Venting So close

[uglyugly]

My cat is being incredibly clingy today. She will not leave my side. It seems like she has to be directly touching me at all times, either cuddling up with me, sitting on my lap, rubbing up against me, standing on my legs on the toilet no matter how many times I push her off (what is it with cats and getting on our legs while we pee). We just took a nap together with her in my arms under the blanket with me. Normally she hates having a blanket on her, and generally she prefers to sleep next to me, not on me. Maybe she can sense something is coming.

Cats know. They always know. Yours knows. I believe she is trying to comfort you.

 

[DoneWithThisLife]

I haven't interacted with you very often but have been following this thread since the beginning. I could cry so hard. From all your posts on many topics it is plainly obvious you are a kind, caring, compassionate, super intelligent person (plus double points for being a cat lover!). You have spent your life giving to others and it saddens me that no-one could find a way to help you. I genuinely do not want to see such a wonderful person leave this world, but I do understand why you need this. You will be sorely missed by a lot of users here. I sincerely hope that you find eternal peace. <3

 

[willitpass]

Horrible headache today, I think from the caffeine withdrawal but I don't know. I'm also very dehydrated, haven't eaten in 18 hours, and am shitting liquid from all the laxatives, so it could be a number of things. Something is going on electrolyte wise because my heart rate is irregular and keeps dipping slightly brady despite having had an energy drink a couple hours ago. It is running from 50-80, pretty up and down an erratic. Nasty palpitations too. Nearly passing out every time I stand up but haven't taken my blood pressure yet. Good signs for fucking my electrolytes enough for Sunday. I need to heavily restrict food and fluids until then to keep them as fucked as possible since I won't be taking any more laxatives.
I feel really unwell right now.

 

[willitpass]

I'm starting to get things packed up for the hotel.

 

[willitpass]

I'm fully cleaned out for the last time. Just confirming with a red drink now. The clarifying with a red drink is such a strange ritual I have now that I think about it. There's no need, but I always feel like it's not done until I check that way. Regardless, I can't say I'll miss this. I feel so shaky and cold and tired and sick. I'm ready to let go of this life that I make such hell for myself.
Horrible muscle spasms.
Tingly lips too now. I wonder if my calcium is low.

 

[Ethel]

I'm fully cleaned out for the last time. Just confirming with a red drink now. The clarifying with a red drink is such a strange ritual I have now that I think about it. There's no need, but I always feel like it's not done until I check that way. Regardless, I can't say I'll miss this. I feel so shaky and cold and tired and sick. I'm ready to let go of this life that I make such hell for myself.
Horrible muscle spasms.
Tingly lips too now. I wonder if my calcium is low

Rest in great peace

 

[willitpass]

Nauseous today. Not sure if it's anxiety or electrolyte imbalance or dehydration or what. Once again, probably a mix of things. Trying to work on writing more notes but I don't have it in me. As much as it hurts me to say I think most of my loved ones will have to get on without one.
I don't feel good.

 

[willitpass]

It's not fair how life deals out hands. I'm wasting so much potential because my mind is broken irreparably. So much I could make out of this life but I don't feel joy. I don't feel successful. I don't feel like I want to be here. I'm numb. I'm tearing myself apart like a scrap car from the inside out because my stupid fucking head tells me to. I'm a prisoner of war to my own mind. I could do so much if I wasn't so fucked up.
My body and mind are both so tired. My body feel so much older than it is. I've done so much damage to myself, especially these last 9 months. My body is exhausted. I'm exhausted. My light is so slowly being smothered. It feels like my life is winding to a hault. Not a crash. A slow decent into death.
I've become so mentally ready for Sunday that I don't know what I'm going to do if they don't have it ready at the pharmacy. I can't fathom having to make it another several days. Usually the delay is 3-5 days. I have become so set on this date I will loose my mind if it doesn't happen.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so ready. I'm so tired. Ready to let go.

 

[willitpass]

Please god don't let the pharmacy delay. I've made peace with my date. With my death. I need it to work out like I've planned.

 

[sevennn]

this thread hurts to read. i'm sorry life has treated you this way

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Hey !
You don't know me I know...
But in another way I read lot of your posts and throughts. I just wish you the best. Anything you do.

G.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so tired. My bones ache. My body is exhausted.

 

[uglyugly]

I don't wish to wait for a long, long time. If it is going to take another 25-30 years for me to achieve peace then I am okay with leaving in discontent. I have fought long enough. I am tired. I am so, so exhausted with torturing myself every day. A lab rat gets better treatment than what I give to myself. And with what I do to myself I don't know that my body will make it that long anyway. I'm happy you were able to achieve peace in this lifetime after everything you went through.

I found some places that make lovely cremation jewellery, including options for male jewellery. I will leave behind recommendations for that as well to help give them a starting point if they want that.

Maybe it took me so long because I was incompetent, maybe others would heal more quickly. I respect whatever decision you make and I understand the total exhaustion. I wish you peace no matter what.

 

[imsotired35]

I don't want to come across as rude or inconsiderate but I saw in another thread you were aiming for sepsis? Are you still doing that or did the wound heal? There were a lot of replies in the thread and I found it overwhelming to read though them all.

I wish you a peaceful journey.

 

[willitpass]

Today's the day where I find out if my plan will come to fruition as hoped. I'll likely know by mid afternoon if they are refilling it or delaying it. I am comfortable with my date. I'm praying with all I have they have it ready and in stock.

 

[willitpass]

The pharmacy fucking delayed. Fuck. I was trying so hard to plan this around my life and do it when I wouldn't have things coming but now I don't fucking care. The day I get it is the day I'm doing it. I fucking called them last week telling them to order it and they didn't fucking do it. I told them to. I called them. It's not fucking fair.

 

[Tonkpils]

The pharmacy fucking delayed. Fuck. I was trying so hard to plan this around my life and do it when I wouldn't have things coming but now I don't fucking care. The day I get it is the day I'm doing it. I fucking called them last week telling them to order it and they didn't fucking do it. I told them to. I called them. It's not fucking fair.

Fuck I'm so sorry. Life really kicks us in the balls every chance it gets.

 

[nir]

The pharmacy fucking delayed. Fuck. I was trying so hard to plan this around my life and do it when I wouldn't have things coming but now I don't fucking care. The day I get it is the day I'm doing it. I fucking called them last week telling them to order it and they didn't fucking do it. I told them to. I called them. It's not fucking fair.

Did they say when it was delayed until??? It's so unprofessional of a pharmacy to delay medications. People can die from missed doses.

 

[willitpass]

Did they say when it was delayed until??? It's so unprofessional of a pharmacy to delay medications. People can die from missed doses.

I've been going back and forth with this pharmacy for months now. And this is the second pharmacy I've switched to. It's a rare medication so it's not kept in stock unless they order it but I've asked them time after time to order it early. I have ended up in a coma before I started this medication and honestly it's a miracle I've been doing relatively okay without taking it these last several months. It's usually a few days. I should have it in less than a week.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so angry. It's a sick fucking joke. I was so ready for tomorrow. I had prepped as best as I could. And now I can't even say fuck it and start overdosing on laxatives again because I don't have an exact date. I suppose I could set one for past when I'm guaranteed to have it but at this point I just want to do it ASAP.

 

[willitpass]

Binging this evening out of anger and emptiness. That was all I had getting me through these last few days and it's been ripped from me. I had a feeling it would happen but I was so hopeful it wouldn't.

 

[willitpass]

I hope it's here by Tuesday. I have commitments Wednesday and Thursday and Friday but at this point I'm willing to call in for all of them. No repercussions if I'm dead. My guess would be Wednesday at the latest, in which case I'll go where I have to be Wednesday and then get to the hotel as soon as check in allows, and call in for where I'm supposed to be Thursday-Friday.

 

[DoneWithThisLife]

I'm so sorry, this is just so fucking agonizing for you and I can feel your pain in your writing. I hope it arrives Tuesday and you can find the peace you deserve.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

hoping they do wtf they're supposed to do so you can find relief. i'll miss your candor but wishing you relief over all.

 

[willitpass]

I'll be gone before the end of the week. That's what's keeping me sane right now.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

will be looking out for your threads. thank you for everything you've contributed here. I know we're all strangers but we still feel for you. that doesn't change. I know you've been in pain a long fuckin time. i'm thankful you'll find peace soon.

 

[willitpass]

Since I'm not expecting CTB until Tuesday or Wednesday I've decided to take a bottle of Milk of Magnesia tonight. It should have worn off by Tuesday night.
Took a 4x dose of Milk of Magnesia and am onto my second suppository of the hour. I don't fucking care.

 

[willitpass]

I don't feel good.
I'm so dizzy.
It hurts to breathe.

 

[CatLvr]

I hope my cat doesn't go into a depression. I was in the hospital for a week once for medical issues and she was quite upset. The person watching her said she was aggressive and territorial towards other cats and extremely clingy towards the person watching her (not her normal behavior). She also peed on the floor despite never having done that otherwise. I don't know how she'll fare without me. I'm trying to love her as much as I can this week.

Can I send you a message??

My cat is being incredibly clingy today. She will not leave my side. It seems like she has to be directly touching me at all times, either cuddling up with me, sitting on my lap, rubbing up against me, standing on my legs on the toilet no matter how many times I push her off (what is it with cats and getting on our legs while we pee). We just took a nap together with her in my arms under the blanket with me. Normally she hates having a blanket on her, and generally she prefers to sleep next to me, not on me. Maybe she can sense something is coming.

Preparing for my final clean out today/tomorrow. I took a very large dose of milk of magnesia a few hours ago and am just waiting for it to kick in any minute now. I made my final grocery store trip today for a few last safe foods to last me through till the end. I've treated myself with buying a box of cereal and some milk. I'll have it after I'm cleaned out.

I now have 8 bottles of Visine total. 2 for the original plan. 6 to take if all else fails. All I need is that one bottle of pills and everything is ready.

She knows.