pelicanportal
Member
- Jan 28, 2026
- 23
Hello (again) friends.
I am finding the recovery path very difficult. The emotions to CTB are more calm but the logic is ever present. How do I recover when there is nothing I want to live for?
Some crucial part of me left several years ago and I stopped really loving my pets. I provide for them but I have little love left. Sometimes care or concern strike but overall I am burdened/annoyed by them. I try to mimic or pantomime affection but it truly is not there. Good thing I didn't have kids, I guess.
I have and have never had a partner and this is the worst one. Putting myself out there has not gone well. There isn't a market for me. My world is very small and lonely. I would have liked to have known romantic love before I died, and in my 20s I could hold out thinking it was possible, but now in my 30s it is clear that it isn't happening.
I have one friend I would feel bad leaving behind, but sometimes I think maybe I am supposed to die so that they can become stronger. It doesn't seem logical. I think that is how I cope with the guilt but the guilt doesn't stop me.
Similarly, I would feel extremely bad about my grandparents who have done nothing but love and support me. But the pain is too much and they, thankfully in most ways, keep living. But these days I don't think i am going to outlive them. My grandfather is a logical man and I think in time he could help my grandmother and mother understand what I did and how badly I must have needed to go.
My hobbies are few and not enough. I won't regret not doing x or y or x. I have even fewer passions. I tried to indulge in one today and it isn't enough.
I hate myself a lot, a ton, it is the source of all my issues and I am losing faith that it can be fixed or that it is even worth trying. I am getting too old for this. How am I supposed to recover like this?
I am finding the recovery path very difficult. The emotions to CTB are more calm but the logic is ever present. How do I recover when there is nothing I want to live for?
Some crucial part of me left several years ago and I stopped really loving my pets. I provide for them but I have little love left. Sometimes care or concern strike but overall I am burdened/annoyed by them. I try to mimic or pantomime affection but it truly is not there. Good thing I didn't have kids, I guess.
I have and have never had a partner and this is the worst one. Putting myself out there has not gone well. There isn't a market for me. My world is very small and lonely. I would have liked to have known romantic love before I died, and in my 20s I could hold out thinking it was possible, but now in my 30s it is clear that it isn't happening.
I have one friend I would feel bad leaving behind, but sometimes I think maybe I am supposed to die so that they can become stronger. It doesn't seem logical. I think that is how I cope with the guilt but the guilt doesn't stop me.
Similarly, I would feel extremely bad about my grandparents who have done nothing but love and support me. But the pain is too much and they, thankfully in most ways, keep living. But these days I don't think i am going to outlive them. My grandfather is a logical man and I think in time he could help my grandmother and mother understand what I did and how badly I must have needed to go.
My hobbies are few and not enough. I won't regret not doing x or y or x. I have even fewer passions. I tried to indulge in one today and it isn't enough.
I hate myself a lot, a ton, it is the source of all my issues and I am losing faith that it can be fixed or that it is even worth trying. I am getting too old for this. How am I supposed to recover like this?
