So close to buying a gun but I'm too scared to truly die

[stellaistired]

I know I should probably get my shit in order before I do so. Even the smallest things that are keeping me going is starting to not be enough. Doesn't matter if I have people around me or not. I wasn't built for this bullshit ass machine we call corporate America. I would rather die than spend majority of my check on rent all whole trudging through meaningless work. I'm in a state where it's stupid easy to buy a gun, private sellers don't need to give you those dumb ass questionnaires I don't think. I theoretically could just lie if they ask about any suicidal intent, it's not like the seller knew or would be at fault. Never liked lying though. Had to constantly lie about the stupidest things through childhood just to survive the household of my emotionally immature mother with zero anger management skills whatsoever. I want to feel hope but just like affordable housing and halfway decent jobs, hope is hard to find right now. All my family ever talks to me about majority of the time is work, job, work, job. Why do you need to know what I do at my job? I'm a fucking PREP COOK. It's in the title. Stop asking me how work was. It was WORK. Stop asking me if I've heard from other jobs. IF I HAD I WOULD'VE FUCKING TOLD YOU. And no. I'm not calling them back because it's their fucking job to get back to ME. The job market just doesn't work that way anymore. They do not care about whether your interested or not. All they want is cheap labor. I hate having these stupid ass fucking obligations to fulfill. I hate having shit I need to do before I leave. I just want to either bedrot 24/7 or just blow my brains out already. Guess I'm lazy but what fucking ever. IDGAF anymore but I'm too scared of the unknown. If labor is all we are here for then I'm fucking out of here. My gun of choice may be a diamondback given its cheap compared to others I've seen on sale. Never shot a gun before, would be my first and last time.

 

[TheVanishingPoint]

We are not here to work, but to survive, adapt, reproduce, and pass on our genes, keeping the species alive as long as the environment allows, in a blind and purposeless process.

 

[fedup1982]

I'm sorry you're in this deep state of dispair. The corporatism of modern life feels like slave labour.

I empathise with family skirting round the elephant in the room, talking about trivial things when there's an all consuming darkness in ourselves making us long for non existence.

I hope you find a way to not have to think about buying a gun. Life CAN beautiful but you need the right headspace. The right environment. The right social support network. The right words when you need them most. Until your internal voice is kinder to your soul, that kind of peace is hard to find.

On a practical note, I suggest you try and find things you can make space for in your life to enjoy. Try connecting also with people you relate to that care about your state of mind.

Also on a practical note, if you can in any way, it sounds like you need more free time and time off work, but I don't know how practical that is for you

 

[stellaistired]

I'm sorry you're in this deep state of dispair. The corporatism of modern life feels like slave labour.

I empathise with family skirting round the elephant in the room, talking about trivial things when there's an all consuming darkness in ourselves making us long for non existence.

I hope you find a way to not have to think about buying a gun. Life CAN beautiful but you need the right headspace. The right environment. The right social support network. The right words when you need them most. Until your internal voice is kinder to your soul, that kind of peace is hard to find.

On a practical note, I suggest you try and find things you can make space for in your life to enjoy. Try connecting also with people you relate to that care about your state of mind.

Also on a practical note, if you can in any way, it sounds like you need more free time and time off work, but I don't know how practical that is for you

Problem is I have too much free time when I can't afford it yet my job can't afford to pay me a basic Mon-Fri, not even a 40 hour work week. Yet 40 hours feels too much for me at the same time. I wouldn't mind doing things but all I want to do is bedrot and wait for the next shift. No energy whatsoever.

We are not here to work, but to survive, adapt, reproduce, and pass on our genes, keeping the species alive as long as the environment allows, in a blind and purposeless process.

Part of me feels that studying space or psychology would result in me finding a natural purpose within, something beyond mere survival and reproduction, but I don't have the money. If there's a god I wish he would just say something.

 

[fedup1982]

Problem is I have too much free time when I can't afford it yet my job can't afford to pay me a basic Mon-Fri, not even a 40 hour work week. Yet 40 hours feels too much for me at the same time. I wouldn't mind doing things but all I want to do is bedrot and wait for the next shift. No energy whatsoever.

God I could imagine. That describes me if I had to work. Although my meds have helped my mood, if I had to work I'd probably be exactly in your position. I bed rot all the time and there's no way I'd be able to hold down a job at all. Although I envy your strength demonstrates by you working, I'm incredibly grateful I don't have to. I wish I could give you what you need to be able to bed rot. Could you quit your job and stay with family for a while or something? It sounds like you need time to just unwind, rest, recouperate

 

[stellaistired]

God I could imagine. That describes me if I had to work. Although my meds have helped my mood, if I had to work I'd probably be exactly in your position. I bed rot all the time and there's no way I'd be able to hold down a job at all. Although I envy your strength demonstrates by you working, I'm incredibly grateful I don't have to. I wish I could give you what you need to be able to bed rot. Could you quit your job and stay with family for a while or something? It sounds like you need time to just unwind, rest, recouperate

Problem is I have a bunch of debt I need to pay off, plus my grandmother charges (thankfully cheap) rent for the room I'm staying in. I'm too scared to get my autism diagnosis officially on paper with everything that's going on right now, and because I'm "lower level" it probably wouldn't be enough to go on disability, and they will do anything to fuck you over on that. God forbid a disabled person has a savings acc. Part of me wants to just get my passport and spend a couple years in Japan but of course that's expensive and out of the question currently. I get so tempted to pack my shit away and just go homeless for awhile to save money quicker but naturally, that's never a good idea.

 

[fedup1982]

Problem is I have a bunch of debt I need to pay off, plus my grandmother charges (thankfully cheap) rent for the room I'm staying in. I'm too scared to get my autism diagnosis officially on paper with everything that's going on right now, and because I'm "lower level" it probably wouldn't be enough to go on disability, and they will do anything to fuck you over on that. God forbid a disabled person has a savings acc. Part of me wants to just get my passport and spend a couple years in Japan but of course that's expensive and out of the question currently. I get so tempted to pack my shit away and just go homeless for awhile to save money quicker but naturally, that's never a good idea.

Yeah having debt sucks. It's good that you have dreams like Japan, don't write it off straight away. I'm not sure how to help really other than saying well done for coping. But there is one thing I will say: I STRONGLY suggest you try and get that autism diagnosis! Wouldn't it be great if you get some sort of financial support as a result?? I was VERY surprised recently when I found out my mild autism symptoms qualify me for not just one benefit but probably too, which I have to say is the best thing in the WORLD for me because I'd have a fucking break down like you're having if I had to work. I don't know how your benefits systems work compared to mine but it's worth a shot, right?? What's the harm? Get it done! Get assessed and see if you can get onto disability. Lord knows it sounds like you need it