Venting The mental healthcare system failed me so horribly

[willitpass]

I shouldn't be dying right now. I shouldn't be in this situation. I'm so tired. I started therapy at 6. I became depressed at 9 and started self harming and ended up back in therapy. By 10 I was suicidal and had my first ER trip for my mental health. I got sent home after a nurse had a chat with me that I didn't want to go to the hospital because those places are traumatizing and wouldn't help. While she's right they are traumatizing, I always wonder if we had caught it that early on if I would have been better off. They had me on my first anti depressant at 10. I hated it. I stopped going to therapy at 11. By 12 I was planning my suicide. By 13 I did it. I ended up in my first hospital stay, they told me I had made remarkable progress in a few days and sent me home with no psychiatrist and basic therapy. I fell deeper into depression. I ended up back in the hospital 9 months later. I lied my way out of that admission, it was the one where I got restrained for the first time. A few months later I spent 4 months in the hospital and was restrained again, got ECT, became a guinea pig for every drug they wanted to try. It was horrible. I then tried several intensive outpatient therapy options. At one point I spent 6 months getting therapy 5 days a week. I even thought I was doing well for awhile. Then 2020 came along and I regressed. Next thing I knew after one attempt, one near attempt, and two hospitalizations, I nearly died from SN and they decided to send me to a residential. I have never experienced more trauma than I did there. The things I witnessed and experienced I will never ever forget or forgive. I refuse to ever again end up in a mental hospital and those 8 months are a big part of the reason. All that place taught me is that it's never safe to open up and you better watch your back or you'll be manipulated and abused. The only option I have not tried in my life is ketamine therapy, and that is inaccessible due to costs for me. The mental health system failed me. I don't have any trust in them. I'm terrified of being abused or manipulated or told I'm faking it, doing it for attention, not trying hard enough again. I'm terrified to open up to people because of how I was treated in the system. And worst of all is even if I did have faith in the system there is nothing more they can do for me. There isn't anything I have not tried (other than ketamine which I can't afford) even if I wanted to. And now I'm dying. I'm slowly poisoning myself. I'm starving myself. My body is telling me every single day how tired it's getting. If I make it another two years with the state my body is in I'll be damned. That is if I don't CTB first. I feel so let down. I wish something had helped me. I wish I hadn't reached this point. I wish I could have lived a happy life. I'm so tired.

 

[divinemistress36]

It's awful how we are being punished for being mentally ill

 

[anhedonya]

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I wish life had been kinder to you. No child should have to go through what you did and no one at all should know the feeling of having nowhere to turn- to know that the very systems created to supposedly protect you are just as willing to hurt you. Everytime I see your posts it really is heartbreaking because you're such a kind person. You give so much of yourself every single day even after everything you've gone through. It's so easy to become jaded and hate the world and decide no one needs help because you didn't receive it before them- I've been there. But you choose to keep helping people everyday and try to see the good in others by listening to their pain.

You definitely deserved better out of life. It's just awful what these systems are like, mental health facilities are practically just another form of prison at this point.

 

[Meteora]

I feel so deeply sorry..... and relate so much.
I m terryfied of thetapies and therapists, too. Got retraumatized, too, manipulated, the whole thing.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Same.