2024 is coming
i cant believe i even survive 2023 (as of now)
i started going to therapy on december 2022
after my nonexistent graduation month on november 2022
i ditched therapy on february 2023. mostly bcs i couldnt bring myself to fcking get up from my bed to see the doctor (like always, but that time i didnt reschedule so yeah)
i took a full time job at a bakery. it took my mind off things that always in my head. its exhausting and im tired all the time. but at least i didnt think about killing myself.
after four months i got an office job. pretty leisure. slow work culture. static. i started thinking if this is what i want to do for the rest of my life.
i do not want to do that job for the rest of my life. i actually want to die. but i also want to get better jobs. but i want to die. i dont want to live on earth anymore. but if i could advance in my career like other people maybe i will feel better. but thinking ways for me to create my career path exhaust me. it exhausts me even worse than when i worked at the busy bakery. i can plan everything in my head. from taking courses and living expenses.
but there is always that voice that telling me: just die. oh my god why cant you just die
do anybody feels like i feel? wanting to get better but wanting to die too. i get tired trying to hold back from wanting to kill myself. and i get tired trying to make something of myself.
i had applied to every job listings i can find. ive been reading books. trying to complete my online courses. trying to stay alert on current news.
but ive also been researching on ways to die. buying new blades every other day. trying to see if my kitchen knife is sharp enough to stab me. standing at the edge of the road. or the train platform. never too near but never too far. i was always the first person standing in line.
i feel tired. i wish this would end. well or not, i dont really care
happy new year, people (yes im saying it now just bcs)
i cant believe i even survive 2023 (as of now)
i started going to therapy on december 2022
after my nonexistent graduation month on november 2022
i ditched therapy on february 2023. mostly bcs i couldnt bring myself to fcking get up from my bed to see the doctor (like always, but that time i didnt reschedule so yeah)
i took a full time job at a bakery. it took my mind off things that always in my head. its exhausting and im tired all the time. but at least i didnt think about killing myself.
after four months i got an office job. pretty leisure. slow work culture. static. i started thinking if this is what i want to do for the rest of my life.
i do not want to do that job for the rest of my life. i actually want to die. but i also want to get better jobs. but i want to die. i dont want to live on earth anymore. but if i could advance in my career like other people maybe i will feel better. but thinking ways for me to create my career path exhaust me. it exhausts me even worse than when i worked at the busy bakery. i can plan everything in my head. from taking courses and living expenses.
but there is always that voice that telling me: just die. oh my god why cant you just die
do anybody feels like i feel? wanting to get better but wanting to die too. i get tired trying to hold back from wanting to kill myself. and i get tired trying to make something of myself.
i had applied to every job listings i can find. ive been reading books. trying to complete my online courses. trying to stay alert on current news.
but ive also been researching on ways to die. buying new blades every other day. trying to see if my kitchen knife is sharp enough to stab me. standing at the edge of the road. or the train platform. never too near but never too far. i was always the first person standing in line.
i feel tired. i wish this would end. well or not, i dont really care
happy new year, people (yes im saying it now just bcs)
