whole, not as a body or emotional tampon.

Exactly! It's not some object we lost, but an individual. Individuals can never be replaced. We recognize that even with inanimate objects people have emotions. Take for example "grandma's watch" or something. It has sentimental value, not functional value. It may be dirty and not even work anymore, but upon losing the watch or it being destroyed, nobody says "just buy a new watch". It would actually be disrespectful.

When I told my welfare case worker that I have crippling nostalgia about my ex, crying at just the thought of memories, he said "you are still young and still have time to start a family and make new memories". And I just thought to myself that it's not how it works in my mind. Little does he know, that my heartbreak has made a pessimist and antinatalist who will never bring children into this cruel world and that I plan to end it all before becoming old, or my welfare runs out and I have to toil in some office when I can barely concentrate due to triggers bringing up memories with my ex automatically, and then tears start flowing.

 

[redkitsune98]

Yeah and every moment it gets worse. He's there living a normal life and I am here longing for a simple "hello"

 

[Davey40210]

Ohh I felt that. My ex was just so perfect and I messed it up myself :-(

She also moved on almost immediately and it hurts so much.

And I only have myself to blame.

I just want to leave this life.

 

[redkitsune98]

Ohh I felt that. My ex was just so perfect and I messed it up myself :-(

She also moved on almost immediately and it hurts so much.

And I only have myself to blame.

I just want to leave this life.

He doesnt give a fuck about the person 1 month ago he said he would stop his life for

 

[Davey40210]

He doesnt give a fuck about the person 1 month ago he said he would stop his life for

You mean your ex said he would stop his life for you?

 

[Trav1989]

I want to go back to how happy I was the end of july.
I had my soulmate and he would fight the whole world for me, but then things started going awry and I lost the only person who ever made me feel complete.
I wish I had a way to get him back. I wish I could log on to someone's instagram account and have a deep conversation acting like I am somebody else, so that he could see how much it hurts to try to heal away from the one you love. That could make him remember me and think of helping me.
I wish I could just be right now in front of him, all fucked up and hurt because some gang beat me up, and he could see me like that and choose to help me.
I wish I could go back in time and relive the happy times we had together.
I wish I could wait a few years and meet him again and start something new.
I wish he was here

I understand your pain, my wife left me after 6 years and I always told her I meant my marriage vows and that I couldn't imagine a life without her. I am a genuine person and the furthest you can get from a liar and I'm about to make good on that promise once my SN arrives. I tried dating a few times but the connection just wasn't there and it was clear they had no idea of the pain I went through so I ended things with them.


When you send someone you want to be in a relationship with a 4 paragraph message after talking for a month about the trauma you've experienced and their reply was "That sucks" and immediately after they write "Want to stop by and get some burgers with me?" and then when you call them they act like you didn't just spill your guts to them and want to talk about Taylor Swift and if I preferred fried or baked chicken.

It all just truly made me realize that I'm alone and never will be able to truly connect with anyone again.

 

[Valhala]

I completely understand you because I am in a very similar situation. If that person is really the right one for you, the passing time will not and cannot help you to overcome it, in the best case maybe you can learn to live with it, but that loss will remain forever and no one can ever make up for it, believe me. People who talk about overcoming and finding new love are those who have not experienced that complete combat with someone that happens once in 1000 cases and you have to understand them, they are simply not able to understand your pain in completely because they have never experienced such love and harmony with someone. And yes, such a person and such love is one and only for the whole life and absolutely irreplaceable, such love is more valuable than anything and one can really die for it. Most people do not have the privilege to experience such love and they simply try to rationalize it in accordance with their own experience. I have a lot of life experience behind me, three marriages and a lot of emotional relationships, but if you put it all together it is not worth just an hour spent with her. What I am with her felt and experienced, that degree of emotional and physical closeness, compatibility and attraction, I have never experienced such commitment and personal transformation in my life. After that, after her, my entire existence on earth became meaningless, without her I am no longer and cannot be complete and whole, I miss her as if a part of my body and a part of my soul were torn away. The only thing that keeps me physically alive is that last one, a small glimmer of hope that maybe one day we will reconcile and be together, but everyday life without her is an unbearable hell and suffering, I think about her constantly, I dream about her often, I cannot and will never be able to accept that I live without her. There is no alternative for her in my life and when I even think of someone else I feel indescribable repulsion, for me there is simply only her, and that strong, mental bridge that will forever exist between us, despite everything.

 

[Davey40210]

I understand your pain, my wife left me after 6 years and I always told her I meant my marriage vows and that I couldn't imagine a life without her. I am a genuine person and the furthest you can get from a liar and I'm about to make good on that promise once my SN arrives. I tried dating a few times but the connection just wasn't there and it was clear they had no idea of the pain I went through so I ended things with them.


When you send someone you want to be in a relationship with a 4 paragraph message after talking for a month about the trauma you've experienced and their reply was "That sucks" and immediately after they write "Want to stop by and get some burgers with me?" and then when you call them they act like you didn't just spill your guts to them and want to talk about Taylor Swift and if I preferred fried or baked chicken.

It all just truly made me realize that I'm alone and never will be able to truly connect with anyone again.

I'm so sorry to hear that. You told her everything you are going through and she just doesn't get it.

I hope you have some time to think before you take the SN. You may have just met the wrong person, there could be someone out there for you.

Not like me, she wanted to be with me more than anything and I just destroyed it myself

 

[Valhala]

Тако ми је жао што то чујем. Рекао си јој све кроз шта пролазиш, а она то једноставно не схвата.

Надам се да ћете имати времена да размислите пре него што узмете СН. Можда сте управо упознали погрешну особу, можда постоји неко за вас.

Не као ја, она је хтела да буде са мном више од свега и ја сам то сам уништио

The exact same thing happened with me, she wanted to be with me, she loved me, and I destroyed it all by myself by breaking off the relationship several times, even though I always loved her endlessly. That was the biggest mistake in my life, I lost her trust and her.

 

[redkitsune98]

You mean your ex said he would stop his life for you?

He did. He promised if he needed to leave everything behind and start over with me, he would

 

[Davey40210]

He did. He promised if he needed to leave everything behind and start over with me, he would

Wow - that's so deceitful.

 

[Reflection]

Wow - that's so deceitful.

He was probably love-bombing her...or you know, some people just say those romantic things in the moment but dont actually mean them. My ex would say she'd never leave but once she changed her mind none of that mattered to her anymore. Even when I kept my promises and literally dropped everything for her when she needed me.

 

[redkitsune98]

He was probably love-bombing her

not really. he just was afraid to actually commit. it was so good and he was always so kind but he saw the darkness in me and ran. he said we both hurt each other and had to move on, i miss him, i need him, i wish someone in his life made him realize his mistake and come back, i wish he gave me the opportunity to talk, he was perfect

 

[Reflection]

not really. he just was afraid to actually commit. it was so good and he was always so kind but he saw the darkness in me and ran. he said we both hurt each other and had to move on, i miss him, i need him, i wish someone in his life made him realize his mistake and come back, i wish he gave me the opportunity to talk, he was perfect

I dont fully know your story, but either way he didn't mean what he said, and there's no way to know for sure what his intentions were, but he didn't follow through. When someone truly loves you, then unless you were abusive or fundementally bad for them then they will stay by your side. I've seen people stick with each other through thick and thin, that what true love is.

 

[redkitsune98]

I dont fully know your story, but either way he didn't mean what he said, and there's no way to know for sure what his intentions were, but he didn't follow through. When someone truly loves you, then unless you were abusive or fundementally bad for them then they will stay by your side. I've seen people stick with each other through thick and thin, that what true love is.

if anything, i truly loved him. I still do, i'd still do crazy shit for him. thats good, i can ctb knowing that, and dream of him forever

 

[Reflection]

if anything, i truly loved him. I still do, i'd still do crazy shit for him. thats good, i can ctb knowing that, and dream of him forever

I feel exactly the same right now and I really hope we all end up finding our peace.

 

[redkitsune98]

the other day i fucked up. i used someones phone and called him, said i love you, he hang up