ixkitty
Let me be Selfish, just this once.
- Aug 15, 2020
- 313
So, in October, I decided to end it all. I poured about 11g in a bud lite lime. Before I was an official member or SS I didn't think to do as much research as to how to properly measure and take the substance. So I smoked a little, had a pretty good conversation with my brother right before. I truly don't remember much but the person I was staying with came home for - something.. and I was not conscious but it was reported I was having a seizure. I vaguely remember paramedics but I wasn't in too much pain, it was somewhat a dream honestly. My O2 levels were in the 40s and my blood was a deep blue color. I was in complete cyanosis. I believe I in a coma for a good 20 hours post being spotted in bed. I woke up with wires on me and tubes in my throat. My mom was apparently fussing at the nurse for not being gentle with me. I tried to tell them I was awake but the nurse pretty much ignored me.
Afterwards I was out for another.... 5 hours ish? They took the tubes because I was able to breathe on my own.. When they asked what happened I told them I took the wrong chemical for studying for a test in nursing school. I told them Sodium NitrIte instead of Sodium NitrAte. I told them I was not at all suicidal (even though I was institutionalized approximately 2 years prior for attempting to hang myself off a bridge).. I got sent home the next day. :)
I did not take antiemics nor did I take anything with it. I'd rate this particular botched method a 6/10 as this is the closest I've came since I've started my CTB journey. Everyone thinks it was an accident (although my mom is fully aware, and always have been, of my need to CTB).
I didn't plan as much as I'm planning now. I was in pain but it was a vague memory, I was sore post attempt due to the seizure. I'm fully confident that if I did the measurements properly with the proper liquid and prep work I would not be here today.
No I don't regret it because I'm still suffering from the same depression, same fears and inabilities. All of my issues are emotional/psychological so nothing physical here except my body dysmorphia (not gender dysphoria).
I got my SN from amazon, super inexpensive and I've since then gotten 2 more bottles for some reason or another. I've also obtained Tagamet..
Why am I writing about it now? Because I realize (after reading @imjusttired 's post) I could write about it!
Here is theirs in case anyone else wanted to read and compare: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/survived-sn.67214/
Afterwards I was out for another.... 5 hours ish? They took the tubes because I was able to breathe on my own.. When they asked what happened I told them I took the wrong chemical for studying for a test in nursing school. I told them Sodium NitrIte instead of Sodium NitrAte. I told them I was not at all suicidal (even though I was institutionalized approximately 2 years prior for attempting to hang myself off a bridge).. I got sent home the next day. :)
I did not take antiemics nor did I take anything with it. I'd rate this particular botched method a 6/10 as this is the closest I've came since I've started my CTB journey. Everyone thinks it was an accident (although my mom is fully aware, and always have been, of my need to CTB).
I didn't plan as much as I'm planning now. I was in pain but it was a vague memory, I was sore post attempt due to the seizure. I'm fully confident that if I did the measurements properly with the proper liquid and prep work I would not be here today.
No I don't regret it because I'm still suffering from the same depression, same fears and inabilities. All of my issues are emotional/psychological so nothing physical here except my body dysmorphia (not gender dysphoria).
I got my SN from amazon, super inexpensive and I've since then gotten 2 more bottles for some reason or another. I've also obtained Tagamet..
Why am I writing about it now? Because I realize (after reading @imjusttired 's post) I could write about it!
Here is theirs in case anyone else wanted to read and compare: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/survived-sn.67214/
